Venting Ugly, invasive thoughts about assault? (TW)

[succor]

TW: sexual assault, violence, CSA

Does anyone else get terrible urges to recreate their trauma when they're feeling particularly bitter/depressed/angry/upset? Like, as a coping mechanism? Or even as self punishment?

I know this is probably an uncomfortable subject and it's very unhealthy, I'm sorry. But there's no one I can talk to about this IRL without them freaking out or trying to have me sectioned or something.

When I'm feeling low and grimy like tonight, I find myself wanting to put myself in dangerous situations that might mirror or remind me of things that have happened to me. Like meeting with a stranger and hoping they get violent with me, or that they assault me. I find myself thinking, you deserved what happened to you, and it would feel SO satisfying to experience something like it again because you DESERVE IT. I know it doesn't make sense, and it's an ugly invasive thought. I've been to therapy and I've been medicated but nothing helps me to stop wanting this as like, a form of self harm or something. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've done well enough to avoid actually acting on it, save for a stint in high school where I was hypersexual and putting myself in questionable situations, but I can't shake the horrible craving to be hurt again. It's like I WANT to hate myself more.

I know I sound crazy, and if this isn't the proper place to discuss things like this I'm so sorry. I just don't know where to vent about this.

 

[Samsara]

You dont sound crazy at all. This is actually something thats very common in individuals with PTSD
You dont sound crazy at all. This is actually something thats very common in individuals with PTSD

 

[Shero]

Its not the wrong place to discuss this.
You are not crazy. Like you've said, it's a strong feeling to relieve those bad experiences you've had since you hate yourself so much, that you feel (not necessary think) you deserve it.
That self-destructive thought pattern that you can't control and is so strong that you need to relieve that suffering to alleviate it for a short period of time.
It is indeed self-harm, and i do it too.
So i hope, it helps that you are not alone in this. Feel free to vent as much as you want, even if i don't necessarily answer every time, i will read it and relate to a certain extend. Everyones experience in life is different, so i can't understand what you went through, but i atleast can lend you my attention and compassion.

 

[succor]

You dont sound crazy at all. This is actually something thats very common in individuals with PTSD
You dont sound crazy at all. This is actually something thats very common in individuals with PTSD

Though I've been to therapists, none of them have brought up PTSD. It's like they didn't want to diagnose me for some reason and instead I got bipolar and OCD. I'm so glad that this is something that can be attributed to PTSD, it makes me feel less insane.

Its not the wrong place to discuss this.
You are not crazy. Like you've said, it's a strong feeling to relieve those bad experiences you've had since you hate yourself so much, that you feel (not necessary think) you deserve it.
That self-destructive thought pattern that you can't control and is so strong that you need to relieve that suffering to alleviate it for a short period of time.
It is indeed self-harm, and i do it too.
So i hope, it helps that you are not alone in this. Feel free to vent as much as you want, even if i don't necessarily answer every time, i will read it and relate to a certain extend. Everyones experience in life is different, so i can't understand what you went through, but i atleast can lend you my attention and compassion.

The solidarity means so much. Thank you so much for replying. I know it's an ugly thing to want but sometimes the urge is just so strong. I used to self harm in other ways but I'm unable to do them now, as my partner would very easily be able to tell as I'm closely monitored. Now it's just destructive thoughts and nail/finger picking.

 

[Heartaches]

No, I understand, It's something I've felt/thought for many years now, I've even spoken about it with therapists but nothing ever changes, especially when I'm severely depressed and/or anxious I wish really bad things upon myself, such as being assaulted because I feel I deserve it, because I feel it'll bring some new meaning to my life, because it'll make me "complete" in some sense, etc. I know none of this is true but the feeling is just too strong and my head won't shut up as much as I wish to.

And it's sad honestly, I feel like I can never truly have a normal life or have healthy romantic relationships because of it, even when I'm happy and calm I still get those ideas. Doesn't help I've told some friends and family about it and they always get freaked out so I try to avoid it as much as possible.

Used to be hypersexual as well not so long ago, got me into some trouble but nothing physical ever happened. Still sexual but feel I can manage it better.

Wanted to make a thread to talk about it but was too afraid cause I didn't want to trigger other's trauma or offend them, but I've seen some users sharing the same sentiment and I don't feel so lonely now. Thank you, I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, I don't think I can help much but as Shero said, you're not alone, you have my compassion as well. I hope you're doing well.​