Venting Update to 988 situation.

[dead lightbulb]

No one around me thought I was at risk of killing myself yesterday so I was left alone. My dad got home an hour ago and since then has been telling me to get ready so that him my siblings and I can go to an outing with some senator or something important like that. This whole morning he spent his time bitching about it telling me "how could you forget" and just acting stressed out. My attendance to the event isn't mandatory, he mainly wanted me to come along so he could show off his twin daughters to someone.

If the police hadn't come yesterday after I contacted 988 then I would've gone along begrudgingly because I dont want to risk being yelled at. But I'm not now. I would love to kill myself while my "family" is out spitefully because of the way they've treated me. Not taking me seriously and treating me like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Oh you're suicidal? It's just a rebillious phase you cultivated because you're lazy and you hate ME. I'M so stressed out. God I'M not even yelling at you despite what you did yesterday. What do I need to do to help you? You're being sooooo difficult. I'M already tired and now I have to deal with you.

If I just killed myself I would be free finally. I wouldn't care about anything or anyone. Nothing would matter. And I could throw a final big middle finger at my "family" for treating me like shit. Like.... leaving me alone to go out after finding out I'm suicidal? Seriously? I know you hate me but you're basically begging me to do it. I have an imaginary expectation that someone will come out of the woodworks to help me and soothe me treat me with some kindness. I keep thinking this'll happen but time and time again the universe pulls a jinx card on me.

I really fucked up yesterday. The police coming to my house wasn't supposed to happen. Now I would have to get evaluated tomorrow. Worst thing is no one cares. I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay. And I just want one person to treat me like a human being worthy of value and empathy. Is it because I'm ugly? Or awkwardly quiet? Why have I gone my whole life being treated this way. Everyone I come into contact with acts like I have the cheese touch. Even the police officers from yesterday seemed to be laughing at me in their heads. For so long everyone has perceived me as some sort of goblin creature.

Wouldn't it be funny if I just killed myself today? After everything? It feels like I have to be very physically disabled or have a terminal illness to be taken seriously. But it makes the most sense to kill myself right now. I already have nothing to live for and I'm at a new low. No friends, family, financial status, grades, goals, absolutely zilch. My life keeps getting predictably worse. I've only been alive for this long because

A.) I'm in a standstill with my SI
and B.) I'm not in a situation where it's urgent to kill myself which makes me lucky. I go to bed on a soft mattress each night. I have food in my kitchen. I go to a good school. A lot of bad things happen to me, but nothing bad enough that I cut myself or am in a hurry to hang myself. I have a method a plan. Don't get me wrong, my life is absolute shit. But I'm in a sort of purgatory where if I just died I'd cross over into heaven but hell is all I've known and crossing over is painful. If any of that bs makes sense.

I digress, this is just a petty fantasy of mine, I don't really want to kill myself after having a bad altercation with anyone because of it's implications. But you know..... it does satisfy my suicidal mind to think of....

 

[Butterfly Moon]

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry your family has a casual attitude about it. I read some of your old posts and you had a attempt recently right? That along with you texting 988 should be a giant red flag to them. I have children your age so I can only look at it from your dads perspective. I'm not understanding why his approach is thinking of this as almost a phase. It's irresponsible of him.

You mention a lot about your privileged life, does that get thrown in your face a lot? Like "you shouldn't be depressed, you have everything you want"

You deserve better honey. Sending a big mom hug to you

 

[dead lightbulb]

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry your family has a casual attitude about it. I read some of your old posts and you had a attempt recently right? That along with you texting 988 should be a giant red flag to them. I have children your age so I can only look at it from your dads perspective. I'm not understanding why his approach is thinking of this as almost a phase. It's irresponsible of him.

You mention a lot about your privileged life, does that get thrown in your face a lot? Like "you shouldn't be depressed, you have everything you want"

You deserve better honey. Sending a big mom hug to you

No one has outright said it to me but I know that's how they all feel. My father and my siblings specifically. I don't have anyone else around to judge me 24/7 besides them.

I live in the suburbs. Life isn't perfect but it's definitely good enough for me to succeed. I have so many options and opportunities.

At school I am critizied for the endless missing assignments I have by teachers.

Thing is I have no reason to not do them. If I just put my mind to it and cared enough I could get them done. Willingly sabotaging the academic career I've spent years building is a privilege someone as idiotic as me has. I know if I just get them done that part of my life won't be as stressful as I've made it. It's so easy to be rational about it yet so hard to actually go through with it. I'm burnt out, I might have undiagnosed depression, and wanting to feel like nothing in life matters while being forced to partake in life is a whole
paradox.

I know they all think I'm stupid and lazy and a waste of their time. Whenever a test I've failed is handed back to me and a teacher just gives me a look as if I'm a trouble student. It's like I'm constantly being invalidated by everyone around me. And from their perspective I understand why. I'm not close to any of them and I don't interest them in any way, so they have no reason to initiate a mental health campaign for me.

Thank you for reaching out to me!

 

[FuneralCry]

In this life other people can easily just make things worse by invalidating the suffering that we go through. People can certainly be insensitive and of course this often comes from a lack of understanding. If they were in the same situation then they would not be saying those things. I do know that it can be tiring staying here when you feel as though there is nothing here for you in this world. Existing can certainly be depressing, but I wish you the best.