Venting Venting about yesterday. I’m embarrassed and ashamed

[Mr. Incapable]

Yesterday I tried to CTB by partial hanging but everything went totally wrong. I'd never attempted under the influence of alcohol so I thought having a drink would shake off the survival instinct - it did because I finished a whole bottle of wine and was half way through the second, so I was pretty drunk, but everything else that could've gone wrong went wrong. My ligature broke. How? I couldn't believe it. It's never happened to me before. Whenever I would see someone would write about their ligature breaking I always had a slight judgmental thought like "well, you clearly didn't choose or plan properly". I was using two exercise resistance bands - you know the kind that you tie straps to and loop it around something to pull on tightly so you can tone different parts of the body? Yeah, those. They're meant to be strong, meant to hold a lot of weight.. I decided to use these after I saw other suicide cases which used the same bands. Notably Chris Cornell and Choi Jin-sil. I'd read other cases online from ordinary people, too.. it seemed reliable. I had a complete breakdown after it broke.. I was frustrated and crying on the floor. At that point the alcohol hit me so hard I wasn't even able to stand up straight or see properly. After trying to throw up in the bathroom to get the alcohol out of my system, I tried to set up my other ligature but I didn't have the balance to do it. I ended up on the floor crying and drunkenly called my sister. I didn't even speak on the phone I was just crying but I wasn't really aware about time as I think I kept going in and out of consciousness (from being too drunk), but she got in the car immediately and rushed over with my mother. I tried to hide my notes and stuff but I don't know if I did it well enough. After crying on the floor and puking for about an hour I managed to pull myself together and they wanted me to go stay with my sister so I'm here now.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.
I haven't spoke to my family about my mental health since my 2010 breakdown and suicide attempt. Since then we just never spoke about it again because I think we had an unspoken but mutual feeling that it's an uncomfortable and awkward topic. I guess as a family we're just not that open about our personal thoughts and feelings.

There's a couple things I'm worried about because I wasn't in the right state of mind to sort it out before I left my home. I had two suicide notes and notes on my iPad (I turned the passcode off). I thought I managed to grab both notes, quickly fold them and hide them in the waistband of my trousers - I can only find one though so I'm worried I dropped, lost and they found the other one.. I really, really hope not. Another thing is I think just before they arrived at my home that I managed to turn the passcode back on my iPad but I didn't bring it with me so I'm not able to check if I actually did - if they read what I wrote they're going to know EVERYTHING about my suicidal thoughts and ideation. Lastly, I'm pretty sure I remember seeing my second ligature halfway under my bed.. if they see torn bedsheets in the shape and length of a rope I think they'll be highly suspicious..

I'm really worried and nervous.. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I was also drunk venting on my thread on here, too but I asked the mods to delete them. I just can't believe it went so wrong.. I never, never should've had a drink before doing it - maybe one would've been fine but I drank a bottle and a half of wine. I was so nervous I couldn't stop drinking because I thought it would help. I shouldn't have drunk so quickly and on an empty stomach. Fuck.. I just really hope if anything my family didn't find my notes.. I don't want them to know how I feel, especially that I'm suicidal, because I don't want them to be burdened with the worry that I'm gonna CTB.

I feel more weak and pathetic than I've ever felt in my life. My life has been falling apart for the last two years and now this.. how can I be so incapable to take my own life? There's literal teens around the world who are able to do it, people who impulsively do it because they had a fight with their partner, the elderly people who doesn't want to age with poor health.. they're all able to do it, so why do I have to struggle so much?

I do wonder if the resistance band didn't break, would I have been able to successfully CTB? I feel like by that point I was so drunk that I was beginning to black out.. I just still can't believe it broke. I tested it like 4-5 times in the days leading up to it.

I just feel really bad..

And I'm sorry if anyone on here now thinks that I'm weak and pathetic because I failed - I know we have all attempted and failed but I feel like the ligature breaking should've never happened and it makes me seem and feel like an idiot.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hanging sounds like a really difficult method to get right, for either partial or full suspension. Some people seem to try it over and over and it always fails for them, but then there's others that get it in one try. I don't know what they're doing different when they get it right, but I would be afraid to try this method and go through the same hell you went through yesterday.

I don't think you're weak or pathetic because it didn't work the way you hoped though. Hopefully you can figure out where all of your suicide notes ended up so you can regroup and decide what to do next. What happened to you sounds so terrifying and I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Hanging sounds like a really difficult method to get right, for either partial or full suspension. Some people seem to try it over and over and it always fails for them, but then there's others that get it in one try. I don't know what they're doing different when they get it right, but I would be afraid to try this method and go through the same hell you went through yesterday.

I don't think you're weak or pathetic because it didn't work the way you hoped though. Hopefully you can figure out where all of your suicide notes ended up so you can regroup and decide what to do next. What happened to you sounds so terrifying and I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

Thanks for the kind words. I can understand why some people are afraid of hanging but to be honest the method itself doesn't scare me too much - it's just the act of dying that scares me and triggers my SI to overwhelm me.. I've been planning my hanging for such a long time, I just can't believe the ligature broke.. granted, I only decided to change my ligature to the resistance bands about a week ago because I had recently learned about it and it seemed reliable.. but I tested it and it still broke. Things could've been worse though.. I could be sitting in a psychiatric office right now being evaluated whether they should make me stay or not. I don't think I verbally said anything to my mother or sister yesterday though about how I feel - I think every time they asked I just said I was having a bad day and that's it. I've text with my mother today to apologise and she says it's ok, it's a blib, it's a one off, everyone gets drunk and cries sometimes.. she never mentioned anything about notes or suicide or anything.. I don't know if that's because she genuinely thinks it was just a bad day and didn't see any notes or anything.. or if she did see it and knows but she doesn't want to say anything incase it makes me uncomfortable.. not knowing really stresses me out. I wish I had taken an extra minute or two to go around my room and make sure I removed everything properly

 

[ghqkiiia2]

Yesterday I tried to CTB by partial hanging but everything went totally wrong. I'd never attempted under the influence of alcohol so I thought having a drink would shake off the survival instinct - it did because I finished a whole bottle of wine and was half way through the second, so I was pretty drunk, but everything else that could've gone wrong went wrong. My ligature broke. How? I couldn't believe it. It's never happened to me before. Whenever I would see someone would write about their ligature breaking I always had a slight judgmental thought like "well, you clearly didn't choose or plan properly". I was using two exercise resistance bands - you know the kind that you tie straps to and loop it around something to pull on tightly so you can tone different parts of the body? Yeah, those. They're meant to be strong, meant to hold a lot of weight.. I decided to use these after I saw other suicide cases which used the same bands. Notably Chris Cornell and Choi Jin-sil. I'd read other cases online from ordinary people, too.. it seemed reliable. I had a complete breakdown after it broke.. I was frustrated and crying on the floor. At that point the alcohol hit me so hard I wasn't even able to stand up straight or see properly. After trying to throw up in the bathroom to get the alcohol out of my system, I tried to set up my other ligature but I didn't have the balance to do it. I ended up on the floor crying and drunkenly called my sister. I didn't even speak on the phone I was just crying but I wasn't really aware about time as I think I kept going in and out of consciousness (from being too drunk), but she got in the car immediately and rushed over with my mother. I tried to hide my notes and stuff but I don't know if I did it well enough. After crying on the floor and puking for about an hour I managed to pull myself together and they wanted me to go stay with my sister so I'm here now.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.
I haven't spoke to my family about my mental health since my 2010 breakdown and suicide attempt. Since then we just never spoke about it again because I think we had an unspoken but mutual feeling that it's an uncomfortable and awkward topic. I guess as a family we're just not that open about our personal thoughts and feelings.

There's a couple things I'm worried about because I wasn't in the right state of mind to sort it out before I left my home. I had two suicide notes and notes on my iPad (I turned the passcode off). I thought I managed to grab both notes, quickly fold them and hide them in the waistband of my trousers - I can only find one though so I'm worried I dropped, lost and they found the other one.. I really, really hope not. Another thing is I think just before they arrived at my home that I managed to turn the passcode back on my iPad but I didn't bring it with me so I'm not able to check if I actually did - if they read what I wrote they're going to know EVERYTHING about my suicidal thoughts and ideation. Lastly, I'm pretty sure I remember seeing my second ligature halfway under my bed.. if they see torn bedsheets in the shape and length of a rope I think they'll be highly suspicious..

I'm really worried and nervous.. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I was also drunk venting on my thread on here, too but I asked the mods to delete them. I just can't believe it went so wrong.. I never, never should've had a drink before doing it - maybe one would've been fine but I drank a bottle and a half of wine. I was so nervous I couldn't stop drinking because I thought it would help. I shouldn't have drunk so quickly and on an empty stomach. Fuck.. I just really hope if anything my family didn't find my notes.. I don't want them to know how I feel, especially that I'm suicidal, because I don't want them to be burdened with the worry that I'm gonna CTB.

I feel more weak and pathetic than I've ever felt in my life. My life has been falling apart for the last two years and now this.. how can I be so incapable to take my own life? There's literal teens around the world who are able to do it, people who impulsively do it because they had a fight with their partner, the elderly people who doesn't want to age with poor health.. they're all able to do it, so why do I have to struggle so much?

I do wonder if the resistance band didn't break, would I have been able to successfully CTB? I feel like by that point I was so drunk that I was beginning to black out.. I just still can't believe it broke. I tested it like 4-5 times in the days leading up to it.

I just feel really bad..

And I'm sorry if anyone on here now thinks that I'm weak and pathetic because I failed - I know we have all attempted and failed but I feel like the ligature breaking should've never happened and it makes me seem and feel like an idiot.

There is nothing to be shamed of. Like all human actions, sometimes you hit it, sometimes you miss it- not everything you attempted turned out to be successful, especially you were drunk at the time.
Wish you well.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

There is nothing to be shamed of. Like all human actions, sometimes you hit it, sometimes you miss it- not everything you attempted turned out to be successful, especially you were drunk at the time.
Wish you well.

Thank you. I'm going to let this be a lesson to learn from. I just hope no one has become suspicious of me so I can freely try again soon. I only have about 4 weeks worth of funds left to support myself and then I've got nothing left. I need to get it right asap

 

[ewigeruhe]

Hey pal i am glad you are doing alright for the circumstances. I tried full which didn't work because my bathroom door is aparently not high enough last night as well and man the disappointment. After that i tried partial a few times but couldn't manage to go unconscious i feel ashamed and desperate as well.
Espacially as this was my 5th attempt so far and i can't go on any longer.
I hope anything plays out the way you want to and don't worry too much!

 

[Euthanza]

You've been so hard on yourself, give it break sometimes and don't take any decision impulsively. I supposed many of us here have failed so many times in life. Years ago, I failed my first attempt too, but I never become pro-life.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Hey pal i am glad you are doing alright for the circumstances. I tried full which didn't work because my bathroom door is aparently not high enough last night as well and man the disappointment. After that i tried partial a few times but couldn't manage to go unconscious i feel ashamed and desperate as well.
Espacially as this was my 5th attempt so far and i can't go on any longer.
I hope anything plays out the way you want to and don't worry too much!

Thanks for the message. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling, too.. partial has been my go to method for a while and every attempt I made I wasn't able to succeed but mostly due to backing out because of SI and not being able to fall unconscious. Yesterday was the first time I'd ever experienced the ligature breaking, but I'm not giving up. As soon as I'm back home I'm going to try again with the bedsheets. I feel the same as you, I can't go on any longer but I know that I'll only manage to do it if I try every day or as often as I can now because eventually one of those attempts has to go right.. I hope you also manage to get what you want and need, too.. we're on the same boat

You've been so hard on yourself, give it break sometimes and don't take any decision impulsively. I supposed many of us here have failed so many times in life. Years ago, I failed my first attempt too, but I never become pro-life.

Thank you. None of my plan was meant to be impulsive but I didn't consider how much the alcohol would affect my attempt and how I would react during and after. I definitely didn't intend to drink that much when I started either.. just have to live and learn and try again when I can

 

[Emmie]

Yesterday I tried to CTB by partial hanging but everything went totally wrong. I'd never attempted under the influence of alcohol so I thought having a drink would shake off the survival instinct - it did because I finished a whole bottle of wine and was half way through the second, so I was pretty drunk, but everything else that could've gone wrong went wrong. My ligature broke. How? I couldn't believe it. It's never happened to me before. Whenever I would see someone would write about their ligature breaking I always had a slight judgmental thought like "well, you clearly didn't choose or plan properly". I was using two exercise resistance bands - you know the kind that you tie straps to and loop it around something to pull on tightly so you can tone different parts of the body? Yeah, those. They're meant to be strong, meant to hold a lot of weight.. I decided to use these after I saw other suicide cases which used the same bands. Notably Chris Cornell and Choi Jin-sil. I'd read other cases online from ordinary people, too.. it seemed reliable. I had a complete breakdown after it broke.. I was frustrated and crying on the floor. At that point the alcohol hit me so hard I wasn't even able to stand up straight or see properly. After trying to throw up in the bathroom to get the alcohol out of my system, I tried to set up my other ligature but I didn't have the balance to do it. I ended up on the floor crying and drunkenly called my sister. I didn't even speak on the phone I was just crying but I wasn't really aware about time as I think I kept going in and out of consciousness (from being too drunk), but she got in the car immediately and rushed over with my mother. I tried to hide my notes and stuff but I don't know if I did it well enough. After crying on the floor and puking for about an hour I managed to pull myself together and they wanted me to go stay with my sister so I'm here now.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.
I haven't spoke to my family about my mental health since my 2010 breakdown and suicide attempt. Since then we just never spoke about it again because I think we had an unspoken but mutual feeling that it's an uncomfortable and awkward topic. I guess as a family we're just not that open about our personal thoughts and feelings.

There's a couple things I'm worried about because I wasn't in the right state of mind to sort it out before I left my home. I had two suicide notes and notes on my iPad (I turned the passcode off). I thought I managed to grab both notes, quickly fold them and hide them in the waistband of my trousers - I can only find one though so I'm worried I dropped, lost and they found the other one.. I really, really hope not. Another thing is I think just before they arrived at my home that I managed to turn the passcode back on my iPad but I didn't bring it with me so I'm not able to check if I actually did - if they read what I wrote they're going to know EVERYTHING about my suicidal thoughts and ideation. Lastly, I'm pretty sure I remember seeing my second ligature halfway under my bed.. if they see torn bedsheets in the shape and length of a rope I think they'll be highly suspicious..

I'm really worried and nervous.. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I was also drunk venting on my thread on here, too but I asked the mods to delete them. I just can't believe it went so wrong.. I never, never should've had a drink before doing it - maybe one would've been fine but I drank a bottle and a half of wine. I was so nervous I couldn't stop drinking because I thought it would help. I shouldn't have drunk so quickly and on an empty stomach. Fuck.. I just really hope if anything my family didn't find my notes.. I don't want them to know how I feel, especially that I'm suicidal, because I don't want them to be burdened with the worry that I'm gonna CTB.

I feel more weak and pathetic than I've ever felt in my life. My life has been falling apart for the last two years and now this.. how can I be so incapable to take my own life? There's literal teens around the world who are able to do it, people who impulsively do it because they had a fight with their partner, the elderly people who doesn't want to age with poor health.. they're all able to do it, so why do I have to struggle so much?

I do wonder if the resistance band didn't break, would I have been able to successfully CTB? I feel like by that point I was so drunk that I was beginning to black out.. I just still can't believe it broke. I tested it like 4-5 times in the days leading up to it.

I just feel really bad..

And I'm sorry if anyone on here now thinks that I'm weak and pathetic because I failed - I know we have all attempted and failed but I feel like the ligature breaking should've never happened and it makes me seem and feel like an idiot.

I read a scholarly book on suicide a few years ago and IIRC he said most of the people who successfully CTB'd had had multiple failed attempts before getting it right. That young olympian and Stanford CS graduate student Kelly Catlin also failed her first attempt. She's about as impressive a person as you can get and she still struggled with getting it right.

If you're intent on going maybe you should look into a more gentle or at least more passive method like SN. People who successfully hang are usually, from what I can tell, in a highly agitated and impulsive state.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I read a scholarly book on suicide a few years ago and IIRC he said most of the people who successfully CTB'd had had multiple failed attempts before getting it right. That young olympian and Stanford CS graduate student Kelly Catlin also failed her first attempt. She's about as impressive a person as you can get and she still struggled with getting it right.

If you're intent on going maybe you should look into a more gentle or at least more passive method like SN. People who successfully hang are usually, from what I can tell, in a highly agitated and impulsive state.

You're definitely right.. it's just frustrating to not know how many failed attempts it's gonna take until I get it right.. that's why from Sunday or Monday I'm going to be more proactive about attempting it everyday or every other day.

To be honest, there's aren't many other methods accessible to me. I haven't considered SN because I literally can't afford anything right now outside of my bills and food, plus the difficulties of getting hold of it, all the prep and planning it takes and then the risk of it maybe not turning up. Then with other methods there's no place high enough to jump from, I couldn't jump in front of a train.. hanging, especially partial and due to hypoxia from carotid compression seems like the quickest and most peaceful way I can go if I can get it right. So many people have intentionally died that way, even accidentally died that way from erotic role play or juvenile games like the choking game. I think I just need to approach it differently and try multiple times, often, until I get it right.. I think you're right that most successful hangings where due to some kind of manic or impulsive state but there's definitely some where it was seemingly more gently approached and planned.. or accidentally.. I don't know.. I can't give up. I've got to keep trying. I appreciate your response :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Hanging sounds like such a difficult method and I'm sorry that you have been through so much. Dying should be easier and more than anything I wish that it wasnt so hard to leave all the suffering behind. It does not mean that you are weak just because you have failed ctb. Things can potentially go wrong when attempting hanging and after all life is unpredictable. I have never attempted personally as I fear it going wrong, but I do envy those who have succeeded. I hope that you find relief from your situation in whatever happens.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Hanging sounds like such a difficult method and I'm sorry that you have been through so much. Dying should be easier and more than anything I wish that it wasnt so hard to leave all the suffering behind. It does not mean that you are weak just because you have failed ctb. Things can potentially go wrong when attempting hanging and after all life is unpredictable. I have never attempted personally as I fear it going wrong, but I do envy those who have succeeded. I hope that you find relief from your situation in whatever happens.

Thank you for your kind words, as I often see throughout this forum :)

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Update: I suggested to go back home today and soon after my sister asked "So how are you feeling today? Do you feel ready to go back today?". As a family, we never really talk about feelings or emotion so it caught me off guard a little - it made me wonder if my sister and mother were more concerned than they've said or shown - I suspect they may have found one of my suicide notes and haven't bought it up to me incase it makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, I tried to ignore it and we decided to go grocery shopping before she drove me home and whilst in the store she said to me "Are you sure you want to go home and you don't want to stay tonight? We can have dinner, watch tv.. etc etc" and this is odd because she really enjoys her own space, especially when she's been busy or socialised too much. I started to become a little more suspicious that they found my note and don't want me to be alone. I said to her directly that it seems like she's thinks I'm too sad to go home and that's why she's asking me to stay but she denied it. I don't know.. seems a little weird. I agreed to stay another night and then I'm going back home tomorrow. I just want the space, time and privacy to attempt again.. I really don't want to live anymore