wildflowercloud
Member
- Jun 6, 2023
- 55
Heya, a friendly DID system here with an update.
We have reached the point of knowing at a deep soul-level that suicide is what we want, need, are committed to carrying out to the very end, and are READY.
When that happened, we were continuing with the plan of cutting, with the intention of waiting for the right time to go through with it that felt right for all of us.
Now, we have reached a level of hopelessness that we didn't think was possible with how we were already feeling. With that, we no longer care about the specific method we use as long as it gets it done, and we have multiple methods that we can go through with at any given time because we have prepared for multiple methods over the past how ever many months. Our thought process is that as a DID system, it's hard to get everyone to agree on one method, so having multiple ready to go is helpful because once we decide that it's the right time as much as we can, we'll have multiple options available to us.
We have cutting, hanging, overdosing, and train.
Cutting we have sorted with everything we need and want for this method, there's just a decision about whether to do it in the house or outside somewhere secluded.
Hanging we have prepared for and found a place with tree coverage and also fairly easy access for paramedics.
Overdosing we have a stockpile of many different medications.
We know that the train one is a difficult one because of how it will affect the driver and anyone else around, and the last thing we want is to cause anyone trauma. It's just very hard with the overwhelming hopelessness and multiple life time's worth of trauma that we're desperate to be free from, and when it seems like a pretty reliable method and easy access, but we know it's still horrific for the people involved, so we're ambivalent about this one at the moment.
What happened today is to do with the train. We went out for therapy, and afterwards went straight to the train station, got on the train to the stop that we are familiar with and know that trains go by fast when they're not due to stop there, and we sat down on the platform close-ish to the edge and further away from the main station, and waited for the next train to zoom past to get a feel for what it would be like, but oh my fuck. As that train was coming, we IMMEDIATELY felt immense desperation to do it but also huge panic followed that because that wasn't the plan to go through with it today, but with our dissociative disorder whoever is fronting can be hugely affected by another alter's wants and needs or we could've had a full switch and whoever was fronting wouldn't be in control anymore. So with me fronting at the time, it took EVERYTHING in me to fight MANY alter's desperation and huge urges, it felt like I was about to lose control and I had to fight so hard to hold us back, but that doesn't describe the weight of how it felt. Imagine a group of people pushing you from behind towards the railway line and you have to dig your feet into the ground and fight with all you have to stay back until the train has passed. It was so fucking intense.
The knowing that it's so much harder to stay alive than it is to die by suicide is insane. We are running off adrenaline right now, and don't really know what to do with ourselves, but we're not put off by this experience. If anything it's increased our suicidality because we know how easy it would potentially be once we're prepared.
Anyway, we're safe and at home now and have taken some of our prescribed medication to calm us down.
We are feeling reckless with our life at the moment, like nothing we've experienced before with this level of desperation, we just don't care about anything other than our suicide, but our trauma is ravaging us every day, and we need to be gone. Enough is enough.
We will try to keep you guys updated about our plans, as we're not often impulsive but after today that was a close call that we didn't expect, but we do have the intention of it being more planned and prepared for so will try to keep you guys in the loop.
Thank you guys for reading, we appreciate you guys
We have reached the point of knowing at a deep soul-level that suicide is what we want, need, are committed to carrying out to the very end, and are READY.
When that happened, we were continuing with the plan of cutting, with the intention of waiting for the right time to go through with it that felt right for all of us.
Now, we have reached a level of hopelessness that we didn't think was possible with how we were already feeling. With that, we no longer care about the specific method we use as long as it gets it done, and we have multiple methods that we can go through with at any given time because we have prepared for multiple methods over the past how ever many months. Our thought process is that as a DID system, it's hard to get everyone to agree on one method, so having multiple ready to go is helpful because once we decide that it's the right time as much as we can, we'll have multiple options available to us.
We have cutting, hanging, overdosing, and train.
Cutting we have sorted with everything we need and want for this method, there's just a decision about whether to do it in the house or outside somewhere secluded.
Hanging we have prepared for and found a place with tree coverage and also fairly easy access for paramedics.
Overdosing we have a stockpile of many different medications.
We know that the train one is a difficult one because of how it will affect the driver and anyone else around, and the last thing we want is to cause anyone trauma. It's just very hard with the overwhelming hopelessness and multiple life time's worth of trauma that we're desperate to be free from, and when it seems like a pretty reliable method and easy access, but we know it's still horrific for the people involved, so we're ambivalent about this one at the moment.
What happened today is to do with the train. We went out for therapy, and afterwards went straight to the train station, got on the train to the stop that we are familiar with and know that trains go by fast when they're not due to stop there, and we sat down on the platform close-ish to the edge and further away from the main station, and waited for the next train to zoom past to get a feel for what it would be like, but oh my fuck. As that train was coming, we IMMEDIATELY felt immense desperation to do it but also huge panic followed that because that wasn't the plan to go through with it today, but with our dissociative disorder whoever is fronting can be hugely affected by another alter's wants and needs or we could've had a full switch and whoever was fronting wouldn't be in control anymore. So with me fronting at the time, it took EVERYTHING in me to fight MANY alter's desperation and huge urges, it felt like I was about to lose control and I had to fight so hard to hold us back, but that doesn't describe the weight of how it felt. Imagine a group of people pushing you from behind towards the railway line and you have to dig your feet into the ground and fight with all you have to stay back until the train has passed. It was so fucking intense.
The knowing that it's so much harder to stay alive than it is to die by suicide is insane. We are running off adrenaline right now, and don't really know what to do with ourselves, but we're not put off by this experience. If anything it's increased our suicidality because we know how easy it would potentially be once we're prepared.
Anyway, we're safe and at home now and have taken some of our prescribed medication to calm us down.
We are feeling reckless with our life at the moment, like nothing we've experienced before with this level of desperation, we just don't care about anything other than our suicide, but our trauma is ravaging us every day, and we need to be gone. Enough is enough.
We will try to keep you guys updated about our plans, as we're not often impulsive but after today that was a close call that we didn't expect, but we do have the intention of it being more planned and prepared for so will try to keep you guys in the loop.
Thank you guys for reading, we appreciate you guys
