i was never a social creature at school. grades 6-8, i had the same classmates and we all became close friends, or what my teenage self imagined friendship to be , but something felt wrong hanging out with these people. i never truly felt comfortable in their presence. playing video games in the comfort of my room was more appealing than spending time with these people at the mall or the movies
come high school, i socialized less and less. i had 1-2 friends that i regularly hung out with, and that was only because we shared the same commute home. i fell deeper into my rut of depression. i became hideous and emaciated as i neglected my meals and my looks. my grades were the only thing that did not suffer yet, because being accepted into a prestigious college was still an absolute goal i held in the back of my mind. however, there was something wrong about all this. about EVERYTHING, about life itself, i just couldn't quite... put words to the intangible feelings of malaise that filled my mind every day.
my first semester of college started out ok. i took some core classes, did well in them. but come sophomore year and junior year... you guessed it. my grades freefalled. in my second semester as a junior, i failed literally every single class. every. single. class. college and work were the last two goals that gave me a sense of purpose, and there was no hope of me succeeding in either one. was this really my effing life? ive read somewhere that people who were so depressed that they cannot be bothered to do anything besides netflix or game all day long are a very low suicide risk. it is only when they begin to pull themselves out of their funk and realize the horror of their lives that they are at the greatest risk for suicide. yeah, i was in the gaming and netflix phase during that time. it is 10 years later and im by no means a success, but i have a monotonous IT support job, while having a fulfilling endeavor in life I am actively working towards. nothing like getting married and having kids, god no, but something fulfilling
what are some of the truths i've learned about life so far? here are four i feel are rant-worthy at the moment, even though im sure im missing out on more than i can count.
first, i've learned that everyone is alone, because everyone makes only a half-assed attempt to connect, even with their close friends. you can never understand and know another person unless you actively PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES. imagine what it is like to LOOK like that person every waking moment of your life, have the family and friends and past as that person, and everything in between. and then you can understand why unattractive people walk around with a frown every waking moment of their lives, why people do so many of the crazy things that they do.
second, most of our lives are lived most of the choices we make are determined by the responsibilities life imposes on us. to be happy in your adult life, you need to spend it CREATING, without being under the control of your boss, your friends and family's expectations, and social pressures. learn some HTML, CSS, and javacript, make a website or a blog that you truly care about, and watch the job offers pour in. write a book on the story that you've always wanted to tell to the world, because everyone has such a story. But wait, you can't just risk quitting your job and pursue the things you love because most likely, your going to fizzle out, fall flat on your face and realize you are an unemployed failure? Being a sheep for life is easy, but unfulfilling. a slow soul-sucking death by a thousand cuts.
third, and somewhat contradictory to my second point, the pursuit of permanent happiness is a futile one. true happiness cannot exist for a prolonged period of time, because it is always being tainted by the quiet voice telling you in the back of your mind that a perfect moment will not last forever. humans are extremely adverse to loss. making a hundred new friends cannot bring an equal amount of happiness as losing a close friend. so depression becomes the new happy, depression is pain, but it is also soothing, because you know it CANNOT GET MUCH WORSE. and the best part is, this nugget of truth is a CONSTANT one.
fourth, and finally, impermanence, not of life, but of your mind. tomorrow, i will wake up and read over this post, thinking to myself, WTF was i thinking, did i really write and god forbid, post this shit? because im not the same person anymore after a good nights sleep.
come high school, i socialized less and less. i had 1-2 friends that i regularly hung out with, and that was only because we shared the same commute home. i fell deeper into my rut of depression. i became hideous and emaciated as i neglected my meals and my looks. my grades were the only thing that did not suffer yet, because being accepted into a prestigious college was still an absolute goal i held in the back of my mind. however, there was something wrong about all this. about EVERYTHING, about life itself, i just couldn't quite... put words to the intangible feelings of malaise that filled my mind every day.
my first semester of college started out ok. i took some core classes, did well in them. but come sophomore year and junior year... you guessed it. my grades freefalled. in my second semester as a junior, i failed literally every single class. every. single. class. college and work were the last two goals that gave me a sense of purpose, and there was no hope of me succeeding in either one. was this really my effing life? ive read somewhere that people who were so depressed that they cannot be bothered to do anything besides netflix or game all day long are a very low suicide risk. it is only when they begin to pull themselves out of their funk and realize the horror of their lives that they are at the greatest risk for suicide. yeah, i was in the gaming and netflix phase during that time. it is 10 years later and im by no means a success, but i have a monotonous IT support job, while having a fulfilling endeavor in life I am actively working towards. nothing like getting married and having kids, god no, but something fulfilling
what are some of the truths i've learned about life so far? here are four i feel are rant-worthy at the moment, even though im sure im missing out on more than i can count.
first, i've learned that everyone is alone, because everyone makes only a half-assed attempt to connect, even with their close friends. you can never understand and know another person unless you actively PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES. imagine what it is like to LOOK like that person every waking moment of your life, have the family and friends and past as that person, and everything in between. and then you can understand why unattractive people walk around with a frown every waking moment of their lives, why people do so many of the crazy things that they do.
second, most of our lives are lived most of the choices we make are determined by the responsibilities life imposes on us. to be happy in your adult life, you need to spend it CREATING, without being under the control of your boss, your friends and family's expectations, and social pressures. learn some HTML, CSS, and javacript, make a website or a blog that you truly care about, and watch the job offers pour in. write a book on the story that you've always wanted to tell to the world, because everyone has such a story. But wait, you can't just risk quitting your job and pursue the things you love because most likely, your going to fizzle out, fall flat on your face and realize you are an unemployed failure? Being a sheep for life is easy, but unfulfilling. a slow soul-sucking death by a thousand cuts.
third, and somewhat contradictory to my second point, the pursuit of permanent happiness is a futile one. true happiness cannot exist for a prolonged period of time, because it is always being tainted by the quiet voice telling you in the back of your mind that a perfect moment will not last forever. humans are extremely adverse to loss. making a hundred new friends cannot bring an equal amount of happiness as losing a close friend. so depression becomes the new happy, depression is pain, but it is also soothing, because you know it CANNOT GET MUCH WORSE. and the best part is, this nugget of truth is a CONSTANT one.
fourth, and finally, impermanence, not of life, but of your mind. tomorrow, i will wake up and read over this post, thinking to myself, WTF was i thinking, did i really write and god forbid, post this shit? because im not the same person anymore after a good nights sleep.
