Venting Venting before my test due at 9AM

[okdroplet]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me again, I've been having more suicidal thoughts then usual and am getting depressed again.
I've realised recently that my depression levels go really low every 1-2 months or so. It's become a pattern where I just try to keep myself together and remind myself that it will get better it always will. But then sometimes I feel so low that my negative thoughts keep coming nonstop, reminding me of all the shit I went through, shit I've done, shit people acted towards me which I can't do anything about.
It makes me feel like nothing I do will matter, everything means nothing. Dying always sounds like the better choice to every problem but I can't seem to do that. I'm scared of the afterlife, what if its worse then what I'm suffering now? And if I compare my suffering to those around me then I'd probably be considered lucky and bitchy for complaining and feeling shitty, but then they say everyone's suffers differently to the same pain.
And all this thinking just makes me feel worse. It makes me realise and remember how much of a scum I am, a loser, a selfish shitty person who cares about themselves more then others. I can barely keep my friendships together.
They say they love me but can I really trust them? Even if they really do, but then do I like them? Why do I even hang out with them? To not feel lonely? But then I've always been okay with being alone, I'd go a little crazy at first but I'll always get used to it. I just need to endure it, just like depression. So if its not that not why am I with them? I've such a loser, I'm making them waste their time on me. I'm so mentally fucked and emotionally that I know their just gonna suffer being my friends but they still are here and I don't get why.
I still don't trust them and never talked to them about my mental issues.
I can never talk about it to anyone IRL.
I'm too much of a coward for that, even though, sometimes I really just wanna let everything out to someone who won't overreact and just listen.
But I can't trust anyone for that, I'm always scared of everyone and everything even though I don't show it.
I'm so indecisive and shitty I don't know why I'm still here. Everything would be easier if I offed myself.
I've always liked the idea of hanging myself.
But as I said I'm a coward who would rather keep suffering on the inside then end it all.
As much as suffering I've felt I've grown to find pleasure from my suffering.
I cannot understand how pathetic and stupid I can get everyday.
Nowadays I feel like I'm asking for it.
I'm asking for someone to do something to bring me down, if someone wanted to hit me just because I'd let them even though I'd be scared at first.
But no one would hit me like that, sadly.
I've also begun trying my best to not get in trouble recently, so I can't do that on purpose.
I feel like sometimes I want problems to come to me and complicate things I'm already suffering from just to make me suffer more.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't.


Fuck.

Well, anyways, I have a test on 9AM which I didn't study for.
I haven't slept and its already 6AM.
I've went back to my absolute loser and scum routine.
Just like garbage my weeb ass has been watching anime, reading manga, and playing video games to waste my energy on.
This is my last fucking year and I've already fucked up my first semester, which is this one.
Which means I have to work harder to pick up for lost time and effort.
I fucking hate myself.

... I'll just go and fuck up this test.
It's not like I never did it before.

 

[feels_like_rain]

So much of this resonates with me, i can't even think of anything useful to say.
Honestly i came back to this forum tonight to post something, but now i don't have to because so much of what you said, is how i'm feeling.

When my mood gets really low like it is right now i just get so fucking irrational and i hate it. I feel so fucking crazy sometimes. I can go from content and happy to wanting to down my SN all in the same day (literally this happened to me today lmao)
Maybe i'll still feel like this when i wake up tomorrow, or maybe i'll be completely fine. These shifts are fucking WILD.

I think it's good that you recognize the pattern with how you feel. I, too, remind myself that i'll eventually feel better again. These lows always pass. And then come back, and pass again, etc.
Recognizing that pattern in myself doesn't actually make me feel better when i'm in one of these episodes, but it does keep me from completely snapping while i wait it out.

 

[okdroplet]

So much of this resonates with me, i can't even think of anything useful to say.
Honestly i came back to this forum tonight to post something, but now i don't have to because so much of what you said, is how i'm feeling.

When my mood gets really low like it is right now i just get so fucking irrational and i hate it. I feel so fucking crazy sometimes. I can go from content and happy to wanting to down my SN all in the same day (literally this happened to me today lmao)
Maybe i'll still feel like this when i wake up tomorrow, or maybe i'll be completely fine. These shifts are fucking WILD.

I think it's good that you recognize the pattern with how you feel. I, too, remind myself that i'll eventually feel better again. These lows always pass. And then come back, and pass again, etc.
Recognizing that pattern in myself doesn't actually make me feel better when i'm in one of these episodes, but it does keep me from completely snapping while i wait it out.

I just came back from school.

Honestly I almost teared, I was so happy to see Your reply.
It's a very nice feeling to find someone who can relate to this, thank You so much.

Omg, I get that so much. At those times I feel like ripping my insides apart but I definitely won't do that, but sometimes it just feels so insufferable I go insane trying to put up a front.
Like I've been doing well these days then fucking depression hit me like a truck again. I should be used to it by now but it's like a reset.
"It will always come back and it will always go."
I once felt so complicated and low I wanted to suffocate on my anemia pills because they were all I had, my mind went blank and I just kept looking for them but somehow that day I couldn't find them.
One of my family members had thought it was garbage and threw them.
It's pretty funny now.

I hope You feel better tomorrow and after, if You don't then just endure it, it will go.
It really is hard though.

Thank You, and regonizing these patterns just made me more confused to be honest.
It kind of made me anxious of when the next one is coming and I keep hoping it won't come at a time where I'm actually having genuine fun for once.

Well, I have to do my chores now haha!

I hope You have a good day and week at least.

 

[feels_like_rain]

I just came back from school.

Honestly I almost teared, I was so happy to see Your reply.
It's a very nice feeling to find someone who can relate to this, thank You so much.

Omg, I get that so much. At those times I feel like ripping my insides apart but I definitely won't do that, but sometimes it just feels so insufferable I go insane trying to put up a front.
Like I've been doing well these days then fucking depression hit me like a truck again. I should be used to it by now but it's like a reset.
"It will always come back and it will always go."
I once felt so complicated and low I wanted to suffocate on my anemia pills because they were all I had, my mind went blank and I just kept looking for them but somehow that day I couldn't find them.
One of my family members had thought it was garbage and threw them.
It's pretty funny now.

I hope You feel better tomorrow and after, if You don't then just endure it, it will go.
It really is hard though.

Thank You, and regonizing these patterns just made me more confused to be honest.
It kind of made me anxious of when the next one is coming and I keep hoping it won't come at a time where I'm actually having genuine fun for once.

Well, I have to do my chores now haha!

I hope You have a good day and week at least.

It really is nice to find someone who can relate. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but it really is nice to not be alone in my crazy.

It is SO hard to put up a front i know. I'm at work right now and just trying to be okay because if i let it show, not only will it affect my work but they'll see i'm fucking crazy again. That didn't go too well last time it happened lol

It sucks not knowing when it will hit again. The smallest thing can trigger it and i'll go from happy to miserable.

I still felt awful this morning, then felt all happy again for a couple of hours, and now this bullshit is back. I wish i could just die for a little while and then come back.

I hope you are doing better today

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I relate to your post a lot. I wish I had more to say. Energy levels always waning throughout my waking hours.