vent

[sickofbeinghere]

i am in so much pain, i feel so alone, i dont have anyone to talk to who understands the levels of trauma ive been through (trafficking, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence, abusive parents) I just want this feeling to end. i need a friend so badly.. just somebody who hears what Ive gone through but I push everyone away, not actively pushing away but just by never reaching out first etc. I go days without seeing another human being. i moved to a new city and i just spend all my time in my flat. i dont work or go out or do anything. im a 23 year old woman so I can go out clubbing and get validation from men etc but I'm gay so it just makes me miserable. plus I get sexually assaulted and risk of spiking (where i live has a LOT of spiking cases and i have been spiked before).. I just want this to end. but i have survival instinct and suicide is really hard. i think on a deeper level im scared of death and im also scared of my life being a tragedy. i know im 23 and i have time to turn it around. I just dont understand how i'll ever climb out of this hole im in

 

[ghost_]

I wish you all the best <3

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is painful. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, but I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[cambrai33]

i am in so much pain, i feel so alone, i dont have anyone to talk to who understands the levels of trauma ive been through (trafficking, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence, abusive parents) I just want this feeling to end. i need a friend so badly.. just somebody who hears what Ive gone through but I push everyone away, not actively pushing away but just by never reaching out first etc. I go days without seeing another human being. i moved to a new city and i just spend all my time in my flat. i dont work or go out or do anything. im a 23 year old woman so I can go out clubbing and get validation from men etc but I'm gay so it just makes me miserable. plus I get sexually assaulted and risk of spiking (where i live has a LOT of spiking cases and i have been spiked before).. I just want this to end. but i have survival instinct and suicide is really hard. i think on a deeper level im scared of death and im also scared of my life being a tragedy. i know im 23 and i have time to turn it around. I just dont understand how i'll ever climb out of this hole im in

I can't even begin to understand what you have been through and how it is affecting you so much now. I am so sorry all these things have happened to you

Some things you wrote show that you haven't given up on life totally, though I totally get why ctb seems like an option. Have you asked for help from a professional or a confidential service? You don't have to tell them you want to end things but maybe they can process how you are feeling. Everyday is going to be shit for a long time but perhaps each one wasn't as bad as the last.

I push people away as I feel I don't deserve to be helped but I am making a conscious effort to get proper help, if that doesn't work then at least I tried.

I do feel for you, please keep talking and if you haven't yet reached out then at least give it a try, you literally in this mindset have nothing to lose but maybe lots to gain

 

[Kobusu]

i am in so much pain, i feel so alone, i dont have anyone to talk to who understands the levels of trauma ive been through (trafficking, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence, abusive parents) I just want this feeling to end. i need a friend so badly.. just somebody who hears what Ive gone through but I push everyone away, not actively pushing away but just by never reaching out first etc. I go days without seeing another human being. i moved to a new city and i just spend all my time in my flat. i dont work or go out or do anything. im a 23 year old woman so I can go out clubbing and get validation from men etc but I'm gay so it just makes me miserable. plus I get sexually assaulted and risk of spiking (where i live has a LOT of spiking cases and i have been spiked before).. I just want this to end. but i have survival instinct and suicide is really hard. i think on a deeper level im scared of death and im also scared of my life being a tragedy. i know im 23 and i have time to turn it around. I just dont understand how i'll ever climb out of this hole im in

It always looks hopeless and impossible to climb. It always hurts. I would say I'm sorry, but there's no point in being sorry, so know that instead you are supported.

Truthfully I couldn't imagine being a woman and feeling safe in general, especially not in clubs or places like that where people seem to turn into animals. It's hard adjusting to a new city, and it's hard to push ourselves to do anything. I know it looks like you'll never get out of this hole, or that you'll never escape this pain. Maybe you won't, but you've already made the first step. Posting and asking for help takes more effort than people realize. Suicide is hard, but living is harder, and you're just as brave as I or anybody else who has never or will never make it to the recovery section of this website. Turning things around is a slow process. It takes time. It hurts, but I know you have it in you.

It's hard to reach out to people, so don't beat yourself for not doing such. Asking for help is the hardest step though and you've taken it. We must remember to be kind to ourselves instead of just others. I empathize, and I hope you recognize how big of a step you've taken just by talking about this in the first place.

 

[sartre_camus_love]

i am in so much pain, i feel so alone, i dont have anyone to talk to who understands the levels of trauma ive been through (trafficking, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, domestic violence, abusive parents) I just want this feeling to end. i need a friend so badly.. just somebody who hears what Ive gone through but I push everyone away, not actively pushing away but just by never reaching out first etc. I go days without seeing another human being. i moved to a new city and i just spend all my time in my flat. i dont work or go out or do anything. im a 23 year old woman so I can go out clubbing and get validation from men etc but I'm gay so it just makes me miserable. plus I get sexually assaulted and risk of spiking (where i live has a LOT of spiking cases and i have been spiked before).. I just want this to end. but i have survival instinct and suicide is really hard. i think on a deeper level im scared of death and im also scared of my life being a tragedy. i know im 23 and i have time to turn it around. I just dont understand how i'll ever climb out of this hole im in

I am so sorry you have been through so much. I don't know what it's like to be you, but I wanted to share some of my story: my earliest memory is of being sexually assaulted, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man 9 years my senior when I was in high school, I was date raped my freshman year of college, I was disowned for awhile when I came out as bisexual to my parents at 21 (my mom literally wrote me hate mail) I took care of my father until he died of cancer when I was 23. I attempted suicide multiple times and I felt similarly that I was never going to be happy or feel good ever again because there was this giant hole where my heart should be and no matter what good happened it would always be there. I am 32, I live with bipolar disorder, I still have depressive episodes and feel overwhelmed sometimes, but I love the life I have built. It's been over a decade of therapy, in patient treatment, 5 years on mood stabilizers (I'm currently unmedicated), one great MDMA experience and a scary acid trip, and my life is beautiful, fulfilling and sprinkled with moments of deep soul-aching despair. But I also feel immense joy. Life is a mixed bag, but things can get better sometimes