Alcoholic Teletubby
Rip in piss
- Jan 10, 2022
- 374
I'm not sure why I torture myself like this. This is a loop I've put myself through that hasn't yielded any positive results.
I don't have the wherewithal to mature into a full adult. Part of it is due to my unwillingness to do so. I didn't have a really formidable adolescence, so I'm constantly trying to make up for it. Although it wasn't THE WORST THING EVER, a few things stand out and linger in my mind.
But I feed into my negative tendencies, which is what keeps me stuck. I suppose it's just a bad habit, and I lack the motivation to change things for the better. So, self-sabotage?
Perhaps I just want to engage in some form of masochism. Or perhaps I simply need to be the leader since I've stopped caring and trying. Things that are fleeting give me a sense of motivation.
I wish to improve. But I also need to be consistent with that, which is something I struggle with.
A follow-up to this is part of a conversation that I engaged in with an acquaintance, describing where I was/am currently in my life:
"So like- do you ever get a lot of nostalgia for a time that you were miserable and kinda wanna go back to that? Like it's the memories and good times you wanna go back to more than relive the actual experience"
Absolutely. I may have had a hard time back then, but it's a lot better to feel something and then express it; rather than being numb and refusing to allow oneself any form of relief, whereas you draw out that agonizing sensation as much as possible.
I was depressed as hell, but at least I was mainly just responsible for school (the highest expectation) and had my hobbies/hyperfixations to fall back on. Not the concept that I'm in my twenties and yet feel the same way.
So no, you're not alone in that.
Not to get all weird and life-lesson-y, but whatever you're going through, try to avoid feeding into that feeling/mindset. It eventually turns into an addiction. You can become reliant on it and eventually incorporate it into your personality.
I don't have the wherewithal to mature into a full adult. Part of it is due to my unwillingness to do so. I didn't have a really formidable adolescence, so I'm constantly trying to make up for it. Although it wasn't THE WORST THING EVER, a few things stand out and linger in my mind.
But I feed into my negative tendencies, which is what keeps me stuck. I suppose it's just a bad habit, and I lack the motivation to change things for the better. So, self-sabotage?
Perhaps I just want to engage in some form of masochism. Or perhaps I simply need to be the leader since I've stopped caring and trying. Things that are fleeting give me a sense of motivation.
I wish to improve. But I also need to be consistent with that, which is something I struggle with.
A follow-up to this is part of a conversation that I engaged in with an acquaintance, describing where I was/am currently in my life:
"So like- do you ever get a lot of nostalgia for a time that you were miserable and kinda wanna go back to that? Like it's the memories and good times you wanna go back to more than relive the actual experience"
Absolutely. I may have had a hard time back then, but it's a lot better to feel something and then express it; rather than being numb and refusing to allow oneself any form of relief, whereas you draw out that agonizing sensation as much as possible.
I was depressed as hell, but at least I was mainly just responsible for school (the highest expectation) and had my hobbies/hyperfixations to fall back on. Not the concept that I'm in my twenties and yet feel the same way.
So no, you're not alone in that.
Not to get all weird and life-lesson-y, but whatever you're going through, try to avoid feeding into that feeling/mindset. It eventually turns into an addiction. You can become reliant on it and eventually incorporate it into your personality.
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