nembutal
everything will be okay in the end
- Jul 14, 2022
- 334
i'm so embarrassed but this is the final straw for me.
someone in my life is continually leading me on, doing things to me that people dating would do. and although the red flags are all there i can't shake the yearning i feel to see them any time i have the chance.
they were cheating on their gf the first few months we saw one another, a twisted type of devotion i never thought i would receive. they call themselves mine. they caress my face and stare into my eyes. he presses our bodies so close together i lose track of myself. but he lets me go so easily. he isn't the type i can ask the golden question, "what are we, what could we be". i do not mean as much to him as he does to me.
(NSFW TW) yesterday they made me cum so hard i started crying. so much sadness flowed through me as i shook, panic knowing he'll never be mine, terror knowing once the sun rises i'll have to go home and spend my nights alone, clutching my pillow wishing it were him. i constantly debate which one of my many flaws is stopping him from loving me.
i get attention from other men. it barely counts, they're all in my phone. their time means nothing to me. there is something more alluring to have to chase after someone, predator and prey. i don't want anyone but him.
my sadness is exaggerated by my BPD to such extremes that i will define my whole worth from being rejected like this, especially after collecting so many daydream-worthy memories with him. i have no friends or support system to replace his affection with. right now he exists as my entire world, and convincing him to cuff me as my only purpose. this is how it's been since i can remember, surviving for others, or the concept that meeting my soulmate is just a day away. never in my life have i existed for myself.
i won't give up on it yet, maybe im a night away from enticing him enough for him to finally put a leash on me. but im exhausted. unrequited love is truly up there on the hierarchy of painful experiences.
someone in my life is continually leading me on, doing things to me that people dating would do. and although the red flags are all there i can't shake the yearning i feel to see them any time i have the chance.
they were cheating on their gf the first few months we saw one another, a twisted type of devotion i never thought i would receive. they call themselves mine. they caress my face and stare into my eyes. he presses our bodies so close together i lose track of myself. but he lets me go so easily. he isn't the type i can ask the golden question, "what are we, what could we be". i do not mean as much to him as he does to me.
(NSFW TW) yesterday they made me cum so hard i started crying. so much sadness flowed through me as i shook, panic knowing he'll never be mine, terror knowing once the sun rises i'll have to go home and spend my nights alone, clutching my pillow wishing it were him. i constantly debate which one of my many flaws is stopping him from loving me.
i get attention from other men. it barely counts, they're all in my phone. their time means nothing to me. there is something more alluring to have to chase after someone, predator and prey. i don't want anyone but him.
my sadness is exaggerated by my BPD to such extremes that i will define my whole worth from being rejected like this, especially after collecting so many daydream-worthy memories with him. i have no friends or support system to replace his affection with. right now he exists as my entire world, and convincing him to cuff me as my only purpose. this is how it's been since i can remember, surviving for others, or the concept that meeting my soulmate is just a day away. never in my life have i existed for myself.
i won't give up on it yet, maybe im a night away from enticing him enough for him to finally put a leash on me. but im exhausted. unrequited love is truly up there on the hierarchy of painful experiences.
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