I'd like to start off by saying I don't want to catch the bus--not actively, at least. I did, but I tried not to think about it too much. I kept trying to see the positive side of things.
I come from a third-world country, and didn't focus on my education that much because I was (is) a dumbass and didn't think my life through. My parents also didn't expect a lot from me, but I don't blame them. I saw life through rose-tinted glasses, my parents shielded from me the complexities of life, or rather, they also weren't aware of it. We were financially okay, so perhaps that's why they didn't think much of it as well. If push comes to shove, I thought I'd be able to afford to go to school abroad and continue from there.
My mother did much of the hard work to shield these issues from me. The troublemaker was apparently my father. At some point he spent a lot of money on his mistress and her kids and due to further financial mismanagement, we lost quite a lot. I used to blame him a lot for our situation, but I've come to admit that I'm the only one to blame here. Had I been serious about my studies, this wouldn't be a major issue. I'd be able to sign up for scholarships, study abroad, get a stable job, improve our quality of life from there on. Alas, I went for a diploma in a subject that I'm "passionate" about, or was. By the time I found out about his infidelity and the whole ordeal, it was too late to change my major, and I was nearing graduation. I didn't think much of it until I actually entered the workforce, and experienced myself how shitty the jobs were for the subject of my choosing (art jobs, in a third-world country, clever choice!)
"Okay," I thought. "This is still doable." I found out about seafaring and cabin crew jobs and saw that their salary was pretty solid. I thought I'd use it as a stepping stone to fund my studies. I applied and went to countless cabin crew open days, which took about 3 years, and every single time I was rejected. I fit all their criteria: height, primary education, job experience, etc. yet I couldn't even make it past the first stage. I really felt the cold grasp of depression at this point, but I was stupidly unaware of its effects on my cognitive ability.
I tried to move on. I thankfully, successfully transitioned to another career. I tried not to think about it too much, about my future, about what's at stake. Then COVID came and the seafaring and cabin crew jobs disappeared (or, rapidly reduced to such a limited amount that only exceptional candidates from non-third-world countries can stand a chance). So did other career possibilities that I've looked into that would allow for relocation with my work experience and education.
This is fine. Like that meme with the dog calmly sitting in a burning room. I began to research about countries with accessible education, and saw that Germany offers free higher education. Sweet! Perhaps I can try to--ah, apparently I need to go through Studienkolleg because my school-leaving certificate doesn't qualify for an Abitur. That also requires fluency in German which I do not have. A-levels are apparently out of the question because it takes 2 years for one to prepare for it, and while I can put in my time, I do not have the funds to hire a tutor, which I clearly need because at this point I've been out of school for... nearly a decade now and, as I said earlier, I didn't really focus on my primary education.
So, here I am, nearing 25. My objective in life is to improve the quality of life for my mom, because she's done the most, has endured the most. She's also my closest friend. (Long story short: I was bullied by my schoolmates and teachers. Before I knew of my father's infidelity I was also close to him. So, bad social skills and trust issues, woot.) She's my support circle. I haven't told this to anyone, except any of you reading this now. I told her not long ago that I wanted to catch the bus, and she had replied that if I were to do so, she wouldn't be able to leave her husband because he's the only other person who would understand her grief.
That is why I don't actively want to catch the bus, but like the title of this post, I don't know how to proceed. I've thought of every possible way to escape this country, to actually make progress towards my objective (yes, even the thought of marrying someone for their VISA has crossed my mind; alas, I'm ace and have given up on finding love). I'm still trying, but I'm not seeing any progress.
I know I should be grateful that I at least still have a job during this uncertain time (even though my boss treats us like shit; honestly, it's another long story). I can still provide for my family, and I am grateful, really, but there's the issue with time. Say I focus on my career progression in this country, try to find a better job, then proceed from that route; other than the standard qualification of a Bachelor's, this country is still pretty ageist (they would explicitly state that they only accept candidates below a certain age, and that age may or may not be 30). I'm not getting any younger, neither does my mother, and I hate the thought of disappointing her more than I already have. Thus I either catch the bus, which would trap her in a life of misery, or I don't and I continue navigating this hellhole, all the while losing every last bit of my sanity.
Didn't proofread this whole text because I'm too tired of... everything to be absolutely honest so TL;DR: Born in a third-world country. Didn't care about primary education. Not sure how to improve quality of life from career perspective. Can't really catch the bus because it would worsen the situation of the only person that matters in my life.
I come from a third-world country, and didn't focus on my education that much because I was (is) a dumbass and didn't think my life through. My parents also didn't expect a lot from me, but I don't blame them. I saw life through rose-tinted glasses, my parents shielded from me the complexities of life, or rather, they also weren't aware of it. We were financially okay, so perhaps that's why they didn't think much of it as well. If push comes to shove, I thought I'd be able to afford to go to school abroad and continue from there.
My mother did much of the hard work to shield these issues from me. The troublemaker was apparently my father. At some point he spent a lot of money on his mistress and her kids and due to further financial mismanagement, we lost quite a lot. I used to blame him a lot for our situation, but I've come to admit that I'm the only one to blame here. Had I been serious about my studies, this wouldn't be a major issue. I'd be able to sign up for scholarships, study abroad, get a stable job, improve our quality of life from there on. Alas, I went for a diploma in a subject that I'm "passionate" about, or was. By the time I found out about his infidelity and the whole ordeal, it was too late to change my major, and I was nearing graduation. I didn't think much of it until I actually entered the workforce, and experienced myself how shitty the jobs were for the subject of my choosing (art jobs, in a third-world country, clever choice!)
"Okay," I thought. "This is still doable." I found out about seafaring and cabin crew jobs and saw that their salary was pretty solid. I thought I'd use it as a stepping stone to fund my studies. I applied and went to countless cabin crew open days, which took about 3 years, and every single time I was rejected. I fit all their criteria: height, primary education, job experience, etc. yet I couldn't even make it past the first stage. I really felt the cold grasp of depression at this point, but I was stupidly unaware of its effects on my cognitive ability.
I tried to move on. I thankfully, successfully transitioned to another career. I tried not to think about it too much, about my future, about what's at stake. Then COVID came and the seafaring and cabin crew jobs disappeared (or, rapidly reduced to such a limited amount that only exceptional candidates from non-third-world countries can stand a chance). So did other career possibilities that I've looked into that would allow for relocation with my work experience and education.
This is fine. Like that meme with the dog calmly sitting in a burning room. I began to research about countries with accessible education, and saw that Germany offers free higher education. Sweet! Perhaps I can try to--ah, apparently I need to go through Studienkolleg because my school-leaving certificate doesn't qualify for an Abitur. That also requires fluency in German which I do not have. A-levels are apparently out of the question because it takes 2 years for one to prepare for it, and while I can put in my time, I do not have the funds to hire a tutor, which I clearly need because at this point I've been out of school for... nearly a decade now and, as I said earlier, I didn't really focus on my primary education.
So, here I am, nearing 25. My objective in life is to improve the quality of life for my mom, because she's done the most, has endured the most. She's also my closest friend. (Long story short: I was bullied by my schoolmates and teachers. Before I knew of my father's infidelity I was also close to him. So, bad social skills and trust issues, woot.) She's my support circle. I haven't told this to anyone, except any of you reading this now. I told her not long ago that I wanted to catch the bus, and she had replied that if I were to do so, she wouldn't be able to leave her husband because he's the only other person who would understand her grief.
That is why I don't actively want to catch the bus, but like the title of this post, I don't know how to proceed. I've thought of every possible way to escape this country, to actually make progress towards my objective (yes, even the thought of marrying someone for their VISA has crossed my mind; alas, I'm ace and have given up on finding love). I'm still trying, but I'm not seeing any progress.
I know I should be grateful that I at least still have a job during this uncertain time (even though my boss treats us like shit; honestly, it's another long story). I can still provide for my family, and I am grateful, really, but there's the issue with time. Say I focus on my career progression in this country, try to find a better job, then proceed from that route; other than the standard qualification of a Bachelor's, this country is still pretty ageist (they would explicitly state that they only accept candidates below a certain age, and that age may or may not be 30). I'm not getting any younger, neither does my mother, and I hate the thought of disappointing her more than I already have. Thus I either catch the bus, which would trap her in a life of misery, or I don't and I continue navigating this hellhole, all the while losing every last bit of my sanity.
Didn't proofread this whole text because I'm too tired of... everything to be absolutely honest so TL;DR: Born in a third-world country. Didn't care about primary education. Not sure how to improve quality of life from career perspective. Can't really catch the bus because it would worsen the situation of the only person that matters in my life.
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