Venting Using more and more

[Oblivion Access]

Yeah I'm getting high and feeling "okay" but I don't want to feel okay, I want to be out of it, incapacitated. Numbing physical and emotional pain is nice but the loneliness and emptiness of my life stings as bad as ever, perhaps more when I'm not focusing on the usual pain. More than anything I'm dreading having to inevitably quit again when my body can't take more abuse and having sleep, my only reprieve shot again leading back to days of +20hrs spent awake. I fucking despise myself and I don't see it changing. Why must I be like this. What use am I?

 

[Smart No More]

Do you mind me asking, what are you getting high on?

I actually think some recreational drugs can be off therapeutic use but under pretty stringent and strictly withheld parameters. It's a risky old game, self medicating but so is being prescribed by a physician. Though at least with them you have a guaranteed legitimate supply.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I understand you. I fucking hate life.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Do you mind me asking, what are you getting high on?

I actually think some recreational drugs can be off therapeutic use but under pretty stringent and strictly withheld parameters. It's a risky old game, self medicating but so is being prescribed by a physician. Though at least with them you have a guaranteed legitimate supply.

Kratom and Phenibut, they are relatively "subtle" drugs relative to big boy downers like proper opioids and benzos, so I end up taking too much to avoid accidentally feeling something. It's more ill-advised in the long run if I continue than immediately bad unlike some of the stuff I've messed with but I need to cool my jets either way

Phen I really need to chill (haha) with because dependence on that is nasty and anxiety worsening, need to save it for actual occasions sincs it's like a social performance enhancing drug.

Kratom I would take every single day for pain but the stimulant properties/WDs? from short duration have me waking up at nuh-uh hours. Plus I don't think my body likes having to process a dozen or two grams of indigestible fibre, get some gnarly pain in my left side after a month or so daily use.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Wow Phenibut HCl is completely unsuitable for intranasal use because it's caustic, and knowing this I decided to try anyway in hopes of a faster come-up than 2 hours. Ouch. It burns. Was I always this daft or did I become this way?