Venting Venting about Gender dysphoria

[Jinnberg]

Gender dysphoria has been something I've struggled with for a while now and is one reason as to why I'm so miserable. I'm fairly certain it started when I was 14. My neighborhood had lots of creepy old dudes who would constantly make comments on young women's bodies, the usual catcalling and trying to get the girls to go inside with them.

Boys at my school would also try to fondle me, I never told anyone at the time because they probably wouldn't believe me.

Being constantly sexualized as a teenager made me want to revert back to my old body, the one of a child. That's how my eating disorder started, I wanted to be "pure." I wanted to look innocent. I wanted to be so skinny that no one would want to touch me.

My body started to look foreign, it felt as if it didn't belong to me. Despite my ED, my body still continued to develop into that of a women. It was horrifying watching it take shape.

It was like watching a body horror flick, I still cry about the way my body looks to this day. I can't look at myself in the mirror without cringing.

It didn't feel like me at all, it felt like I was in the body of a complete stranger.

And despite all this, I still have the destructive desire to be beautiful, to appeal to men despite not being attracted to men.

I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I only started to feel somewhat better (although I still hate being looked at) when I started to dress and look more like a man. It was like a giant boulder was lifted off my shoulders.

Unfortunately, I don't have the money to remove my breasts yet and I still want to die. However, it still is a step forward, albeit a small step forward.

I want to be there for my niece, my own personal projects, my sister, and my mother. If I were to die, then my mom wouldn't be able to function and as a result my sister would struggle taking care of my niece alone.

I feel like so much relies on me staying alive, but it's so difficult to keep going. I'm so glad I was able to let this all out.

Sorry for not being here much, I've been busy with some of my projects and commissions. ^^"

 

[WornOutLife]

I hate that kind of old dudes. Damn people!
Sorry you had to go through all this!

Anyway, it's nice to see you here. Feel free to vent as much as you want.

Hope things get better somehow, btw.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[fishtacos4me]

My body started to look foreign, it felt as if it didn't belong to me. Despite my ED, my body still continued to develop into that of a women. It was horrifying watching it take shape.

Transguy here - I had this experience, too. You are not alone.

 

[Whale_bones]

Your gender journey is your own and I encourage you to keep exploring and think deeply about your identity. From someone who has experienced both, it's important to know that the distress of being constantly sexualized, being objectified, being assaulted, etc. and the distress of gender dysphoria are two totally separate things. Imagine if you were never harassed or objectified by a man again, and would never be in danger of it; would you still want to transition? Gender identity is about who you are, at your very core. Added distress can be caused by outside influences, just like anything in life, but even if all outside influences vanished, it would still be there because it's part of who you are.

As much as I wish I could avoid the objectification and danger that comes from having a female body, I know that it isn't the reason for my gender dysphoria. You need to make sure you know the true reasons for your feelings, as if you don't, you will regret taking actions that don't align with who you really are. Trans people also experience harassment at very high rates, along with discrimination in many parts of life; it isn't an escape from anything.

 

[Jinnberg]

Your gender journey is your own and I encourage you to keep exploring and think deeply about your identity. From someone who has experienced both, it's important to know that the distress of being constantly sexualized, being objectified, being assaulted, etc. and the distress of gender dysphoria are two totally separate things. Imagine if you were never harassed or objectified by a man again, and would never be in danger of it; would you still want to transition? Gender identity is about who you are, at your very core. Added distress can be caused by outside influences, just like anything in life, but even if all outside influences vanished, it would still be there because it's part of who you are.

As much as I wish I could avoid the objectification and danger that comes from having a female body, I know that it isn't the reason for my gender dysphoria. You need to make sure you know the true reasons for your feelings, as if you don't, you will regret taking actions that don't align with who you really are. Trans people also experience harassment at very high rates, along with discrimination in many parts of life; it isn't an escape from anything.

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it! I'd say even before all that has happened, I still didn't feel comfortable with being born female. It never felt right to me, I remember being as young as 6 and wishing I had been born male.

It's been an issue I've dealt with for a long time, even if I had no trauma, I'd still want to transition.

I'll make sure to think about if it's really what I want though, to avoid being in a worse situation than I'm already in. Thanks again for the advice, it was very helpful!!

 

[Whale_bones]

Thanks for the advice, I really do appreciate it! I'd say even before all that has happened, I still didn't feel comfortable with being born female. It never felt right to me, I remember being as young as 6 and wishing I had been born male.

It's been an issue I've dealt with for a long time, even if I had no trauma, I'd still want to transition.

I'll make sure to think about if it's really what I want though, to avoid being in a worse situation than I'm already in. Thanks again for the advice, it was very helpful!!

I'm so glad I could offer advice that is helpful to you. It can be so hard to sort out complicated thoughts and emotions after living through traumatic events. It seems you are already clearly aware of your feelings, and that is a strength that will serve you well as you continue your journey. I wish you all the luck!