SpaceAlien
Member
- Feb 21, 2024
- 11
I don't have anyone I can talk to like this but I just want to write my feelings out. Sorry about any gramatical errors, I just wanna focus on getting this down.
For about a year now, maybe 2, I've felt like I'm at the end of my life and I'm just waiting for the day I finally say "Today's the day I end it". I've been in a poor mental state for many many years, but something about this past year/2 has really felt final. I don't know how to explain it. I've never been able to envision a future for myself. My whole life it always felt like this far away made up thing. It's like I've always known I was gonna end my own life. Sometimes I think I was made to die. It really feels like the future is just something that was not made for me. I don't know if it's the depression numbness or if there's something else wrong with me but even though I want to die, I don't feel anything. The only time I feel anything is when things get really bad and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, but inbetween those (which happens 2-3 times a year), I feel pretty much nothing at all. I think I'm probably gonna go with complete hanging when the time comes and recently I've thought about going on walks/trails near me to scout a possible location and also just to get myself out of the house and look at some nice scenery and think. The problem is, even when I'm out and walking, I don't really feel anything, my brain doesn't think. It's just like "I was there... and now I'm here" and that's it. Theres no feeling of escapism or enjoyment. It feels no different than being inside so I feel like what's the point? I just feel completely nothing.
I dropped out of school at the beginning of highschool because of bullying and possible undiagnosed adhd and/or autism issues (not diagnosed but possible). Ever since that day I have lived the same day every day. I'm now 26 and I have nothing. I have no friends, the last time I hung out with another person was when I was 13. I live in my room 99% of the time, I rarely get out of bed, I have no goals, I have nothing I want, I just want it to be over. I live with my mother but things aren't great between us. She's gotten so used to seeing me like this that I don't think it really registers to her how bad it is. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I guess I'm just sharing this in hopes someone else out there relates and maybe wants to talk about it.
For about a year now, maybe 2, I've felt like I'm at the end of my life and I'm just waiting for the day I finally say "Today's the day I end it". I've been in a poor mental state for many many years, but something about this past year/2 has really felt final. I don't know how to explain it. I've never been able to envision a future for myself. My whole life it always felt like this far away made up thing. It's like I've always known I was gonna end my own life. Sometimes I think I was made to die. It really feels like the future is just something that was not made for me. I don't know if it's the depression numbness or if there's something else wrong with me but even though I want to die, I don't feel anything. The only time I feel anything is when things get really bad and I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, but inbetween those (which happens 2-3 times a year), I feel pretty much nothing at all. I think I'm probably gonna go with complete hanging when the time comes and recently I've thought about going on walks/trails near me to scout a possible location and also just to get myself out of the house and look at some nice scenery and think. The problem is, even when I'm out and walking, I don't really feel anything, my brain doesn't think. It's just like "I was there... and now I'm here" and that's it. Theres no feeling of escapism or enjoyment. It feels no different than being inside so I feel like what's the point? I just feel completely nothing.
I dropped out of school at the beginning of highschool because of bullying and possible undiagnosed adhd and/or autism issues (not diagnosed but possible). Ever since that day I have lived the same day every day. I'm now 26 and I have nothing. I have no friends, the last time I hung out with another person was when I was 13. I live in my room 99% of the time, I rarely get out of bed, I have no goals, I have nothing I want, I just want it to be over. I live with my mother but things aren't great between us. She's gotten so used to seeing me like this that I don't think it really registers to her how bad it is. I'm not looking for advice or anything, I guess I'm just sharing this in hopes someone else out there relates and maybe wants to talk about it.
