Venting Update (Almost 1 year) Bad & "Good"

[DedCircut303]

Ok, I'm just going to post an update since it's almost been a year since I was last on here. Reading through my other updates, it was stressful reading about how bad things were for me then; that head space- the thoughts, feelings, and CTB desires. Since then, for the most part of the beginning of 2025, I was still pretty depressed and suicidal feeling. On the very last day of April, I went to a parking garage and sat on the ledge wanting to jump off. For whatever reason, I called 988 and they sent people to get me (first taken to a hospital with an emergency psych unit, then transferred) and then I got sent to a mental hospital. I was there about 7 days and it went about as well as it could go when there for that reason. I think the worst part about that (looking back) was when I called my mom to tell her that I had been taken to the emergency hospital. I hate that I put her through that, but at the time, I didn't care about anything. Once I was released, even though my medicine was changed, I still felt depressed and suicidal. Mainly I was just sad and miserable and was taking things out on people around me. After summer vacation (and the entire time having the worst attitude), my family and I were going downtown to have drinks at a hotel, but the only parking around was at a parking garage. I had a panic attack and I have not gone to a parking garage since (although, my therapist wants me to get over that fear, but I was like "No, I'll keep it as is because it's a good deterrent"). Around that time, I also stopped watching certain videos that made me feel comforted and fine about suicide (that doesn't make sense, but that's what it felt like then). I eventually started trying to eat healthier (last year, in about 2 months I went from 135lbs to 175lbs) and was able to get my diet and weight in "control" again (down to 145lbs now). Although, after the panic attack, it screwed with my brain or something cause I stopped eating well, but I'm trying to get back on track again. My med prescriber put me on the mood stabilizer Lamotrigine, and surprisingly since then, I've been feeling pretty good. I thought it was a temporary thing (honestly, it still might be?) but it's been about 2 months and I've consistently felt about the same. It's not the shitty feeling that it use to be, it's just like a "good/medium" feeling, but it's nice. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty fucking terrified that it's going to stop and things will get just as bad as they were last year around this time, but right now, it's pretty ok. I graduated phlebotomy school, and took the national exam. I absolutely didn't think I would pass it, but I managed to get a passing score. Now I'm looking for a job, and I really hope I get hired soon because health insurance runs out in January, and that's freaking me out because what if I don't get new HI and then I won't be able to have medicine. This is a really long post, but I just wanted to give an update for this year. Hopefully, I won't be back until next year, but nothing is guaranteed. Everything could come crumbling down faster than things getting better. Please, please, let this stay like this for a while. Please. I don't think I can handle it if things go back to how they were. And I'm absolutely terrified of that. Please...
**also Lady is doing fine, she's just sleeping, playing and being adorable, and I'm so grateful that I was able to adopt her. She's been such a sweet cat, and I never expected her to comfort me through all the shitty days, but she was always there. Thank you for letting me find you.

 

[Dr.Duck]

I'm glad you're getting better. Hope you make it out of this place better than some. And give your little kitty some rubs for me.