I feel like I must be missing a soul. Like maybe other people can tell that I am empty inside, and that is why they avoid me. If I have no soul, I have no soulmate. That is the logic I ascribe to. I have been described as soulless, so it tracks.
The only thing that kept me alive for many years was feeding into the delusional belief that one day I would find love and it would be enough. That I could belong somewhere, with friends, or even a significant other. That people would look forward to my presence. That I would look forward to theirs.
But love doesn't exist. Nobody loves anyone else. It isn't real. Or maybe I am just unable to be loved, because of the whole lacking a soul thing. I don't know. If love is real for other people, good for them. I give up. I'm not doing it anymore.
I don't believe in that foolish garbage. All people do is use other people. You are only valuable if you are attractive, or wealthy, or affluent. Beauty is fleeting, money gets spent, and power shifts and changes like the tides. So that value degrades over time anyways, and you will wind up alone even if you do find someone who likes you.
Nobody spends time with you because they think you're funny, or charming, or you make them smile. It's bullshit. And if it isn't bullshit, then I'm just absolutely fucked.
I used to like dreaming about it. Someone to share inside jokes with. Someone who thinks about you, just because you make them happy. I have been in love, so love must be real, right? But I don't think that's true. Maybe my idea of love only exists inside of my head, so I will never find it anywhere else. Maybe we all feel love so differently, that none of us share a definition of the word. Maybe that's why we are all so lonely.
I don't know.
