dazed_dreamer
at the end of everything, hold on to anything
- Sep 21, 2023
- 67
I wish I could live, but I don't have it in me to build a life for myself. My best efforts are absolutely pitiful. I can't make it to class half the time, my memory is atrocious, I have no real relationships. I can somewhat get away with being flakey in school, but it'll be hopeless once I graduate.
I want to be useful, I want to live, but I just can't. My depression makes me numb and useless half the time, I can barely leave my room. I just take up food and space and time and resources, without any prospects of making up for it one day. For years I've held on with the hope of getting better, thinking one day I could make up for all I waste, building a productive life and relationships where I meant something to people. But it's been so long without any real signs of that being close to a possible reality.
I don't necessarily want to die, but I can't live like this. And what's the point of spending years and years to make life better if I just die one day anyway?
I don't want to upset my family, but at this point they wouldn't be shocked if I died. I'm just a burden to them anyway. They're so kind to me, but it's like walking on eggshells. I can feel the pity behind most of their interactions with me.
I wish I could be strong, strong enough to beat this, inspire others to do the same, to look back on how far I've come and be proud of myself. I've fantasized about this future, and realy truly tried to achieve it. But I'm weak, tired, and I can't do this alone, and despite good intentions, no one really seems to know how to help me.
Maybe this depression is a physical illness that we just don't know how to treat yet. Maybe in 50 years they'll actually be some sort of effective treatment for this. But I can't wait that long. I've already waited 10 years, and wasted 10 years worth of food, water, oxygen, living space, educational resources, clothes, people's time, money, etc. waiting for something to change. I'm done.
Sorry if this is incoherent, it's stream of consciousness, and I'm pretty out of it. I have to go take an exam now, then probably back to rot in my dorm. I haven't cut in 9 months, but I can't stop thinking about slashing my arms.
I want to be useful, I want to live, but I just can't. My depression makes me numb and useless half the time, I can barely leave my room. I just take up food and space and time and resources, without any prospects of making up for it one day. For years I've held on with the hope of getting better, thinking one day I could make up for all I waste, building a productive life and relationships where I meant something to people. But it's been so long without any real signs of that being close to a possible reality.
I don't necessarily want to die, but I can't live like this. And what's the point of spending years and years to make life better if I just die one day anyway?
I don't want to upset my family, but at this point they wouldn't be shocked if I died. I'm just a burden to them anyway. They're so kind to me, but it's like walking on eggshells. I can feel the pity behind most of their interactions with me.
I wish I could be strong, strong enough to beat this, inspire others to do the same, to look back on how far I've come and be proud of myself. I've fantasized about this future, and realy truly tried to achieve it. But I'm weak, tired, and I can't do this alone, and despite good intentions, no one really seems to know how to help me.
Maybe this depression is a physical illness that we just don't know how to treat yet. Maybe in 50 years they'll actually be some sort of effective treatment for this. But I can't wait that long. I've already waited 10 years, and wasted 10 years worth of food, water, oxygen, living space, educational resources, clothes, people's time, money, etc. waiting for something to change. I'm done.
Sorry if this is incoherent, it's stream of consciousness, and I'm pretty out of it. I have to go take an exam now, then probably back to rot in my dorm. I haven't cut in 9 months, but I can't stop thinking about slashing my arms.
