Story Update on me.

[Anxieyote]

After my stint in rehab, I was given so many reassurances by the counselors there that after leaving the facility there would be a new beginning for me. They said as long as I stuck with the outpatient programs and the Oxford House community, it would be smooth sailing.

Well, I got kicked out of my Oxford house for having a Xanax prescription that I neglected to tell them about. And since then, after completing outpatient, things returned to chaos for me.

I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, Mom and Dad floated me financially. My rent is income-based so it was only 100USD at the house I was staying in. But even though I made it known that living alone would cause me to relapse again, no one in my family offered to let me stay with them. The income-based housing was kind of a curse in this regard, because it does not transfer to other housing—it is just those specific units. So in an effort to keep me independent, family urged me to stay. And eventually, I was forced to stay because acquiring housing elsewhere wouldn't be possible without a job or steady income.

And sure enough, I relapsed harder than ever before. I hate this tiny sardine can of an apartment and I often feel like I have to drink just to take my mind off the fact that I have been stagnating here for multiple years. It is painful and it hurts to know I never left my small town that I grew up in as a kid.

I thought that getting on disability income would help me relocate, but it isn't enough without having a job to go with it. And while I am relapsing as hard as I am, I question whether or not I can even hold down a job. And then there is the biggest elephant in the room which is that I just want to die and I have for a very long time. I don't have to "start over" I don't have to try anymore if I just end my life now. And I have plenty of SN in order to take care of that.

But even more recently, I discovered I was trans which has surprisingly given me a modicum of hope. Expressing myself as a girl feels so much more natural and comfortable, and I don't feel like I have to operate under any pretenses of masculinity or "toughness" anymore. I've always been as light as a feather, and gentle as a dove. There was no masculinity there, which is perfectly fine with me.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

After my stint in rehab, I was given so many reassurances by the counselors there that after leaving the facility there would be a new beginning for me. They said as long as I stuck with the outpatient programs and the Oxford House community, it would be smooth sailing.

I got that sales pitch, too, before I went to my first OH (west coast).

Well, I got kicked out of my Oxford house for having a Xanax prescription that I neglected to tell them about. And since then, after completing outpatient, things returned to chaos for me.

I got in a fight with one of the other women there and left before they could have a house meeting (the other woman did get kicked out)

I was unemployed for about a year, and during that time, Mom and Dad floated me financially. My rent is income-based so it was only 100USD at the house I was staying in. But even though I made it known that living alone would cause me to relapse again, no one in my family offered to let me stay with them. The income-based housing was kind of a curse in this regard, because it does not transfer to other housing—it is just those specific units. So in an effort to keep me independent, family urged me to stay. And eventually, I was forced to stay because acquiring housing elsewhere wouldn't be possible without a job or steady income.

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices - any interaction with family is always hard for me

And sure enough, I relapsed harder than ever before. I hate this tiny sardine can of an apartment and I often feel like I have to drink just to take my mind off the fact that I have been stagnating here for multiple years. It is painful and it hurts to know I never left my small town that I grew up in as a kid.

... I had the same experience; relapse after an incident with family.

I thought that getting on disability income would help me relocate, but it isn't enough without having a job to go with it. And while I am relapsing as hard as I am, I question whether or not I can even hold down a job. And then there is the biggest elephant in the room which is that I just want to die and I have for a very long time. I don't have to "start over" I don't have to try anymore if I just end my life now. And I have plenty of SN in order to take care of that.

The hard question is would continuing be more difficult than ending it.

But even more recently, I discovered I was trans which has surprisingly given me a modicum of hope. Expressing myself as a girl feels so much more natural and comfortable, and I don't feel like I have to operate under any pretenses of masculinity or "toughness" anymore. I've always been as light as a feather, and gentle as a dove. There was no masculinity there, which is perfectly fine with me.

Welcome to the club. One of the reasons I fell in love with SaSu is the fact that my first 24 hours here was post after post by other people, telling my story, expressing my emotions, even finding my solutions in their posts. I hope you feel the same way, and I'm glad you're getting a clearer picture of who you are and what you want to do.
You are loved here, and welcome. Thank you for sharing so honestly.