Ugh...not feeling so hot

[darknesscomesquick]

This is definitely a vent and trying to figure out a way to manage this third degree emotional burn I'm feeling right now...

I just started a partial hospitalization program and I am literally writing this in the patient lounge area waiting for my next group to start. I can't fucking believe I'm here. Probably NOT the best way to start treatment, right??? Anyways, I was trying to kill time before this next group and so I was doing this learning module to become a sports official for one of the sports my kids are into. Of course, dumbass me picks the one about sexual abuse, which of course triggers me big time. What the fuck am I doing??? Why am I trying to get treatment for something that has clearly left me so fucking broken I can't even do a fucking module on the computer on how to spot the signs and how to prevent the very same shit that happened to me as a child?!?!?! I was also having to do the module on abuse and neglect and now I'm about to have a fucking panic attack that someone will take my kids away from me because I seem to have my head shoved so far up my ass with my own fucking mental health issues that I am afraid people will see me as not being able to care for them and they will just take them away. What's the point of trying to "get better" if the very people I am trying to get better for will not be allowed near me because I am so broken and can't be repaired????

Death feels like an option that should be allowed to be on the table. Instead I have people here trying to "do good" and save me from myself. I know I'm not gonna do anything right now, but I won't lie and say the thought and urge and strong desire isn't there.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time read this because I know y'all understand. I know y'all get it. Thank you.

 

[lunchbox]

For what it's worth, I think you have a lot of strength and courage. Whatever you decide to do, your spirited resolve is something you can rely on <3

 

[hi-okbye]

i agree you do have a lot of strength and courage. i would say love too, you care about your kids a lot it seems. i hope you find some comfort and peace <3

 

[Meditation guide]

Youve been through a lot of trauma. I have a feeling somehow it's going to work out for you.

 

[darknesscomesquick]

Thank you all for your kind words. I knew you would get it. I love and appreciate you all.