cu1len
:]
- Jan 3, 2019
- 86
i really just do not know what to do anymore. 2022 had so many ups but so many downs. I don't know if I can handle another year. My childhood best friend died in a car crash over the summer and my anxiety in and around cars has spiked to a million. Depression has fucked over any chance I have of passing my classes. I can barely get myself out of bed and I am sick so much of the time. I don't want to die, the thought of it absolutely terrifies me, but I can't see a way for me to keep living. Nobody really needs me around and it breaks my heart. I have friends but all of them have higher priorities and that isn't a bad thing adn theyu dont have to feel at fault for it at all and i just IDK. My gpa is 1.9 and trying to keep up with my job and school is so stressful. My sexual abuser is still walking free and the people that know aren't doing shit about it and think he can be forgiven for abusing a child. My future is all of a sudden so close and so much worse than I expected it to be. I don't have a choice for my medical care rightnow and I was so close to being able to take testosterone which would have taken away so much of my dysphoria and fixed so many of my self esteem issues and the suicidal thoughts that come from dysphoria and then all of a sudden I had that choice taken away and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. I want to sleep all the time. I need the world to pause for like 2 years or so. everyone i know would have someone to replace me and i hate it. i just dotn know how to be alive int he way everyone else seems to be doing so well. i want to sleep so badly. I am afraid to die but I am afraid to live. I am afraid of what comes after. Im not religious but the thought of nothingness is so stressful. I know it's all gone if it's nothing but that means everything is gone and nothing was worth me being alive. jsjdfksdflskjfkaljfsaf i just yeah
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