Venting vent

[lovebomb]

i have nobody to talk to at the moment, my therapist is gonna be out of office for awhile, but i also don't really have any family or friends to go to
i don't think i can recall the last time i have been happy, i feel pathetic and i feel too tired to do anything including relapsing (which i dont even have enough money to do) honestly i just feel like im falling behind while everyone i know grows and changes and my minds been stuck at the same point for the past 2 years. i don't feel capable of doing anything good
i hate everything about myself. genuinely i self loath so much it's so tiring. i feel so inferior to everyone around me every single day.
i also wish id just be able to leave the relationship im in right now. communication gets us nowhere it's not benefitting either of us but either way i know im going to feel awful and i think i also hate the fact that this person would be completely okay without me, like my presence doesn't seem to really mean much
idk i feel childish right now but im so scared of dying too it seems so tiring but being alive is really tiring too
all i do is lay in bed all day waiting for my partner to text me, i have no hobbies at all, i feel like i have 0 value in this world

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I can somewhat understand how you feel. ive been struggling through shitty situation after shitty situation for the past few years. My mom passed away when i was 17 and I moved to texas to live with my sister. I was sad and really missed my mom, but i didnt cry all that much. I feel like the small moments where i did tear up during the cremation, it was only cause i felt like i was supposed to.


All three of my sisters are doing things with their lives. 2 of them got married, one married one has several kids, the other married one has one on the way and has her own business and makes six figures. two of them went to a really good university and got good degrees. meanwhile, i dropped out of online college and proceeded to get fired from 3 jobs before becoming homeless. after a while i went to job corps to learn how to weld in hopes of findind a good job and changing myself for the better, but i ended up finding no jobs and after going to my sister's wedding and seeing how better their lives were, i began to hate myself more than anything and wanted to ctb. now im working night shifta at a grocery store and am gonna be moving out of my sister's place and be on my own for the first time. everyone always tells me that i dont have things as bad and that im working on becoming better, and they're not all that wrong. but i still hate myself. i hate that im just nothing but some failure wagie while everyone else in my family is doing so much with their lives. they all have big friend groups, lovers, socialize, basically the exact opposite of me. i never had long term friends outside of school or work, never had a girlfriend, I'll just be stuck working dead end jobs making the bare minimum to survive until i die.