dental
tired
- Jan 11, 2024
- 23
i hate how all over the place i've been. there have been so many times lately where i get a sudden wave of motivation and decide that i'm gonna live, that i'm gonna solve all my problems and move past this, usually after a therapy appointment or something. then it's always no longer than 1-2 days later that i fall back into feeling just as awful as before. idk why i keep trying to convince myself that all the unfixable things intrinsic to my life, which cause me to want to escape it entirely, can get better if i just try hard enough. maybe i'm still just clinging onto some false hope that there really is a solution, it's just hidden deep enough that i haven't found it yet. when i truly know that absolutely is not how it works.
i can't cure my various mental illnesses and conditions – i can try to medicate them and try to find better coping strategies, but nothing ever seems to work substantially or permanently enough. and i can't cure my gender dysphoria, especially when i can't exactly afford to get all the surgeries i would need to get anywhere close to how i'm supposed to be. i don't even know if i'll have access to my hrt for much longer – i've had so much legitimately crippling anxiety about the upcoming election, because the idea of project 2025 coming to pass gives me more motivation than literally anything ever before to kill myself. i'd rather be dead than live through that. if i feel optimistic enough and manage to get the money i'll try to move (perfect situation would probably be france, as i already speak the language and have a couple connections), but i don't really trust myself to not spiral downwards hard and fast. i'd planned on trying to hold out for a few more years, but i am going to try to get together a solid enough plan/method within the next couple months.
rambling blogpost sorry about that, i just am not doing great. which i say every time, but. shit be happening
i can't cure my various mental illnesses and conditions – i can try to medicate them and try to find better coping strategies, but nothing ever seems to work substantially or permanently enough. and i can't cure my gender dysphoria, especially when i can't exactly afford to get all the surgeries i would need to get anywhere close to how i'm supposed to be. i don't even know if i'll have access to my hrt for much longer – i've had so much legitimately crippling anxiety about the upcoming election, because the idea of project 2025 coming to pass gives me more motivation than literally anything ever before to kill myself. i'd rather be dead than live through that. if i feel optimistic enough and manage to get the money i'll try to move (perfect situation would probably be france, as i already speak the language and have a couple connections), but i don't really trust myself to not spiral downwards hard and fast. i'd planned on trying to hold out for a few more years, but i am going to try to get together a solid enough plan/method within the next couple months.
rambling blogpost sorry about that, i just am not doing great. which i say every time, but. shit be happening
