Unexpected Positive Development

[cowie]

Hi, I was planning on CBTing with SN (which is almost here) sometime in the next two weeks.

Everything is a mess and I have nothing to look forward to.

Except I randomly met someone on Saturday, cooked dinner for him at his house Sunday and now we are having Thanksgiving together. I'm very confused. He is very much like the ideal man I had in my mind. I'm very confused now and hesitant to CBT. Everything else is still a mess but I might have a chance at real love for the first time in my life. I am still mentally preparing to CBT but honestly overwhelmed after being lonely for so long. I wanted to share the positive development and hope today goes well. Maybe there is still a chance at recovery? (I hope this is the right section for this post.)

 

[whywere]

FANTASTIC!!!!

I am so very happy for you!! I am sitting down to Thanksgiving by myself, but reading your post warmed my heart and soul and gave me such a huge lift up in spirits.

Have a GREAT Thanksgiving with your new friend and you are truly such a loving and caring soul.

Just so WONDERFUL!

Walter

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, the good thing is that SN keeps for a while so there is no urgency to use it in that sense.

I hope it goes well. Maybe this will lead you to a life without CTB. It's not feasible to expect one person to eliminate all suicidal feelings, but feelings of connection and intimacy are vital for your psyche and if you feel those maybe it will help open doors to other positive ways of developing your life.

 

[SarRy]

Good for you. Yes, really. Don't get lost in your own head and remember to see him for who he is and not who you wish him to be. Still, that's great. It just goes to show that you never know what life will bring. I understand wanting to be prepared. Sometimes it makes it easier to try new things when you know you can escape.

Cheers, I hope this part of your life will bring you joy.

 

[Teddybear]

Well, I hope you are not bi-polar (I am) and so this change of development will last. A lucky partnership can turn everyone's life around and there was an era, when finding the right partner was considered more important, than all the Black Friday deals of Amazon combined (so looong ago).

So I wish you lasting sunshine on your path, but with a few clouds here and there. For life needs shade from time to time.

 

[Regen]

Ooohhh, that's wonderful!!! I wish I could find love too! You should give it a chance, it sounds great! I am very happy for this.

 

[theboy]

go!

 

[cowie]

Thanks everyone for the kind comments. I had a wonderful evening and spent the night at his place. I learned more about him and we really get along. Obviously you don't want to tie your entire reason to live on one person, so I'm trying not to do that. I am however appreciating these moments very much. They are much like what I have always dreamed of. There's a part of me that says "well, better late than never! Maybe there's a reason you were supposed to stumble into meeting him and this will lead to bigger and better things" and there's another part that just feels irreparably broken. We will see what happens.

 

[cowie]

I wanted to update this situation since everyone was so supportive. We were apart for awhile due to holidays and him traveling for work. We got back together and had a good time again. He is incredibly handsome, ambitious, and just a lovely person. I truly do not know what he sees in me but there must be something. Laying with him feels so wonderful after being alone for years. I feel human and alive.

However, I still find anal sex painful (I'm gay) and while I'm happy to please him, it is depressing how little I can enjoy sex. This is supposed to be one of the best parts of life and the experience has always felt like a chore to me. In the past, I've enjoyed other forms of intimacy with men much more. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's just a little sad. Everytime I lay there in pain and promise myself I won't have to do it ever again if I just relax. I'm so glad when it's over.

He is so cute though. And I laid my head on his chest last night and silently cried while he fell asleep. I was happy in the moment but also sad.

I know I'm emotionally damaged beyond all hope. He is beautiful and deserves someone better. I don't even know if we could work as a thing long-term. I think I would still be sad, even though I really like him. He knows what he wants in life and I don't. He's only four years older, but he seems much more mature than me, because I'm so far behind.

But I want everyone to know I was happy for a while. Happy but also sad. Because I don't think of the future anymore in the way I used to.

I don't feel excited and thrilled with guys anymore like I did when I was younger. I think that's okay, but I miss it. Everything feels serious. He was talking about mortgages and investments at dinner and it just made me realize how fast life is going and how much I've missed. I don't think I was ever cut out for this world.

But I was happy to be with him. My life is not entirely lonely. It never really was. It's okay if there's no heaven, because laying in his bed with my head on his chest is as close to heaven as I needed. I felt alive. I lived. I was here.

I think I'm going to start the SN procedure (following Stan's guide) within the week. Sorry to update a post in the recovery section with this bad news but the truth is you have to be happy with yourself. Being with a great person isn't going to fix you, even if they do like you.

 

[MoonlitNight]

I wanted to update this situation since everyone was so supportive. We were apart for awhile due to holidays and him traveling for work. We got back together and had a good time again. He is incredibly handsome, ambitious, and just a lovely person. I truly do not know what he sees in me but there must be something. Laying with him feels so wonderful after being alone for years. I feel human and alive.

However, I still find anal sex painful (I'm gay) and while I'm happy to please him, it is depressing how little I can enjoy sex. This is supposed to be one of the best parts of life and the experience has always felt like a chore to me. In the past, I've enjoyed other forms of intimacy with men much more. I know I'm not alone in this, but it's just a little sad. Everytime I lay there in pain and promise myself I won't have to do it ever again if I just relax. I'm so glad when it's over.

He is so cute though. And I laid my head on his chest last night and silently cried while he fell asleep. I was happy in the moment but also sad.

I know I'm emotionally damaged beyond all hope. He is beautiful and deserves someone better. I don't even know if we could work as a thing long-term. I think I would still be sad, even though I really like him. He knows what he wants in life and I don't. He's only four years older, but he seems much more mature than me, because I'm so far behind.

But I want everyone to know I was happy for a while. Happy but also sad. Because I don't think of the future anymore in the way I used to.

I don't feel excited and thrilled with guys anymore like I did when I was younger. I think that's okay, but I miss it. Everything feels serious. He was talking about mortgages and investments at dinner and it just made me realize how fast life is going and how much I've missed. I don't think I was ever cut out for this world.

But I was happy to be with him. My life is not entirely lonely. It never really was. It's okay if there's no heaven, because laying in his bed with my head on his chest is as close to heaven as I needed. I felt alive. I lived. I was here.

I think I'm going to start the SN procedure (following Stan's guide) within the week. Sorry to update a post in the recovery section with this bad news but the truth is you have to be happy with yourself. Being with a great person isn't going to fix you, even if they do like you.

While it is true being with a great person wont fix you, being with a great person is a reason, motivation to fix yourself. No one can fix you except you. It is entirely your choice if you want to leave behind what you have here or try to recover with them as your backup.
"before you start a war you better know what you're fighting for" The reason should keep you strong.

I hope you'll find that having someone to go through life with wont make it as hard to deal with. But at the same time, if you wish to go with it, peace. I hope you do leave a delayed mail or anything to reassure them though.

 

[cowie]

Thank you. You make great points. If I could work on myself for a while and reboot as a 25-year-old, then I would stay. But I just entered my late twenties and I'm so far down the hole, I don't think there's a point in trying to pull myself back out. I don't even want to be old. Like I'd probably CTB as soon as I entered my 40s or my back started hurting again. The quality of life is not worth living.

I went hiking with older relatives in their 60s and had trouble climbing a large hill while they were totally fine. My body is a disgusting mess. While that does mean there's a lot of room for improvement, aging is just gonna make the problem worse.

I don't even get horny nearly ever anymore. I just feel like a blob of wasted potential.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm with you. A few years older and too far down the hole too. Feel like an alien when people talk about "adult things". I feel like a perpetual teenager. Little desire to get much older anyway. My abysmal self-esteem couldn't handle it.

But if you truly wanted to you could change your body. That's at least one thing that generally responds to effort.

I agree, he must see something in you and what you offer. I know it's a legitimate worry that he'll lose interest as you get older and don't "grow up" accordingly.

You shouldn't have to suffer just to please him. I'm gay too and I find anal way too painful. It's just not built for penetration like a vagina is. Does he know how much it hurts you? I could never hide it and if he is as good as you say he wouldn't find it alluring to do something that causes you pain.

My main bit of advice is that you're going to have make up your mind (speaking from experience here). Limbo is a difficult to be. If you think recovery might yield something good, you don't want to waste any more time on ambivalence.

 

[cowie]

Thank you for the reply. I've tried recovery several times before and each time it's been less effective. The problem has always been my willingness to put more effort into myself to be who I want to be. In my early 20s, I put a lot of effort in and got somewhat close but nowhere near perfect. I could not keep that level of investment up and couldn't stop binge eating. We are all getting older. I'm glad I've been in bed with some beautiful men in my life. Cuddling with them is the best thing in the world. I feel safe and loved. I wish that for everyone. It's one of the best parts of being human.

With regards to anal, I think the problem is I just don't do it frequently enough to enjoy it. Most of the reason I don't have more sex is because I'm literally too fat to acquire it for most guys. Some guys still like me. I also just don't feel handsome or beautiful anymore, and I haven't in years. I tried to lose a bunch of weight last year but gained nearly all of it back quickly. Even when I lost weight, I was still 30 pounds overweight.

At one point I just accepted that I was never going to have the perfect body and that's okay - I should just love myself and those who can love me for who I am. But I still feel I missed out on the best part of life - being young and beautiful and in love.

I just find myself not caring about anything any more - even little hobbies or interests I used to have. I'm mentally checked out. I don't know what sort of future would even be worth living when the prime of my life has been so awful.

I just want to lay in bed with him and silently pass away one day. There's nothing more for me to do here. Maybe there never was anything for me in the first place. That's okay.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, I'm with you. Life has peaked for me and even then that was shit. I've struggled with not turning to food too.

It's tough when you can't feel satisfied with what you see in the mirror. The demands of gay culture and its views on aging don't help either.