Don't mind me, just another venting post.
Had my first class since the bereavement today. It was only 30 minutes, but at the end when the student asked if I'm okay, I could barely stop myself from crying. She's a really nice person, she said that 20 years from now I'd look back and this would all be just a blip in the road. I didn't have the heart to tell her exactly what has happened. It's so much more than a 'blip', but what would telling her do to help things? I'm trying to maintain a professional appearance, but god it's hard. I could feel my lack of passion for teaching today... I used to love it, really live for it, but this class was torturous. Now I'll have to repeat this process with the students I'm keeping on. The look of pity, the attempts at comfort. Maybe I should tell them what has happened just so they're aware that I'm currently going through a lot.
And then, no more than 5 minutes after the class ended, my landlord calls. The parents of my late partner were at our flat. Somehow I was supposed to have a psychic link with them to know they were going to deep clean the place. The way he spoke to me was just so void of compassion. My world has come to a screeching halt and all he seems to care about is getting new tenants as soon as he can.
You'd think that would be enough, but nope. I was informed of the funeral date and location. It's being held in a town far away from where I live, so it's very likely I won't be able to go. Maybe it's for the best? If I don't see the coffin I can continue deluding myself into thinking he'll show up at my door one day. I don't know.
My SN arriving today has somehow kept me relatively calm. My mum and sister are going on holiday in mid-March, otherwise I would likely end things this coming week. If I didn't feel so strongly against being found by my mum, I'd do it tonight. I'm desperate for things to end, but I feel I need to push on a tiny bit more for their sakes. I want them to enjoy themselves before I go. But today has certainly solidified my resolve - I can't handle the things this world throws at me anymore. To take a line from my partner's final note: I'm not strong anymore.
Had my first class since the bereavement today. It was only 30 minutes, but at the end when the student asked if I'm okay, I could barely stop myself from crying. She's a really nice person, she said that 20 years from now I'd look back and this would all be just a blip in the road. I didn't have the heart to tell her exactly what has happened. It's so much more than a 'blip', but what would telling her do to help things? I'm trying to maintain a professional appearance, but god it's hard. I could feel my lack of passion for teaching today... I used to love it, really live for it, but this class was torturous. Now I'll have to repeat this process with the students I'm keeping on. The look of pity, the attempts at comfort. Maybe I should tell them what has happened just so they're aware that I'm currently going through a lot.
And then, no more than 5 minutes after the class ended, my landlord calls. The parents of my late partner were at our flat. Somehow I was supposed to have a psychic link with them to know they were going to deep clean the place. The way he spoke to me was just so void of compassion. My world has come to a screeching halt and all he seems to care about is getting new tenants as soon as he can.
You'd think that would be enough, but nope. I was informed of the funeral date and location. It's being held in a town far away from where I live, so it's very likely I won't be able to go. Maybe it's for the best? If I don't see the coffin I can continue deluding myself into thinking he'll show up at my door one day. I don't know.
My SN arriving today has somehow kept me relatively calm. My mum and sister are going on holiday in mid-March, otherwise I would likely end things this coming week. If I didn't feel so strongly against being found by my mum, I'd do it tonight. I'm desperate for things to end, but I feel I need to push on a tiny bit more for their sakes. I want them to enjoy themselves before I go. But today has certainly solidified my resolve - I can't handle the things this world throws at me anymore. To take a line from my partner's final note: I'm not strong anymore.
