quietpill
I get so jealous of euthanized dogs.
- Nov 27, 2024
- 53
This I fear may be a strange post, hopefully less embarrassing than what I deleted the other night.
This is a post about sexual development from a young age. I was mildly molested only once as a child, but my unusual sexual development began several years before than when I was about 5.
I discovered sex when I was 5 through a BDSM magazine belonging to my grandfather. He was not blood related to me and despite being despicable to my aunts and mother growing up he was never untoward to me. I was obsessed with this magazine, I made excuses to my grandmother about wanting to watch TV in her bedroom purely because I knew where the magazine was hidden and I wanted to peruse the pictures over and over again. When this was discovered I was punished awarded corporal punishment and grounded. This did not stop me from enacting scenarios with a fellow child who was under our negligent babysitter. It wasn't too extreme, at least nothing that kept me from being sent back. But this could easily be the sin of a small town you could drive through in ten minutes. I have no memories of being punished for this offense either.
When I went on to live with my mother in a larger city, it warped. She worked late, and I opted to stay late with my middle school English teacher after school, she was fond of me. Going so far as to buy me earbuds to listen to music during reading hours and cite to my mother I should be in the gifted program with my brother, not that I ever was. Instead I stayed several hours after school, helping her prepare for assignments, decorations, etc. But, more often than any of those, I got to use the school laptops. I discovered the online chatrooms that bypassed their firewalls. Namely, in my case, the adult chat rooms.
This is where the true soul warping content began, as I'm sure most can imagine. It folded everything into the content. It didn't matter that I was 10 or 11. I must say, I purposely sought out adult chatrooms and advertised despicable acts and accepted them in turn. Men who wanted to feed me to animals in one sense or another that I adored pleasing. Others I was dominant over, expelling my hurt, rage, and hate over as a dominatrix as a child. Especially as I was bullied in the outside by other children for existing outside the norm. From there it escalated to me searching our pornographic content, not too unusual for growing people, except I looked for gore porn, and even worse than that. It truly warped all my relationships. I was too violent or I was too passive and scared for my adolescent boyfriends. Before I realized the only way to avoid scrutiny and contempt was to keep my head down and remember that I couldn't relate to them. There was never going to be a normal human experience for myself, and no one would be able to enjoy me as a normal human. You were either the feed or the feeder, and it was best to keep your head down and remember normal, genuine human interaction was beyond you.
This is a sentiment that infects me even now. My lack of ability to socialize and interact normally is a deficit both internally and externally inflicted and one I do not know if I will ever be able to overcome.
The discussion I'm interested in is that of whether others have seen unusual sexual development that isn't as insidious as direct rape and assault, I think. I mean, I was mildly molested in a superficial sense that involved no direct penetration and, personally, pales in comparison to my personal interests as a child that have warped my mentality. OR, in a sense, felt per-ordained. Today it feels difficult to even stand physical touch, to "get off" in a sense without deplorable thoughts and ideas, etc. It feels like I can only substantiate a partner with desires for pain, but I crave a certain sort of kind mutilation and sensuality that is far out of reach. Which extends to a sense of romantic entanglement, knowing that I am unable to feel and reach in the ways normal experience expects, or desires "further" as I expect the worst of anything.
Due to my general detachment to any sort of relationship, I've hardly had any contact as an adult. I have feigned normalcy and cherished it even, but its always lead to disappointment with both vanilla and BDSM oritented partners as I struggle "engage" fully in either sense.
Have you experienced similar derailments compared to the traditional development? Do you cope or not cope similar to myself? Is it better or worse to be untouchable?
This is a post about sexual development from a young age. I was mildly molested only once as a child, but my unusual sexual development began several years before than when I was about 5.
I discovered sex when I was 5 through a BDSM magazine belonging to my grandfather. He was not blood related to me and despite being despicable to my aunts and mother growing up he was never untoward to me. I was obsessed with this magazine, I made excuses to my grandmother about wanting to watch TV in her bedroom purely because I knew where the magazine was hidden and I wanted to peruse the pictures over and over again. When this was discovered I was punished awarded corporal punishment and grounded. This did not stop me from enacting scenarios with a fellow child who was under our negligent babysitter. It wasn't too extreme, at least nothing that kept me from being sent back. But this could easily be the sin of a small town you could drive through in ten minutes. I have no memories of being punished for this offense either.
When I went on to live with my mother in a larger city, it warped. She worked late, and I opted to stay late with my middle school English teacher after school, she was fond of me. Going so far as to buy me earbuds to listen to music during reading hours and cite to my mother I should be in the gifted program with my brother, not that I ever was. Instead I stayed several hours after school, helping her prepare for assignments, decorations, etc. But, more often than any of those, I got to use the school laptops. I discovered the online chatrooms that bypassed their firewalls. Namely, in my case, the adult chat rooms.
This is where the true soul warping content began, as I'm sure most can imagine. It folded everything into the content. It didn't matter that I was 10 or 11. I must say, I purposely sought out adult chatrooms and advertised despicable acts and accepted them in turn. Men who wanted to feed me to animals in one sense or another that I adored pleasing. Others I was dominant over, expelling my hurt, rage, and hate over as a dominatrix as a child. Especially as I was bullied in the outside by other children for existing outside the norm. From there it escalated to me searching our pornographic content, not too unusual for growing people, except I looked for gore porn, and even worse than that. It truly warped all my relationships. I was too violent or I was too passive and scared for my adolescent boyfriends. Before I realized the only way to avoid scrutiny and contempt was to keep my head down and remember that I couldn't relate to them. There was never going to be a normal human experience for myself, and no one would be able to enjoy me as a normal human. You were either the feed or the feeder, and it was best to keep your head down and remember normal, genuine human interaction was beyond you.
This is a sentiment that infects me even now. My lack of ability to socialize and interact normally is a deficit both internally and externally inflicted and one I do not know if I will ever be able to overcome.
The discussion I'm interested in is that of whether others have seen unusual sexual development that isn't as insidious as direct rape and assault, I think. I mean, I was mildly molested in a superficial sense that involved no direct penetration and, personally, pales in comparison to my personal interests as a child that have warped my mentality. OR, in a sense, felt per-ordained. Today it feels difficult to even stand physical touch, to "get off" in a sense without deplorable thoughts and ideas, etc. It feels like I can only substantiate a partner with desires for pain, but I crave a certain sort of kind mutilation and sensuality that is far out of reach. Which extends to a sense of romantic entanglement, knowing that I am unable to feel and reach in the ways normal experience expects, or desires "further" as I expect the worst of anything.
Due to my general detachment to any sort of relationship, I've hardly had any contact as an adult. I have feigned normalcy and cherished it even, but its always lead to disappointment with both vanilla and BDSM oritented partners as I struggle "engage" fully in either sense.
Have you experienced similar derailments compared to the traditional development? Do you cope or not cope similar to myself? Is it better or worse to be untouchable?
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