Venting vent about why i want to ctb, advice welcome

[this_is_it]

every day i have multiple panic attacks, if i go out in public there's a 90% chance i will have at least one panic attack, and every morning i just wake up full of anxiety and dread and all the hope i had that "today will be different" slips away. I'm so fucking tired of living. what's even the point. people give me anxiety. money gives me anxiety. being looked at gives me anxiety. someone gets within a 10 foot radius of me in a grocery store aisle and it feels like I'm going to fucking explode. I'm pretty sure I'm agoraphobic. how am i supposed to keep living like this. i can't even function like a normal person. i can't cook or keep the apartment clean, i have no hobbies, im barely even a person. i just waste space and food and the only person who would actually care if i was gone would be my cat. my boyfriend says he cares and when we're both half he acts like it, but at the slightest misunderstanding he starts berating me and telling me things like he hasn't felt loved in months and making me feel like a horrible person, and it always sends me into a panic attack because I'm horrified of conflict. when its over he claims I'm just misinterpreting what he's saying and idk if he's right or not. during our relationship he's slammed on the brakes on the highway during an argument with me, slapped in the face twice, broke two tvs, put multiple holes in the wall, broke my car window, cut his fingers open by slamming a knife down, and more that i have repressed. i suspect he has bpd and that can closely mirror abuse. he needs a stable influence in his life in order to get better and i constantly feel like killing myself because i can't give that to him and i can't live without him. genuinely don't have anyone else who would want to love me and take care of me like he has to. I've vented about him before and got told he was abusive, i think its more complex than that. it's like 60% of the time he's the kindest person but when i get upset he gets pissed at me. I'll tell him i don't understand what's going on and he'll just keep going telling me how its my fault im feeling this way and that I'm ignoring his feelings as if i can just magically decide to be able to think or see clearly and come up with a solution. he's the thing i care most about and i can't just fucking leave him its just not an option, ctb is my only real option at this point but I'm so scared thinking of the things he will say to me if i attempt and fail and the hospital bills and the potential side effects of whatever method i try. everything is just so hard and we can't afford therapy and i keep trying so fucking hard to get a job so that we can but i hear nothing back from anywhere

 

[avaruus]

About your boyfriends behaviour; physical violence is always abusive, it should be never tolerated

 

[MiMif]

every day i have multiple panic attacks, if i go out in public there's a 90% chance i will have at least one panic attack, and every morning i just wake up full of anxiety and dread and all the hope i had that "today will be different" slips away. I'm so fucking tired of living. what's even the point. people give me anxiety. money gives me anxiety. being looked at gives me anxiety. someone gets within a 10 foot radius of me in a grocery store aisle and it feels like I'm going to fucking explode. I'm pretty sure I'm agoraphobic. how am i supposed to keep living like this. i can't even function like a normal person. i can't cook or keep the apartment clean, i have no hobbies, im barely even a person. i just waste space and food and the only person who would actually care if i was gone would be my cat. my boyfriend says he cares and when we're both half he acts like it, but at the slightest misunderstanding he starts berating me and telling me things like he hasn't felt loved in months and making me feel like a horrible person, and it always sends me into a panic attack because I'm horrified of conflict. when its over he claims I'm just misinterpreting what he's saying and idk if he's right or not. during our relationship he's slammed on the brakes on the highway during an argument with me, slapped in the face twice, broke two tvs, put multiple holes in the wall, broke my car window, cut his fingers open by slamming a knife down, and more that i have repressed. i suspect he has bpd and that can closely mirror abuse. he needs a stable influence in his life in order to get better and i constantly feel like killing myself because i can't give that to him and i can't live without him. genuinely don't have anyone else who would want to love me and take care of me like he has to. I've vented about him before and got told he was abusive, i think its more complex than that. it's like 60% of the time he's the kindest person but when i get upset he gets pissed at me. I'll tell him i don't understand what's going on and he'll just keep going telling me how its my fault im feeling this way and that I'm ignoring his feelings as if i can just magically decide to be able to think or see clearly and come up with a solution. he's the thing i care most about and i can't just fucking leave him its just not an option, ctb is my only real option at this point but I'm so scared thinking of the things he will say to me if i attempt and fail and the hospital bills and the potential side effects of whatever method i try. everything is just so hard and we can't afford therapy and i keep trying so fucking hard to get a job so that we can but i hear nothing back from anywhere

I relate to the always having anxiety.I have no real advice I was gonna say leave him. But I understand how it would feel impossible to live without him.

Maybe try to find a hobby or passion so your life doesn't revolve around him so much. I have no real advice sorry. I hope the best for you. Also question how did you get a boyfriend? Like how did you guys decide that?

 

[this_is_it]

I relate to the always having anxiety.I have no real advice I was gonna say leave him. But I understand how it would feel impossible to live without him.

Maybe try to find a hobby or passion so your life doesn't revolve around him so much. I have no real advice sorry. I hope the best for you. Also question how did you get a boyfriend? Like how did you guys decide that?

we became close friends in high school and started dating. he's really a great boyfriend as long as he's happy, i feel like im just letting him down and i can't give him the support he needs and if i can't do that i kind of feel like im not worth anything

 

[MiMif]

we became close friends in high school and started dating. he's really a great boyfriend as long as he's happy, i feel like im just letting him down and i can't give him the support he needs and if i can't do that i kind of feel like im not worth anything

A relationship goes both ways...he should be supporting you too it should not just be you supporting him. I would say therapy but you said you can't afford it.

Also sorry for the wierd question I've always wondered how people started dating. Lmao I'm probably staying forever single cause I can't form any meaningful relationships with people and even when I do get asked out I say no.