Rainork
What a load of baloney
- Mar 17, 2023
- 89
Honestly, i just need to vent.
I've just had a check on the tablets I have that I'll be ODing on very soon (a big part of why I'm having to wait is so I can aquire enough to ensure success).
On my notes that I have to keep track of my stock amounts/locations- there's still the crossed out note of the bottle that the crisis team took off me previously after I admitted to collecting them. (I'm going to be taking Venlafaxine and they took over 8g's off me).
I'm just pissed off right now because waiting has been horrible, each day stretching on to feel like a prolonged period of misery, and it just clicked that if I hadn't lost that collection, not only would I have had enough to ctb without having to collect more, I would also have enough to ctb by OD alone by now, instead of having to swim out to sea to drown and ensure success.
I think the stress is also increased because 1. I don't like lying and 2. The doctors made it so I can only pick up a weeks prescription at a time.
Why are these important points to my stress? Because I've been staggering the collections to get ~2 weeks extra meds each month. It's been a slow process that has had me stressing out incase the pharmacy would pick up on what I've been doing (spoiler alert, they haven't! But still can't stop stressing incase they do.).
I am now only 2g's off of having what I'd ideally need, and already have enough to almost guarentee black outs to help success on my method.
I dunno, I'm just so done right now. Still debating moving my date forwards a week and hoping I've got enough to get the job done- I should be able to get another weeks of medication tomorrow and will be saying goodbye to my parents on Sunday anyway. But also concerned that if I fuck it up, then I'll have to start collecting all over again and could also face even tougher circumstances to be able to stock pile.
Sorry, just needed to vent.
I've just had a check on the tablets I have that I'll be ODing on very soon (a big part of why I'm having to wait is so I can aquire enough to ensure success).
On my notes that I have to keep track of my stock amounts/locations- there's still the crossed out note of the bottle that the crisis team took off me previously after I admitted to collecting them. (I'm going to be taking Venlafaxine and they took over 8g's off me).
I'm just pissed off right now because waiting has been horrible, each day stretching on to feel like a prolonged period of misery, and it just clicked that if I hadn't lost that collection, not only would I have had enough to ctb without having to collect more, I would also have enough to ctb by OD alone by now, instead of having to swim out to sea to drown and ensure success.
I think the stress is also increased because 1. I don't like lying and 2. The doctors made it so I can only pick up a weeks prescription at a time.
Why are these important points to my stress? Because I've been staggering the collections to get ~2 weeks extra meds each month. It's been a slow process that has had me stressing out incase the pharmacy would pick up on what I've been doing (spoiler alert, they haven't! But still can't stop stressing incase they do.).
I am now only 2g's off of having what I'd ideally need, and already have enough to almost guarentee black outs to help success on my method.
I dunno, I'm just so done right now. Still debating moving my date forwards a week and hoping I've got enough to get the job done- I should be able to get another weeks of medication tomorrow and will be saying goodbye to my parents on Sunday anyway. But also concerned that if I fuck it up, then I'll have to start collecting all over again and could also face even tougher circumstances to be able to stock pile.
Sorry, just needed to vent.
