Venting venting about laziness

[meowme0w]

I apologize in advance if this is messy, i'm just blurting out my 5am thoughts lol

I wish i could get things done, literally anything. I feel like the laziest person on planet earth, maybe even the whole universe, but i seriously never do anything and it is ruining me. I've been meaning to see a doctor about my meds, to see if maybe something else could help, but I still haven't actually gone ahead and done anything about it. It's been months. There are so many things I need to do and get done, but instead of putting forth a molecule's worth of effort, i just doom scroll on my phone or play games...

I skip my classes and don't do my assignments, which stresses me out a lot. I'm so worried about my school and my grades, but despite that I don't do anything about it, i just keep skipping classes and procrastinating. What the hell? It's honestly the same with my mental health. It keeps plummeting and i keep having suicidal thoughts, but I also keep skipping my therapy appointments and not seeing a doctor to discuss new medication...The worst part is that I don't even know why I do all this?? I wanna get better but i also refuse to do anything about it. My therapy sessions are online, yet the thought of them feels like such a chore so i end up skipping them and just sleeping instead. I'm almost 19, I know I'm young, but at the same time i'm an adult, I should start acting like one. I just want everyone to cater to me and all my needs, I don't want to do anything myself. I wish my therapist would ask me why I didn't attend a session, I wish he'd hold me accountable for my laziness and for skipping, but that's not his job. It's my own fault and I need to get a grip.

I just don't have the energy for anything, I always do whatever's easiest and 9 times out of 10 that's doing nothing at all. I'm so damn lazy i'm like the personification of the sin of sloth. I'm too lazy to do anything, I also just don't care about anything. I'll stress about all the school assignments I need to do, but not enough to actually do them. I'll want to see a doctor to change my meds, but not enough to actually book an appointment. I need to clean my room but I'm too lazy to. I want to lose weight so damn bad but not even self hatred is enough to motivate me to get anything done. Every single day I think about how much I want to draw yet not even that is enough to get me off my ass. I would rather rot away in a tub of mold than lift a finger to do anything. How can this level of laziness be possible??

I seriously think there is something wrong with me, I have no clue what, but I've never met someone who is as lazy as me. I'm so lazy i would sooner end up on the streets than force myself to work. The only reason that hasn't happened yet is because I have parents who support me, which I know i'm lucky for, but i wonder how much longer that will last. I can't keep living like this, but I also won't do anything about it. I absolutely despise the fact that i'm like this, I hate my life because i'm like this. Honestly, the only reason i'm so depressed and suicidal is because I don't do anything with my life! But not even THAT is enough reason for me to start getting shit done. I don't think there is anything in this world that could motivate me to move, to do things, and that scares me. How can i possibly get better when not a thing in this world can convince me to put in effort towards anything??? I am seriously my biggest enemy. I don't know if i'll ever even cbt, no matter how much worse I may get in the future, because that would take effort. To die i would have to get shit done, i'd have to prepare for it and go through with it, and you know my fatass hates to get anything done. I'm so useless i'll even procrastinate death :D

 

[Hibiki]

i feel for you immensely. one thing i know for sure is that it's insanely difficult to pull yourself out of a hole like this once you've fallen into it. why would you feel like completing your homework, cleaning your room, or drawing when you know that you have a towering backlog of missing assignments, an endless clutter of objects in your room, or numerous steps to complete a piece of artwork? these tasks you're setting for yourself are daunting and hard to tackle on your own, or all at once. it's overwhelming, isn't it?

the greatest piece of advice i can give you is to do things one step at a time/set smaller goals for yourself. i'm sure you've heard it many times before, but it works quite well. instead of thinking about all the schoolwork you have to do, aim to finish one thing by the end of the day, then tomorrow, maybe get two in, or try to do one in less time. instead of trying to attend an entire therapy appointment, tell yourself you'll only talk for 5-10 minutes, then ask to end it early (if your therapist allows that), sort of like a quick check-up rather than a full session. it won't really feel like you're making any progress or doing anything meaningful, but one task completed is better than zero, no?

make sure to be as kind as you can to yourself! reward yourself when you achieve the goal you've set, because that's something to be proud of; it's a step in the right direction. remind yourself that you've just done more than you did yesterday, which is much more than enough.

another suggestion: i know you'd feel bad about making it someone else's responsibility, but do you think it would help if you did actually ask someone like your therapist to hold you accountable for things? after all, it's his job to help you.

i know it's tough and i'm struggling just as much as you are, but that's why i know you can overcome it—maybe not today, maybe not this week, but eventually. and i'll be rooting for you every step of the way! ฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅ

 

[meowme0w]

i feel for you immensely. one thing i know for sure is that it's insanely difficult to pull yourself out of a hole like this once you've fallen into it. why would you feel like completing your homework, cleaning your room, or drawing when you know that you have a towering backlog of missing assignments, an endless clutter of objects in your room, or numerous steps to complete a piece of artwork? these tasks you're setting for yourself are daunting and hard to tackle on your own, or all at once. it's overwhelming, isn't it?

the greatest piece of advice i can give you is to do things one step at a time/set smaller goals for yourself. i'm sure you've heard it many times before, but it works quite well. instead of thinking about all the schoolwork you have to do, aim to finish one thing by the end of the day, then tomorrow, maybe get two in, or try to do one in less time. instead of trying to attend an entire therapy appointment, tell yourself you'll only talk for 5-10 minutes, then ask to end it early (if your therapist allows that), sort of like a quick check-up rather than a full session. it won't really feel like you're making any progress or doing anything meaningful, but one task completed is better than zero, no?

make sure to be as kind as you can to yourself! reward yourself when you achieve the goal you've set, because that's something to be proud of; it's a step in the right direction. remind yourself that you've just done more than you did yesterday, which is much more than enough.

another suggestion: i know you'd feel bad about making it someone else's responsibility, but do you think it would help if you did actually ask someone like your therapist to hold you accountable for things? after all, it's his job to help you.

i know it's tough and i'm struggling just as much as you are, but that's why i know you can overcome it—maybe not today, maybe not this week, but eventually. and i'll be rooting for you every step of the way! ฅ՞•ﻌ•՞ฅ

Thank you for the incredibly kind wordsI'm sorry to hear you're going through this too, it's really tough

I have indeed heard that advice a lot before lol, so far i don't think it's worked super well for me, but honestly I might just be bad at setting small goals for myself. At my heart i've always been a bit of a perfectionist/over-achiever, so it's hard to set small goals, even though I haven't been able to be the over-achiever i once was in years lmao
But I'll keep trying!! Just because I failed before doesn't mean I can't succeed the next time!! I'll try to get things done, one thing at a time. Maybe I'll even try to get others to hold me accountable sometimes

I wish you all the best and thank you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this a lot. I suppose I'm lucky in as much as it's hit a lot later in life for me- I'm in my mid 40's.

I wonder if part of the problem is- you might not get enough satisfaction out of actually achieving these things? That's partly my problem I find. As in- sure, I'd like to live in a clean and organised environment but, I can live in a mess. And, I so detest all things domestic that the hatred towards that way exceeds the satisfaction I would feel from it being tidy.

I suppose what does finally force me to act is- I dread failure. I hate being judged and I hate being in pain. So- there are certain things it's necessary to do to avoid all of the above.

I actually hate it when people try to hold me accountable. It ties into my hatred of expectations on me, being judged and made to feel guilty (when I resent being alive to begin with.)

If that's something you feel would work on you though- to motivate you- maybe you could try to get therapists/ friends/ family involved. Start confessing how lazy you are being. My own relations would naturally start to sound shocked and critical at that point but, if yours don't- maybe tell them that's what you need.

Even here though. You could find someone to check in with. Tell them what you plan to do tomorrow and then fess up to whether you did or not the next day.

 

[NutOrat]

Spoiler: Everyone Hates You by Andrew Allanson

I seriously think there is something wrong with me, I have no clue what, but I've never met someone who is as lazy as me. I'm so lazy i would sooner end up on the streets than force myself to work. The only reason that hasn't happened yet is because I have parents who support me, which I know i'm lucky for, but i wonder how much longer that will last. I can't keep living like this, but I also won't do anything about it. I absolutely despise the fact that i'm like this, I hate my life because i'm like this. Honestly, the only reason i'm so depressed and suicidal is because I don't do anything with my life! But not even THAT is enough reason for me to start getting shit done. I don't think there is anything in this world that could motivate me to move, to do things, and that scares me. How can i possibly get better when not a thing in this world can convince me to put in effort towards anything??? I am seriously my biggest enemy. I don't know if i'll ever even cbt, no matter how much worse I may get in the future, because that would take effort. To die i would have to get shit done, i'd have to prepare for it and go through with it, and you know my fatass hates to get anything done. I'm so useless i'll even procrastinate death :D

You sound exactly like me, OP, to a scary degree, though I realise my situation is far from unique. I always justify it with my desire to avoid pain as much as I can, to not bring more pain into this world, and I equate effort = negative feelings = pain. But I think all I'm doing is half-assedly covering up the simple fact that I'm just a lazy piece of shit, and am so lazy that nonexistence feels like the only way I can be, as paradoxical as that sounds. And even more so considering the fact that, just like you, I can't bring myself to do it. Yes, a big part of it is guilt from the pain I'd cause to my family, and I do truthfully desire to minimize the pain I cause, but an even bigger part I think is that I'm just too lazy to, it doesn't get any more complex than that.

On top of that, mix the comical degree of laziness with my self-centeredness and egotism, and you get a nuclear mix of just about the most pathetic and undeserving of sympathy human being there can be. My downfall as a person, all of my shortcomings, all of my suffering and the suffering I've inflicted unto others - it's all the result of my laziness. Haha, even now, I'm just bitching about myself, and not actually acknowledging or interacting with your situation at all, I'm that self-obsessed. Also it would require more effort to talk about someone else, show compassion, then just regurgitate things I've said about myself a million or so times, I'm too lazy to do that. Sorry, OP, all I can talk about is me.

---

I suppose what does finally force me to act is- I dread failure. I hate being judged and I hate being in pain. So- there are certain things it's necessary to do to avoid all of the above.

I actually hate it when people try to hold me accountable. It ties into my hatred of expectations on me, being judged and made to feel guilty (when I resent being alive to begin with.)

If that's something you feel would work on you though- to motivate you- maybe you could try to get therapists/ friends/ family involved. Start confessing how lazy you are being. My own relations would naturally start to sound shocked and critical at that point but, if yours don't- maybe tell them that's what you need.

I also dread being judged, scolded, and disappointing others. But I'm so fucking lazy that I'd even fail to do most important and basic things, be scolded for that, cry and rage about it, get extremely depressed and fuel my self-hatred even more, which exhausts me, making sure I can definitely not do anything after. I marinade in my own self-pity, reinforced by disappointment others feel towards me. This would not work for me at all, only bring even more pain and shame and disappointment. I'm less than worthless, I refuse to get a job even though my parents have to work hard to support their atrocity of a child who's 23 and wants to move nowhere, I'm extremely lonely but I can never hope to get into a relationship as a useless neet, I'm convinced I'm too lazy to love anybody, there is nothing that will make me move.

I'd get thrown on the street and I'd rather curl up into a ball and starve to death or get under a car then move and try to survive. Setting small goals? Forget it, the smallest goals are unachievable for me. There is no hope for such a worthless dumbfuck. I was always like this, it didn't happen out of nowhere, I was just never meant to survive, I'm not capable of enduring this for anyone's sake. Ok I'll stop.

 

[itsgone2]

I never thought I was lazy but I was busy with the wrongs things. No difference I guess. Now my brain feels like a fog. Everything is wrong.