KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,704
I don't think people realize how hopeless it is when you become an adult and are expected to fulfill certain roles and obligations, yet struggle to do, and can't ever build a life that's worth living.
Now that I'm approaching my mid twenties, I realize ultimately how pointless and futile the struggle and toil is when I have nothing to show for it. Chronic issues have left me in ruins for years, and all attempts to struggle and claw my way out of it have ultimately been for naught.
Autism always made my life hard, and so did having PTSD since age 5, yet no matter what I went through I still tried to hold on to a modicum of hope that things would eventually pan out. That is what I was always told by adults and authority figures, that all I had to do was hold out until I was 18 and I could go to university, allowing me to escape my bad living situation with my family who tormented me, as well as the shithole location I grew up in where there were 0 opportunities to prosper.
Getting chronic fatigue and random health issues was ultimately the nail in my coffin, over 6 years ago. Just like my poor upbringing, the advice has always been to wait it out and hope that it goes away, but it isn't going anywhere. This is my life now. Though I'm not sure if you can call it much of a life most of the time.
I realized a long time ago that I'm never going to have a career. I have pretty severe cognitive dysfunction that makes me a horrible employee no matter what sorts of tasks I am doing. I've had a part time office job for several years, and despite barely working any hours, I still manage to constantly mess things up when I am there. Scheduling is a nightmare because even if I write down dates and times I will often mix them up. My attention span is shot. Whenever I am sitting in front of an empty email, trying to help someone with an issue, my mind is completely blank. No one really likes me because I'm so autistic it often makes others uncomfortable, my humor doesn't land right, people can tell there is something off and weird about me which makes my life miserable because I struggle to fit in anywhere or gain respect.
I struggle to write the responses I need to clients and I struggle with speech and articulating what needs to be said. Both my short and long memory are horiffic and I am constantly making mistakes and mixing up dates or numbers because I can't remember anything, which makes dealing with financial matters very precarious. If I were expected to work full time, I would probably be out of a job. And what's even worse too is that most people would find my job very easy.
I've tried to push myself many times to handle the strain that normal people can, and I haven't been able to hold any full time sort of work or maintain good university attendance in 5-6 years now. Whenever I worked full time all I did was pass out as soon as I got home and spend all day at work in agonizing physical pain because they made me stand on concrete and wouldn't allow me to sit down no matter what. It was overwork that caused me to get very sick with a virus and develop chronic fatigue in the first place. I finished my degree by the skin of my teeth because so much of it was online due to lingering COVID restrictions and rules, if not for that I would not have been able to pass or do well.
My interest is in science and medicine, and my degree trained people for that line of work while giving you no relevant certification or qualifications that would allow you to work in the NHS or anywhere else, which would make things harder even if I were healthy and energetic. I always had an interest in research and wanting to help others who have health problems, but this environment is so toxic and unwelcoming to people who struggle. I did a short term training/internship position in a lab a couple years ago and my life was complete hell because I couldn't fulfill the hours I was supposed to, I was frequently falling alseep at work or almost falling asleep, people could tell I was completely exhausted and out of it all the time or thought I wasn't trying, I'd get yelled at constantly for making mistakes or not understanding something, it was a miserable environment that I dreading coming to every day.
My level of cognitive impairment is so profound I can't see myself being able to hold any sort of job. Chronic fatigue and brainfog have turned me into a complete zombie with an empty head, often unable to speak at all or messing up words and sentences, unable to be creative, unable to function correctly, and making mistakes on things others would consider simple. The worst part is people think this is all my fault and that I am "mentally ill and refuse treatment."
This simply isn't true. I've been in and out of the MH system since I was a young child, and I've been on just about every psych drug you can take save for antipsychotics and lithium. I've been to numerous therapies and received autism services as well, but nothing helped. No one believes me that none of this helped me, or even made things worse (I started self harming for the first time as a child when I was made to take SSRIs, then stopped once I was on a different drug cocktail, but the damage had already been done to a young mine, I think)
Many of my issues are neurological in nature yet no one believes this and simply thinks I am lazy and having "psychological problems." Despite having a surgery to get rid of tumors that were causing a lot of bleeding and adhesions in my abdominal area, I still have IBS nearly a year later. I have been told so much stuff about how being constipated or having stomach pain and cramps and bloating is me "being stressed and not managing my mental health" by my best friend, which hurts because she has known me for over 3 years and sees how much suffering and pain I have gone through.
Because of the cognitive impairment it is nearly impossible to have any sort of hobby because I have no creativity or inspiration, learning is also very difficult for me. I used to love learning languages and now I can hardly write a basic sentence in a language I studied for 3+ years because my brain even struggles to write the correct letters in my native language of English, much less another one. I have a lot of friends who are artists or authors or other types of creatives and I want to cry because I never have anything to contribute and I want to be a part of their world but my mind is an eternally blank haze of nothingness.
It's not just functioning in the real world and productivity that I struggle with though, it's relationships as well. 90% of my family members are dead, or have no contact and nothing to do with me. I lack supportive and stable connections, and have been in a bad relationship on and off again for the past 4/5 years. While things are not the worst right now, the relationship has undoubtedly destroyed me, because my boyfriend tried many times to have me kicked out onto the streets over petty arguments, has called me a bitch, cunt, piece of shit etc numerous times, used to imply I am faking illness to be taken care of, and has almost outright said multiple times in the past that no one else would ever love me due to how "high maintenance" I am and no one else would ever put up with me so I "wouldn't dare leave him cause he knows I would be screwed."
My boyfriend's family hates me because I'm autistic and have PTSD. Once my boyfriend and I had an argument so he told his mother I was suicidal and she threatened me and said she would have me sectioned and have them drug me up until I shut up and don't say another word, something to this effect. I am not allowed to be in his family home anymore because his mother hates me and thinks I CHOOSE to have PTSD and be afraid and meek, she has even accused me of potentially getting her son in jail one day because "I act so meek" people will think I'm getting abused and get the wrong idea when my boyfriend has to advocate or stand up for me. So needless to say my relationship is in the gutter and I am completely miserable.
As a woman, it feels like I am expected to put out and also eventually have children. Because of my PTSD, sex is not really enjoyable for me and I haven't had sex or wanted it in over a year. This means I have basically no value to most men. I have frequently been told I am acting like an immature child and how I am going to die alone because of how I am terrified of things like pregnancy. I even had a doctor tell me (despite knowing I was molested many times during childhood including BY A DOCTOR) tell me that I need to learn to accept penetration and that I need to train myself to take penetration so that I can have a frequent sex life like everyone else and also submit myself to invasive medical procedures that "everyone else does." I feel completely broken, unlovable, and inhuman.
For a long time due to this heavy brainfog I have struggled with emotions as well. I feel like a complete zombie who is just numb or permanently out of it. I pray everyday that I will pass in my sleep or something because this is no life. I have nothing to look forward to and the meager things I do have will inevitably slip through my fingers as I am expected to work very soon, expected to marry, to be normal, and I simply can't.
This is hell
Now that I'm approaching my mid twenties, I realize ultimately how pointless and futile the struggle and toil is when I have nothing to show for it. Chronic issues have left me in ruins for years, and all attempts to struggle and claw my way out of it have ultimately been for naught.
Autism always made my life hard, and so did having PTSD since age 5, yet no matter what I went through I still tried to hold on to a modicum of hope that things would eventually pan out. That is what I was always told by adults and authority figures, that all I had to do was hold out until I was 18 and I could go to university, allowing me to escape my bad living situation with my family who tormented me, as well as the shithole location I grew up in where there were 0 opportunities to prosper.
Getting chronic fatigue and random health issues was ultimately the nail in my coffin, over 6 years ago. Just like my poor upbringing, the advice has always been to wait it out and hope that it goes away, but it isn't going anywhere. This is my life now. Though I'm not sure if you can call it much of a life most of the time.
I realized a long time ago that I'm never going to have a career. I have pretty severe cognitive dysfunction that makes me a horrible employee no matter what sorts of tasks I am doing. I've had a part time office job for several years, and despite barely working any hours, I still manage to constantly mess things up when I am there. Scheduling is a nightmare because even if I write down dates and times I will often mix them up. My attention span is shot. Whenever I am sitting in front of an empty email, trying to help someone with an issue, my mind is completely blank. No one really likes me because I'm so autistic it often makes others uncomfortable, my humor doesn't land right, people can tell there is something off and weird about me which makes my life miserable because I struggle to fit in anywhere or gain respect.
I struggle to write the responses I need to clients and I struggle with speech and articulating what needs to be said. Both my short and long memory are horiffic and I am constantly making mistakes and mixing up dates or numbers because I can't remember anything, which makes dealing with financial matters very precarious. If I were expected to work full time, I would probably be out of a job. And what's even worse too is that most people would find my job very easy.
I've tried to push myself many times to handle the strain that normal people can, and I haven't been able to hold any full time sort of work or maintain good university attendance in 5-6 years now. Whenever I worked full time all I did was pass out as soon as I got home and spend all day at work in agonizing physical pain because they made me stand on concrete and wouldn't allow me to sit down no matter what. It was overwork that caused me to get very sick with a virus and develop chronic fatigue in the first place. I finished my degree by the skin of my teeth because so much of it was online due to lingering COVID restrictions and rules, if not for that I would not have been able to pass or do well.
My interest is in science and medicine, and my degree trained people for that line of work while giving you no relevant certification or qualifications that would allow you to work in the NHS or anywhere else, which would make things harder even if I were healthy and energetic. I always had an interest in research and wanting to help others who have health problems, but this environment is so toxic and unwelcoming to people who struggle. I did a short term training/internship position in a lab a couple years ago and my life was complete hell because I couldn't fulfill the hours I was supposed to, I was frequently falling alseep at work or almost falling asleep, people could tell I was completely exhausted and out of it all the time or thought I wasn't trying, I'd get yelled at constantly for making mistakes or not understanding something, it was a miserable environment that I dreading coming to every day.
My level of cognitive impairment is so profound I can't see myself being able to hold any sort of job. Chronic fatigue and brainfog have turned me into a complete zombie with an empty head, often unable to speak at all or messing up words and sentences, unable to be creative, unable to function correctly, and making mistakes on things others would consider simple. The worst part is people think this is all my fault and that I am "mentally ill and refuse treatment."
This simply isn't true. I've been in and out of the MH system since I was a young child, and I've been on just about every psych drug you can take save for antipsychotics and lithium. I've been to numerous therapies and received autism services as well, but nothing helped. No one believes me that none of this helped me, or even made things worse (I started self harming for the first time as a child when I was made to take SSRIs, then stopped once I was on a different drug cocktail, but the damage had already been done to a young mine, I think)
Many of my issues are neurological in nature yet no one believes this and simply thinks I am lazy and having "psychological problems." Despite having a surgery to get rid of tumors that were causing a lot of bleeding and adhesions in my abdominal area, I still have IBS nearly a year later. I have been told so much stuff about how being constipated or having stomach pain and cramps and bloating is me "being stressed and not managing my mental health" by my best friend, which hurts because she has known me for over 3 years and sees how much suffering and pain I have gone through.
Because of the cognitive impairment it is nearly impossible to have any sort of hobby because I have no creativity or inspiration, learning is also very difficult for me. I used to love learning languages and now I can hardly write a basic sentence in a language I studied for 3+ years because my brain even struggles to write the correct letters in my native language of English, much less another one. I have a lot of friends who are artists or authors or other types of creatives and I want to cry because I never have anything to contribute and I want to be a part of their world but my mind is an eternally blank haze of nothingness.
It's not just functioning in the real world and productivity that I struggle with though, it's relationships as well. 90% of my family members are dead, or have no contact and nothing to do with me. I lack supportive and stable connections, and have been in a bad relationship on and off again for the past 4/5 years. While things are not the worst right now, the relationship has undoubtedly destroyed me, because my boyfriend tried many times to have me kicked out onto the streets over petty arguments, has called me a bitch, cunt, piece of shit etc numerous times, used to imply I am faking illness to be taken care of, and has almost outright said multiple times in the past that no one else would ever love me due to how "high maintenance" I am and no one else would ever put up with me so I "wouldn't dare leave him cause he knows I would be screwed."
My boyfriend's family hates me because I'm autistic and have PTSD. Once my boyfriend and I had an argument so he told his mother I was suicidal and she threatened me and said she would have me sectioned and have them drug me up until I shut up and don't say another word, something to this effect. I am not allowed to be in his family home anymore because his mother hates me and thinks I CHOOSE to have PTSD and be afraid and meek, she has even accused me of potentially getting her son in jail one day because "I act so meek" people will think I'm getting abused and get the wrong idea when my boyfriend has to advocate or stand up for me. So needless to say my relationship is in the gutter and I am completely miserable.
As a woman, it feels like I am expected to put out and also eventually have children. Because of my PTSD, sex is not really enjoyable for me and I haven't had sex or wanted it in over a year. This means I have basically no value to most men. I have frequently been told I am acting like an immature child and how I am going to die alone because of how I am terrified of things like pregnancy. I even had a doctor tell me (despite knowing I was molested many times during childhood including BY A DOCTOR) tell me that I need to learn to accept penetration and that I need to train myself to take penetration so that I can have a frequent sex life like everyone else and also submit myself to invasive medical procedures that "everyone else does." I feel completely broken, unlovable, and inhuman.
For a long time due to this heavy brainfog I have struggled with emotions as well. I feel like a complete zombie who is just numb or permanently out of it. I pray everyday that I will pass in my sleep or something because this is no life. I have nothing to look forward to and the meager things I do have will inevitably slip through my fingers as I am expected to work very soon, expected to marry, to be normal, and I simply can't.
This is hell
