Venting university

[pumpkins334234]

i have actually been doing alright, as in, passively not actively suicidal, actually somewhat excited for the future. i got accepted to go study abroad in my dream program. today, i found out that i can no longer book a dorm room. i had been trying everyday since it opened to get a room, but i couldn't because of a fault on the university's end. i literally emailed them constantly and all they would have to do is click a button and it took them literally almost a month to fix the problem. the dorm room booking period has now passed. i can't find accommodation elsewhere because i am literally poor and cannot afford it. my visa might not come in time as well despite me applying for it very early.

i feel like everytime something good happens to me immediately a hundred bad things happen to me too. i know i should email my uni to try and work it out, but i don't even want to be bothered right now because would it really have been so hard to process one thing before the dorm bookings closed? i don't understand what else i am supposed to do. i don't understand how i'm supposed to constantly keep up a positive attitude and never be negative. going abroad was supposed to be literally my lifeline, and now it might not even happen for me. i cannot apply to a university in my current country either or afford one in the country i'm in a citizen in so if this doesn't work out i might not even go to university for an entire year. i turned 20 last month. people my age are already graduating. i feel like i might go insane. i'm so sick of things not working out for me. i just want to do normal things.

typing this out i feel stupid complaining about it so much. but it feels like nothing goes right for me and i'm genuinely so sick of setback after setback, i don't know how i'm supposed to cope with this and i'm tired. i want to get better but people make it so hard. i don't know what to do except hope it will all work out. it's not just this one, isolated incident, it's how everytime i think i'm doing better or i have an opportunity, it's always taken away from me, and i don't want to act like i have no responsibility in this, but it's through literally no fault of my own. like, opportunities are taken away from me for literally no reason and it makes me go fucking insane. another time i thought i had found my dream job, but literally a day before i was supposed to sign a contract they told me they no longer needed someone for that position. it's stuff like this that makes living so fucking hard. i don't want to do this bullshit anymore, it's not even my trauma that makes living hard, it's living beyond that in a world that doesn't make sense. i think i am meant to die and i think stuff like this speeds up the process.


i also had a medical emergency this weekend and i was hoping it would have killed me. unfortunately i am still alive. it is so unfair and cruel to be so close to dying in a semi peaceful way, that wouldn't leave my loved ones with the guilt of CTB, only to not die. i wish i had died so bad. i think i'm almost to the point of depression and frustration where i don't even care about the pain anymore.

 

[Adûnâi]

Yeah, life is like a team game where you're getting shafted by the teammates' RNG. The only reasonable response is that you're the only variable in those encounters, and purely by dint of statistics, you might triumph eventually.

 

[huntermellow]

i have actually been doing alright, as in, passively not actively suicidal, actually somewhat excited for the future. i got accepted to go study abroad in my dream program. today, i found out that i can no longer book a dorm room. i had been trying everyday since it opened to get a room, but i couldn't because of a fault on the university's end. i literally emailed them constantly and all they would have to do is click a button and it took them literally almost a month to fix the problem. the dorm room booking period has now passed. i can't find accommodation elsewhere because i am literally poor and cannot afford it. my visa might not come in time as well despite me applying for it very early.

i feel like everytime something good happens to me immediately a hundred bad things happen to me too. i know i should email my uni to try and work it out, but i don't even want to be bothered right now because would it really have been so hard to process one thing before the dorm bookings closed? i don't understand what else i am supposed to do. i don't understand how i'm supposed to constantly keep up a positive attitude and never be negative. going abroad was supposed to be literally my lifeline, and now it might not even happen for me. i cannot apply to a university in my current country either or afford one in the country i'm in a citizen in so if this doesn't work out i might not even go to university for an entire year. i turned 20 last month. people my age are already graduating. i feel like i might go insane. i'm so sick of things not working out for me. i just want to do normal things.

typing this out i feel stupid complaining about it so much. but it feels like nothing goes right for me and i'm genuinely so sick of setback after setback, i don't know how i'm supposed to cope with this and i'm tired. i want to get better but people make it so hard. i don't know what to do except hope it will all work out. it's not just this one, isolated incident, it's how everytime i think i'm doing better or i have an opportunity, it's always taken away from me, and i don't want to act like i have no responsibility in this, but it's through literally no fault of my own. like, opportunities are taken away from me for literally no reason and it makes me go fucking insane. another time i thought i had found my dream job, but literally a day before i was supposed to sign a contract they told me they no longer needed someone for that position. it's stuff like this that makes living so fucking hard. i don't want to do this bullshit anymore, it's not even my trauma that makes living hard, it's living beyond that in a world that doesn't make sense. i think i am meant to die and i think stuff like this speeds up the process.


i also had a medical emergency this weekend and i was hoping it would have killed me. unfortunately i am still alive. it is so unfair and cruel to be so close to dying in a semi peaceful way, that wouldn't leave my loved ones with the guilt of CTB, only to not die. i wish i had died so bad. i think i'm almost to the point of depression and frustration where i don't even care about the pain anymore.

i get what you mean so much. every time i get my hopes up about something it never happens or it doesn't go the way i want. like nothing ever works out for me or if something does then it gets taken away from me so quickly. it's like i'm not allowed to be happy. like i'm only allowed to get a glimpse of what it's like to be normal and happy and to have good things happen to me but that's all i can get. it's so hard for me to get a job and make friends and be in a relationship. no matter how hard i try it's never enough. i'm sorry for venting to your vent i basically just wanted to say i relate and know exactly what you're going through. whether you choose to go through with ctb or choose to live, i hope you find peace in your decision. if you decide to keep living i hope life finally starts treating you well

 

[3/4Dead]

Ironically enough I'm having a similar issue with my dorm situation. I'm sorry to hear that went this way, that's awful. I hope it is possible for you to still do the program, maybe during a different term. I also definetly understand the frustration with loss after loss. I hope things look up again.

 

[pumpkins334234]

Yeah, life is like a team game where you're getting shafted by the teammates' RNG. The only reasonable response is that you're the only variable in those encounters, and purely by dint of statistics, you might triumph eventually.

just gotta keep going lol

i get what you mean so much. every time i get my hopes up about something it never happens or it doesn't go the way i want. like nothing ever works out for me or if something does then it gets taken away from me so quickly. it's like i'm not allowed to be happy. like i'm only allowed to get a glimpse of what it's like to be normal and happy and to have good things happen to me but that's all i can get. it's so hard for me to get a job and make friends and be in a relationship. no matter how hard i try it's never enough. i'm sorry for venting to your vent i basically just wanted to say i relate and know exactly what you're going through. whether you choose to go through with ctb or choose to live, i hope you find peace in your decision. if you decide to keep living i hope life finally starts treating you well

no it's totally fine, actually it's a relief to hear someone else feel this way too. i just don't know why it has to happen on and on and on, like if i were a little more delusional i would believe there's a huge conspiracy against me because the way my life works out and is is just so horrible haha. i'm glad to find someone to relate too. i hope things go better for the both of us either through CTB or other means

Ironically enough I'm having a similar issue with my dorm situation. I'm sorry to hear that went this way, that's awful. I hope it is possible for you to still do the program, maybe during a different term. I also definetly understand the frustration with loss after loss. I hope things look up again.

i don't want to be mean about it, but you would think they would take providing accommodation to people more seriously. i've had many friends with the same experiences, one even had to live with me for a bit because they were kicked out early as there was no space for other students. and thank you, i really hope your dorm situation works out too

Ironically enough I'm having a similar issue with my dorm situation. I'm sorry to hear that went this way, that's awful. I hope it is possible for you to still do the program, maybe during a different term. I also definetly understand the frustration with loss after loss. I hope things look up again.

i don't want to be mean about it, but you would think they would take providing accommodation to people more seriously. i've had many friends with the same experiences, one even had to live with me for a bit because they were kicked out early as there was no space for other students. and thank you, i really hope your dorm situation works out too