Another rough day. I keep waiting for my mood to change, to feel better, but it's not coming. My previous depressive spirals were nothing compared with this. How can I possibly recover from these circumstances? I'm a broken record at this point, I know, but losing my partner has wrecked me. I can't put this pain into words.
This morning the police called me. They need me to go and give a statement at the station. It will take several hours. I don't want to relive our last conversation, or the morning I spent desperately trying to contact him, knowing in my heart that he was already gone. What more can they possibly need from me??? I had to read his suicide note over the phone for them on the day it happened. It took all my strength to do that. I've since not looked at it, I can't, but they will want to see it, see the messages he sent me prior to the incident. To make things worse, the station is so close to where our flat is. Seeing that street will break my heart. When we moved there we were so happy, excited for the future... I can't say I've moved forward since that day, but dredging it all up in some cold, sterile interview room will throw me right back to the start.
Tomorrow family friends will go to our flat and pack my things. There are photos of the two of us, a framed picture of petals from the first bouquet of flowers he bought me, anniversary and birthday cards he gave to me... I can't bear to see them. I feel sick just imagining them being in my hands again. I can't do this.
Later this month is the funeral. I have decided I will go. A final goodbye just until I am able to CTB. I have everything prepared, I just need to wait. 33 days left. Only a few weeks, but it feels like an eternity from now.
I haven't cried all day, but now it is all too much. I am exhausted, but cannot sleep. I want him to hold me again. I would give anything.
This morning the police called me. They need me to go and give a statement at the station. It will take several hours. I don't want to relive our last conversation, or the morning I spent desperately trying to contact him, knowing in my heart that he was already gone. What more can they possibly need from me??? I had to read his suicide note over the phone for them on the day it happened. It took all my strength to do that. I've since not looked at it, I can't, but they will want to see it, see the messages he sent me prior to the incident. To make things worse, the station is so close to where our flat is. Seeing that street will break my heart. When we moved there we were so happy, excited for the future... I can't say I've moved forward since that day, but dredging it all up in some cold, sterile interview room will throw me right back to the start.
Tomorrow family friends will go to our flat and pack my things. There are photos of the two of us, a framed picture of petals from the first bouquet of flowers he bought me, anniversary and birthday cards he gave to me... I can't bear to see them. I feel sick just imagining them being in my hands again. I can't do this.
Later this month is the funeral. I have decided I will go. A final goodbye just until I am able to CTB. I have everything prepared, I just need to wait. 33 days left. Only a few weeks, but it feels like an eternity from now.
I haven't cried all day, but now it is all too much. I am exhausted, but cannot sleep. I want him to hold me again. I would give anything.
