Vent: Why must we worry more about others' suffering than our own?

[_Broken_alice]

The only reason we are still here is because we worry so much about how much choosing to put an end to this hell will hurt the few people we care about dearly. Life has been miserable since childhood. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. We wake up, we disassociate through the day as best we can, and eventually we manage to get to sleep just to repeat the cycle. We made the mistake of opening up again after what our ex put us through last year and we wish we hadn't. It would be so much easier to take the meds followed by SN if it weren't for knowing how much they would all be hurt by it. They don't deserve that.. So instead we continue to exist in this hell wondering when we will finally have enough to no longer care about how others feel. We are already pushing our partners away, but it isn't enough. If we could just be with them, maybe we'd have a chance at getting better but we can't be. And it this point, we feel it is honestly too late to recover. Way too much is wrong with us physically and mentally. We frequently dip into psychosis. We are in constant physical pain that is life ruining at best. We have mental breakdowns so easily throughout the day any time we start to slip back to reality and we have multiple breakdowns every time we try to go to sleep. We are so tired of it all and have been for so long. Right now we are just waiting to run out of money to face homelessness as that is the one thing we know will push us past the point of caring about hurting those we love and care about. We know that is the one situation we will absolutely not deal with as it is one off the only things that would make this even worse as it would take away our distractions. If it weren't for the few people we care about, we would have been gone already. We have never lived life for ourselves. We've been miserable since childhood. Every day we wonder if the pain of seeing us like this for so long outweighs the pain of losing someone you are close to but knowing they are no longer suffering. We are so tired and want it over with but can't. We have no SI to speak of, only the guilt of knowing how much we'd be hurting people that don't deserve that pain, so we go on despite our wishes.
We so badly wish we had a button that would guaranteed end this misery and also erase all memory of us so no-one would have to hurt for our pain to end. Part of us wishes we hadn't been worried about hurting our ex even as she broke us. We wish we had gone into the shower and painted the ceilings and walls that lovely shade of red we love oh so much while emotions were high and before anhedonia set in again. We agreed to a date months ago, and when the time came, couldn't go through with it. All we could think about is how much pain we'd be passing on. Nothing feels real anymore except the pain and yet we aren't allowed to escape it. To us, it is more beneficial to continue to exist in complete misery than hurt others.

Also, our name is not fucking "Alice". It is "alice". All lowercase. That being "corrected" in replies and references to our posts such as our SN testing really pisses her off and makes things worse. If she wanted it capitalized, she would have chosen to do so.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

It's not the reason I'm here. Reason I'm still here is I'm scared of pain and fucking an attempt up.

 

[UKscotty]

It's hard to read that font but in my view it's because normal people care and emphasise with others.

Only psychopaths don't care about other people's feelings.

You are just human, its natural and normal to care about others.

 

[Malaria]

I feel the same way. I sometimes wish no one ever knew me at all so I wouldn't have to worry about hurting people if I choose to off myself.

 

[voidstar]

The guilt is pretty effective at keeping me here, I wish people just wouldn't care and let me go.