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wherearewenow

Member
Nov 23, 2023
40
hey!! i posted last night asking about some criticism for some lyrics i'm writing but since then i've rewritten a section :p

this is a song called "olive", i started writing it a little over 4 years ago but it's still far from being done 😭😭 i'm happy with the instrumental i'm just struggling with the lyrics now lolsies

here's a 5 month old demo with "old" lyrics:

here are the new lyrics im considering:



where are we now?
can i find my own way?
unknown surrounds
what once was home will decay
gray fog enshrouds
blot out light from the day
searching, unfound
what is in the haze?

(i'm cutting the second verse)

hear the seconds ticking by
into minutes, hours
knowing i won't blossom, in this world so dour
oh, and as the days turn into weeks
time flies fast past me
i can't run, i'm weak, where are we?

where have we gone?
things feel different here
past homes were fraught
but now nothing seems clear
who have i been?
who am i destined to be?
when's will i know
the ones who've called themselves me?

watch the moments drain away
to eternity
fleeting warmth, decay perpetually
oh, and as the flame begins to wain
flickering in my eye
in the glow is there something to find?
oh, and as the light once bright will fade
leaving darkened sky
i can't see a star, but ill still try

oh, with shadows surrounding
i'm lost in the words deepest meaning
oh, but still
the melodies ring true
in all the sounds i still can hear you
(hear you, hear you)

(instrumental)

where will you be?
where am i meant to go?
could we still see
what once flickered in that glow?
caught in a wind
begging for it to slow
you're someone i've been
but are you someone i know?

is it true?
is all the sky dark blue?
is that something that i always knew?
or is there something i've not yet seen?
could i ever see an olive green?
all i ask is knowing where we are
even if you answer paths surrounding are still dark
i don't know if you're near or still far
can't you find it in your heart to tell me?
where are we now?


please give any and all criticism!!! i need as much feedback as i can get :)
if i were to CTB i'm sorta planning on this and a few other songs bundled as an album to be sort of my final "mark" left on the world so i need it to be as perfect as possible :) thank you!!!
 
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eatantz

eatantz

I luv dolls
Nov 4, 2023
554
Holy shit that was breath-taking!!! sorry i honestly have no criticisms I'm just blown away at your skill, like actual chills this is brilliant
 
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wherearewenow

Member
Nov 23, 2023
40
Holy shit that was breath-taking!!! sorry i honestly have no criticisms I'm just blown away at your skill, like actual chills this is brilliant
thank you so so much!!!! :D i'm so glad you liked it!!!!! is there any part that sticks out as even just not quite as good as the rest? :p
 
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eatantz

eatantz

I luv dolls
Nov 4, 2023
554
thank you so so much!!!! :D i'm so glad you liked it!!!!! is there any part that sticks out as even just not quite as good as the rest? :p
I'm so sorry, i read all the lyrics and they sound perfect to me. I wish i could be more helpful;-;
 
houseofleaves

houseofleaves

and this with thee remains.
Jan 14, 2022
551
Loved it. What is your main musical instrument?
 
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wherearewenow

Member
Nov 23, 2023
40
I'm so sorry, i read all the lyrics and they sound perfect to me. I wish i could be more helpful;-;
thank you so so much!!! :D lmk if you have any criticisms/feedback you can think of later lolsies
Loved it. What is your main musical instrument?
tank you sm!!! i mostly play piano (self taught) and sing, but i'm also self taught on guitar and i arrange for orchestra. i'm definitely way better at the instrumental stuff than lyrics lol
 
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