Urge for revenge + intense hatred. Desire to make someone else suffer for hurting you.

[justwannadip]

I want to preface this by saying none of this is in my control. I don't want to have it, and I've tried everything to rid myself of these urges, including practicing acceptance. This is hard to talk about, partially because its so different than who I feel I am at my core, or who I was when I was younger, but its gotten too much for me to ignore.

With that being said anyone else gotten extremely hateful, resentful or vengeful? For me its to a specific person that hurt me. I'm not just talking about wishing ill, or being really angry. I'm talking when the thoughts and urges won't leave you alone 24/7 and they're so intense that its genuinely painful. I'm talking when it no longer feels like an evil fantasy and its bordering on a plan. If you can't relate to this, thats great, I wish I didn't. You can stop reading the rest. But if you do, read on.

The urges have been getting darker and more painful recently and I feel like I'm genuinely powerless and losing control. I have disorders that don't really let me move on or stop thinking about something (ocd, bpd, depression). There's many more reasons for these urges that would be too long to list. I give people power and validation by being weak and failing to respect myself even when I try my hardest to, especially in relationships. In turn it gives their ego a boost and I'm sure it makes them feel like they "won" in breakups even though I come back to everyone I'm with. The last time I tried my absolute hardest, but still went back out of extremely low self worth and self-hate. I envy people that can control their mind and not have it work against them constantly. I'm tired of being the one that people use to frame their ego, or ridding people of their guilt or regret from hurting me because I don't show myself respect and end up lowering my worth to them. No matter how hard I try, how much therapy I do, how much meditative practice etc. I still failed. I've become extremely angry and bitter, and its largely due to being misunderstood. The person I was with should know that I go back to everyone and that its not because they were special. They also should have been left with their regret and not saved from it. Tired of making people better while I get worse and can't.

I think I've become evil, or maybe I've always had it in me. I've suffered so intensely for so long that my intense self-hatred has begun to shift to the outside. It's to the point where it doesn't even feel like fantasy anymore-like it could develop into a plan. Originally it terrified me, and I was so apalled. But it hasn't gone away and eats me alive every second of the die.

Its not about a lack of awareness to where the feeling comes from, or a failure to confront something. I've gone heavily into psychology, therapy, spirituality (buddhism, meditation), and heavy introspection, and yet I still have this pressing urge to seek revenge or cause suffering to certain people that hurt me and/or that I perceived gained something off of my pain. I've tried to have compassion and empathy for myself but it never lasts and it doesn't quell the pathological urges. At first the urges terrified me, but I've gotten so used to them, and they're so relentless that I can no longer ignore them. I'm feeling those dark thoughts and emotions everyday and its so painful I just want it to stop. But obv my brain won't let up. It's relentless, and its not what I want to feel or do, but I can't stop it. Its genuinely painful—it feels like gallons of kerosene being dumped into the deepest regions of my brain. Although I'm not thinking I'd act out on them, and I haven't genuinely planned anything, I feel like I'm getting there fast. It's like, I didn't think I would actually create a comprehensive plan to ctb when I first entertained the idea of suicide years ago, and now, being genuinely actively suicidal for a long time, I fear those other harmful urges will progress.

If anyone has had dark urges or hatred towards someone (not just thoughts that come and go, everyone has that) but doesn't feel comfortable talking about it here please pm me. I get it, but it feels like you can't talk about this stuff anywhere.

 

[justwannadip]

And I'm too fucking scared to die so the resentment just builds and builds and stays and stays. Every day. Blaming myself, regret, then doing what my brain is screaming at me to do and that I should've done, then regretting that choice, realizing that I made the actual worst choice and that it would've been better before if I didn't listen to my brain, more regret, my mind telling me I'm a fucking idiot how did I think it was a good idea, but realizing that my own fucking brain was the one that kept telling me that I fucked up the first time and to fix it and then blamed me for doing it. I need to fucking kill myself so I can kill my fucking brain. It doesn't let me live. It's a fucking torture machine. It doesn't give a fuck about me. No matter what I do, theres regret. It finds a way. Its my whole perspective, my brain controls my experience, I have no power, I've tried, i've fucking tried so many fucking times. It won't let me live, but its also too pussy to fucking die.

 

[canijo]

I kinda understand you, altough i've not been exactly in the same position.
In my case i've built resentment towards many people, and for a few of them It turned to hatred. I tried to get away, cut all my links, and literally moved to another province.

It didnt help per-sé, my mind would constantly wander to the situations that caused my pain, and i would find myself throwing punches to the air completely rilled up just randomly. Anything remotely similar to any of those experiences would just trigger me. I would imagine constantly what should i've done or said, or what id do if i bumped into them.

Therapy didnt really help, but i think that actual "revenge" wouldnt either. The problem was me. Even if i dont think i deserved what happened, Its still my problem i cant deal with It. IMHO the only solution is completely new experiences. Like new work, new friends, or whatever new. And that It succeds. In my case i tried both, and i was actually in such a bad state mentally that It didnt really work, and being in a bad place got me stuck on the same mental place, so i would just get stuck in loops.

But i still think that the only real way to move on, and be able to live with those kind of feelings is to actually find a way to replace your rutine with new things that are not related and wont trigger u as much, so in the long term they just become memories. The bad thing is that that is hard as fuck and even if you put all your will into it, It does not guarantee any success. But well, life's a bitch.

Id like to have better advice, but i dont , i hope you can find something to help you move away from the hate loop