(Venting)Fuck*ng Loneliness

[Spiked_Coffee]

Soo, loneliness is messing with me badly, though my addictions are gone (porn, social media, masturbation) i still feel not conscious of life, i feel like i am drunk all the time, not able to experience it freely. I have no friends (by friend i dont mean some dude i know but a real friend with who i can cry, be angry with or share any emotion or story i need to) and its killing me from inside, i dont know what to do, i am a student and at the uni everyone seems so closed off, like not wanting to speak or make acquantaince with anyone, today is hard because i really want to get drunk very much just not to experience it but i wont do it (at least i hope so). I need to be sober tomorrow for Uni and also for today Krav Maga training on which i want to go, but i dont know why i have such a fear to go there, an irrational fear, and i dont want to go, though i know its useful, good and i always wanted it, i am even feeling it right now thinking about this, thats so freaking strange.

Also i dont know why, but i have those strange thoughts of making my own game, its cool but i dont know anything about it and its exhausting, its that wish which i repressed in my childhood, my dream, because of my father and its like down there screaming to me to make it happen but i cant, i don't feel it, no motivation to do it, just the scream all the time.

Now its a little bit easier when i wrote everything, thank you for reading, it always helps when i see that someone is listening(reading) to me, to my souls crying. I just feel less lonely then.

Much love <3

 

[whatevs]

Making your own game is a lot of work and I don't recommend jumping into such an enterprise without careful consideration.

 

[Deo volente]

I feel you :(. It is so hard to do anything when you feel alone. You spend so much energy just trying to protect yourself, trying to make yourself feel okay, that it is a titanic effort to do anything else, let alone something you care about or might change your self-concept, which is fraught even for people who are connected with supportive communities. The encouraging thing is, maybe if you ARE able to find a supportive community to be a part of, it would unlock a lot of barriers for you. It might be worth it to mainly focus on that at first, and give yourself permission to set other goals aside temporarily.

I often try to believe in the idea that I control my actions no matter what happens as a result. It sometimes helps motivate me to work on things that I am avoiding to think that, for example, I can force myself to work on a paper even if I hardly am able to write anything and everything I do write sucks. At least I can try, no matter the outcome.

I think making a game is a really cool dream and there are so many possible ideas its really fun to think about. There are lots of resources out there and inspiring stories of solo indie devs making really cool things. It is a lot of work though, but even as a side project I don't think it would hurt just to play with. I read part of a book that talked about Eric Barone who made Stardew Valley all on his own. It talked about how he just went for it even though he had no experience with many things like art. He just tried to work on stuff for the game and even though he had to redo a lot of things because he was not happy with how it turned out, he learned the things he needed to make the game he wanted just by working on the game itself. I think especially now with increased access to some pretty cool AI tools, you might be able to make some things you could be happy with :).

Wish you well.