Users who already took the bus and you appreciated them

[Fehler]

When I get bored, I start to see what people I like are posting, looking at my conversations, one of the users comes up with the classic "deleted member". I don't know if he deleted the account to disconnect a bit or because CTB. Not that we talked a lot but sometimes exchanging a couple of personal messages with someone is enough for me to appreciate them. There are other users with whom I do not speak but I feel identified or I like their post and it becomes hard when they leave.

How do you handle the loss of a member that you considered close?

 

[foxdie]

It's difficult, I feel you on that. I mostly try to focus on what I appreciated about them and when I'm up to it, I read their old post rarely. But mostly you have to move on. We all walk out own paths ultimately. It's never easy and it's always sad. For me at least, I know that sounds somewhat saccharine on a suicide forum.

 

[Ame]

That's the tricky part isn't it? It's impossible to go about life and not end up touching another person - even if you go out of your way trying not to. Your feelings are valid, regardless of how often you've interacted with someone. I think that it is worth saying that there are others here (and perhaps even out there in your offline life) who appreciate you. I don't know if that thought brings your comfort or pain.

When I first signed up, I really resonated with a member. From reading her posts, I thought that the underlying causes that drove us to consider suicide were very similar. Apparently she thought so too because she had reached out to me to express this at one point. In all, we've only really occupied the same virtual space for a couple of weeks. Her goodbye thread was the only one that I have ever replied to on this forum. I remember leaving a message and then immediately unwatching the thread because I could not bear to "see" her go through with it. Perhaps it is terrible, but I did wish that she had failed her attempt. I have only recently read her final posts and I still think about her family from time to time.

To be perfectly honest, I don't really handle it. While I am a highly sensitive person I am usually very much out of touch with my emotions (they're quite scary). There was an exception. There was someone else here who I became very close with. So much so, that we had committed to trying to recover (among other things) together. Neither of us had intended for it to unfold as it did. Little interactions here and there just snowballed and a relationship blossomed. His passing destroyed me. I had not felt anything so intensely in such a long time. Coming back here and seeing that he had been posting here behind my back was a major blow. Despite our relationship, he never left a note (the pandemic made visiting impossible so we had not had the chance to properly enmesh one another into our own offline social circles). I only found out after finding his obituary and I recall throwing my phone down and bashing my face against the door to put out the fire in my head. I failed him to be honest. Maybe I was delusional to think that we could exist beyond our own expiry date.

I came back to tie up some loose ends, but I have no intentions of becoming attached. If I can offer some comfort, then I am happy to do so but my focus is to obtain my ticket and punch it when the bus comes.

 

[WornOutLife]

@virginiawoolf86 (I'm not sure if she passed away but she told me she was going to ctb and never talked to her again.)

@LetzteAusfahrt aka "Dani" (I never talked to him but he was a legend and I really enjoyed reading his posts.)


I feel really sad about them leaving but I knew they would probably do it sooner or later. This happens many times on SS. It's part of it.
There are people who ctb and there are some others who try to move on. I've wanted to ctb for ages but now I'm trying to live. It's all thanks to this community.

If you ever leave, I'll miss you but, let's enjoy these moments while they last.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

You're right. It does leave me with a heavy heart to see 'deleted member' in place of someone who liked and commented on my posts. SS is a place where I can talk about things I'm not able to elsewhere without fear of being judged. Although everyone's circumstances are different, the SS community has become like family to me as we comfort one another. As such I appreciate any input, and sincerely hope that they're in a better place, whatever the choice. It pains me to say this but nothing lasts forever—people come and go. It's hurts, but we must move on.

For my part, seeing others succeed fills me with the determination to end life on my own terms. Here, I confess my jealousy for the dead. Having been brought to the brink many times, I blame myself for not pulling the trigger when I could have. Either the inner child that I tried so hard to smother simply refuses to give up the ghost, or the flames have not gotten close enough for me to take the plunge. The me who loved life is dead and gone. All that's left is a shambling corpse bound to the mortal plane by obligation. It's painful feigning interest when I have none, and so is going to great lengths to placate or appease others. With each passing day, I can't help but feel that I'm merely postponing the inevitable.

 

[Makko]

I started hanging out with Mahakali. We clicked like lego pieces and talked about all kinds of things. Two days into that groove I found myself reading her obituary.

Feels odd but it's not a bad feeling when I chose to see this thing for what it is, rather than for what I would have liked it to be.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I'm about as bad at creating and maintaining relationships on here as I am IRL. So I doubt that anyone would miss me if I killed myself (which seems less likely to happen by the day ), which is great.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

While I did not speak to @ecmnesia in PMs or anything, I read her posts everyday. Her situation was very similar to mine. We are the same age, doing similar degrees, and have a deep seated desire to just run away from the hell world we find ourselves trapped in and go somewhere else, spontaneously start a different life.

Then, she ctb. I couldn't believe she was gone. I am thinking about her often and wondering what would have happened if she'd chosen not to ctb. I guess if you are here you have to learn not to grow too attached, because people frequently leave (not even to ctb in many cases, but they need a break, lose interest, recover, etc)

I also talked to Gromit a bit. He was a real funny and kind bloke. Always put a smile on your face. I knew he was suffering greatly and risked homelessness, so his back was against the wall. It is a shame that so many great people here got fucked over so much by life that this was the outcome for them.

I wish none of you had to suffer.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

The whole deleted member thing is kinda disrespectful in my opinion. It's my belief that the vast majority of users leave to recover, but it's still difficult to lose contact with them. As to how I handle it, I just try to appreciate the time I had with them. It's still rough sometimes and it doesn't get any easier.

 

[Fehler]

The whole deleted member thing is kinda disrespectful in my opinion. It's my belief that the vast majority of users leave to recover, but it's still difficult to lose contact with them. As to how I handle it, I just try to appreciate the time I had with them. It's still rough sometimes and it doesn't get any easier.

I agree, especially if they disappear without saying anything. Although I have had many joys in this forum it can also be depressing (especially when someone leave) at times which will lead them to walk away. I think that especially with the "deleted member xxxxx" thing, it gives me a bit of the impression as if it were a product with a barcode. I prefer the crossed out name x)

 

[WornOutLife]

I agree, especially if they disappear without saying anything. Although I have had many joys in this forum it can also be depressing (especially when someone leave) at times which will lead them to walk away. I think that especially with the "deleted member xxxxx" thing, it gives me a bit of the impression as if it were a product with a barcode. I prefer the crossed out name x)

I agree with you and @Brick In The Wall !
The crossed out names were okay because we knew who that person was even though we didn't know if they had just taken a break from SS or ctb. (Although when they try to ctb, most of them post goodbye threads)

Now, I suddenly get the DELETED_MEMBER_12121 stuff and I'm just like: "Damn, who was this user!!?"

 

[aneurysm]

I doubt that anyone would miss me if I killed myself

I'd.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

I admire the user @NoLifeNoPain . He seems like a creative guy when it comes to methods.

 

[death137]

I admire the user @NoLifeNoPain . He seems like a creative guy when it comes to methods.

He is alive according to this thread https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/where-is-nolifenopain.35133/