Cheemo
Here on my own
- Jul 30, 2021
- 48
Just pasting the CTB note I plan to leave behind with my body. Need to vent it out because I am suffering in agony.
Message me if you'd like to join me in CTB plan. Extra points if you hate your mother and brother like me. We can ruin their lives together and die at peace. <3
enjoy.
----------------------------------------
I only write to explain my pain and suffering. No longer will I write heartfelt letters to loved ones, explaining it is not their fault - things have changed.
On February 1st 2025, my life took a turn that allowed me to never come back.
But before I explain that horrific night, you must first know that this isn't the first time it has happened.
Some years back I had an argument with Rizalina (my so-called mother) about my medication. I don't remember the exact argument but it was very stressful since she doesn't believe in taking meds - which made becoming mentally stable much more difficult.
Anyways, I got very upset and realized I needed to leave the situation, whether it was to drive or to take a walk - I just needed to get out. She stands in front of me and the door. I tell her to move out of the way. She refuses and slaps me and so I slap her back and it eventually leaves us on the floor fighting.
Eventually my dad comes in and restrains me to the ground. I cried for help because I couldn't breathe and had a panic attack as well. I kept screaming for help. I just wanted him to get off me because it hurts and I couldn't breathe. At the same time she is standing, looking down at me saying with a smile on her face "Ohh yea! Keep screaming! Yeeeesss yeeessss we want the neighbors to hear so they can call the cops and take you away! Yes! Keep screaming! You'll be the one in trouble! Not me!" Eventually dad lets go and I catch my breath and grab my phone to call for help. Of course, there she is again saying, "Yesss! Yeesss! Call the cops! Go ahead!"
I called my friend Krist for help. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be out of there. I just wanted someone to help me. Eventually he comes and things die down and are ok.
I have been going to therapy for a very long time. During January, we have decided to work on CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) instead of EMDR. I marked that night as the most traumatic event I've ever had, or believed I ever had. On January 31st 2025, during my therapy appointment, I mentioned to him that I feel like that event was not as traumatic as I thought it would be and that it doesn't really affect me when I think about it, and even said "I would never see that happening ever again."
But on February 1st 2025 - literally the next day - it happened again. I spoke way too soon.
During the month of January it seems I've been doing fairly well, on the outside. But have mentioned many many times to Rizalina and Luke that I am actually not. One day they sat on my bed to have a chat, and putting all my trust into them I told them honestly what had been on my mind.
I explained how I don't understand people, why do they keep going despite the inevitable pain and suffering? I see it in reality, in the people I know, in video games and novels. Why keep going when you can be nothing and be at peace? I mean, I know it's probably because they all have something to live for and don't suffer self loathing like me..
I also question, why am I someone that gets affected by trauma so much more than others? I start to really get hysterical and the pain overflows. I ask what is wrong with us. Why are we all not normal? I express that a lot of it has to do with our upbringing and trauma my older sister Leanne has caused us. Of course, Rizalina not wanting to take responsibility, gets upset at this, as well as Luke because he doesn't want to see the truth either.
He starts to antagonize me, screaming at me. Saying things that I've trusted to tell him, only for him to use it against me to trigger me even more. I ignore to the best of my ability but he keeps going. He wants a fight. I have lost trust in him at this point and stand up and say I want to fight. I swing a hit at him. He just sits there.
I go to grab my jacket because again, like last time, I feel like I need to leave the situation. I just wanted to take a walk, to get away from these people that I no longer trust or feel safe around. I walk to the door and Riza gets in the way. I ask her to move and that I just want to leave. I didn't want all this to happen again. She hits me and I drag her onto the ground and hit her back. She starts pleading like a sad ugly puppy calling for Luke saying "Ohhhh ohhh! Luke! Luke!! Come here! She's hurting me! She's going to hurt me!!" But I was just staring down at her patheticness that she always needs to call a male to do her dirty work because she's weak.
Luke comes in and restrains me to the ground. I scream, "No! NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING AGAIN! NOT AGAIN NO!! THIS CAN'T BE!!!" I scream for help and the same words from last time come out of Riza's mouth. They start screaming and reciting "Our Father" acting as if I am the devil. I scream for help. I couldn't breathe again and had a panic attack twice as hard as last time. I couldn't believe what was happening. My reality was falling apart as I experienced the same exact trauma years ago.
Eventually I mustered up enough strength to get up from Luke restraining me and reach for my phone for help. Again, Riza, like an annoying parrot, pesters me to call the police. I called my therapist but no answer. I call Krist crying for help, only to be drowned out by Luke screaming awful things at me while I'm crying on the phone for help. I get frustrated and tell Krist that he's a fucking idiot and call my therapist again. This time he answers. I cry for help and tell him that it's happening all over again. Again, Luke starts screaming awful things at the top of his lungs, to where neither me nor my therapist can hear anything. Eventually he quits and I lock myself in the bathroom and continuously bang my head on the wall over and over again to make the pain and thoughts stop.
So here I am now. I cannot come back from this. All my trust is gone. All my hope is gone. All of Cheemo is gone. Hell, she has been gone for years now.
I want everyone in the world to know that I killed myself because of what Riza and Luke have done to me. It is all their fault and I want them to live with their consequences. I have tried and tried and tried but this was the last straw. I knew that I was never going to come back from that. I have nothing left.
I don't care whose side you choose or think that I'm a terrible person for doing this. I just wanted everyone to know the truth. You can believe me, or don't. Thank you if you do sympathize with me, I wish I placed my trust in you and not wasted it with so called "family members".
Don't even give me a proper burial. Throw me in a fucking ditch for all I care. I could care less about this shitty body. I don't want anyone to remember me. I don't want anyone to mourn for me. My only death wish is for everyone to forget that I ever existed. I am not worth anyone's time or thoughts. I just want to be erased from all of humanity forever.
Message me if you'd like to join me in CTB plan. Extra points if you hate your mother and brother like me. We can ruin their lives together and die at peace. <3
enjoy.
----------------------------------------
I only write to explain my pain and suffering. No longer will I write heartfelt letters to loved ones, explaining it is not their fault - things have changed.
On February 1st 2025, my life took a turn that allowed me to never come back.
But before I explain that horrific night, you must first know that this isn't the first time it has happened.
Some years back I had an argument with Rizalina (my so-called mother) about my medication. I don't remember the exact argument but it was very stressful since she doesn't believe in taking meds - which made becoming mentally stable much more difficult.
Anyways, I got very upset and realized I needed to leave the situation, whether it was to drive or to take a walk - I just needed to get out. She stands in front of me and the door. I tell her to move out of the way. She refuses and slaps me and so I slap her back and it eventually leaves us on the floor fighting.
Eventually my dad comes in and restrains me to the ground. I cried for help because I couldn't breathe and had a panic attack as well. I kept screaming for help. I just wanted him to get off me because it hurts and I couldn't breathe. At the same time she is standing, looking down at me saying with a smile on her face "Ohh yea! Keep screaming! Yeeeesss yeeessss we want the neighbors to hear so they can call the cops and take you away! Yes! Keep screaming! You'll be the one in trouble! Not me!" Eventually dad lets go and I catch my breath and grab my phone to call for help. Of course, there she is again saying, "Yesss! Yeesss! Call the cops! Go ahead!"
I called my friend Krist for help. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be out of there. I just wanted someone to help me. Eventually he comes and things die down and are ok.
I have been going to therapy for a very long time. During January, we have decided to work on CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) instead of EMDR. I marked that night as the most traumatic event I've ever had, or believed I ever had. On January 31st 2025, during my therapy appointment, I mentioned to him that I feel like that event was not as traumatic as I thought it would be and that it doesn't really affect me when I think about it, and even said "I would never see that happening ever again."
But on February 1st 2025 - literally the next day - it happened again. I spoke way too soon.
During the month of January it seems I've been doing fairly well, on the outside. But have mentioned many many times to Rizalina and Luke that I am actually not. One day they sat on my bed to have a chat, and putting all my trust into them I told them honestly what had been on my mind.
I explained how I don't understand people, why do they keep going despite the inevitable pain and suffering? I see it in reality, in the people I know, in video games and novels. Why keep going when you can be nothing and be at peace? I mean, I know it's probably because they all have something to live for and don't suffer self loathing like me..
I also question, why am I someone that gets affected by trauma so much more than others? I start to really get hysterical and the pain overflows. I ask what is wrong with us. Why are we all not normal? I express that a lot of it has to do with our upbringing and trauma my older sister Leanne has caused us. Of course, Rizalina not wanting to take responsibility, gets upset at this, as well as Luke because he doesn't want to see the truth either.
He starts to antagonize me, screaming at me. Saying things that I've trusted to tell him, only for him to use it against me to trigger me even more. I ignore to the best of my ability but he keeps going. He wants a fight. I have lost trust in him at this point and stand up and say I want to fight. I swing a hit at him. He just sits there.
I go to grab my jacket because again, like last time, I feel like I need to leave the situation. I just wanted to take a walk, to get away from these people that I no longer trust or feel safe around. I walk to the door and Riza gets in the way. I ask her to move and that I just want to leave. I didn't want all this to happen again. She hits me and I drag her onto the ground and hit her back. She starts pleading like a sad ugly puppy calling for Luke saying "Ohhhh ohhh! Luke! Luke!! Come here! She's hurting me! She's going to hurt me!!" But I was just staring down at her patheticness that she always needs to call a male to do her dirty work because she's weak.
Luke comes in and restrains me to the ground. I scream, "No! NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING AGAIN! NOT AGAIN NO!! THIS CAN'T BE!!!" I scream for help and the same words from last time come out of Riza's mouth. They start screaming and reciting "Our Father" acting as if I am the devil. I scream for help. I couldn't breathe again and had a panic attack twice as hard as last time. I couldn't believe what was happening. My reality was falling apart as I experienced the same exact trauma years ago.
Eventually I mustered up enough strength to get up from Luke restraining me and reach for my phone for help. Again, Riza, like an annoying parrot, pesters me to call the police. I called my therapist but no answer. I call Krist crying for help, only to be drowned out by Luke screaming awful things at me while I'm crying on the phone for help. I get frustrated and tell Krist that he's a fucking idiot and call my therapist again. This time he answers. I cry for help and tell him that it's happening all over again. Again, Luke starts screaming awful things at the top of his lungs, to where neither me nor my therapist can hear anything. Eventually he quits and I lock myself in the bathroom and continuously bang my head on the wall over and over again to make the pain and thoughts stop.
So here I am now. I cannot come back from this. All my trust is gone. All my hope is gone. All of Cheemo is gone. Hell, she has been gone for years now.
I want everyone in the world to know that I killed myself because of what Riza and Luke have done to me. It is all their fault and I want them to live with their consequences. I have tried and tried and tried but this was the last straw. I knew that I was never going to come back from that. I have nothing left.
I don't care whose side you choose or think that I'm a terrible person for doing this. I just wanted everyone to know the truth. You can believe me, or don't. Thank you if you do sympathize with me, I wish I placed my trust in you and not wasted it with so called "family members".
Don't even give me a proper burial. Throw me in a fucking ditch for all I care. I could care less about this shitty body. I don't want anyone to remember me. I don't want anyone to mourn for me. My only death wish is for everyone to forget that I ever existed. I am not worth anyone's time or thoughts. I just want to be erased from all of humanity forever.
