Venting Ugh everything is 10x worse at night..

[Anon2662]

Man I hate night times! The voices and rushing, bad, jumbled thoughts always seem so much louder/worse. I reckon it's because everyone else is sleeping and peaceful but I can't sleep and it's soooo frustrating! I find my paranoia gets massively worse too for some strange reason.. that feeling of being watched and spied on increases so much and I'm not sure why.. and I can't even take sleeping tablets to just knock me out because I don't trust the drs not to poison me. I reckon it's also because I'm trying to put on a front to my family that I'm okay. (After they found out about a failed attempt they were very concerned and almost smothering and I don't want that again!) but pretending to be 'okay' is sooo draining and then when I'm on my own all the pent up emotions seem to come flooding out. I mean, they know I'm not well as I rarely leave the house and never do on my own.. but they have no clue I don't think that I'm soon to ctb. Anyone else feel like they have to pretend to be okay to family members or find it difficult at night?
I apologise for the rant just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere..

 

[MysticPerception]

That is exactly why I take sleeping pills. Though I just use melatonin which is over the counter and I choose it myself. I can't stand being trapped with the thoughts when I'm unable to sleep it's like to drive me insane.

 

[squirtsoda]

Ambien and propranolol are my go tos, nights are horrible for me too. I used to just guzzle bourbon and take a bunch of benzos and double dose of ambien every night, but now I can only get the regular 10mg per night and no benzos.

 

[Anon2662]

That is exactly why I take sleeping pills. Though I just use melatonin which is over the counter and I choose it myself. I can't stand being trapped with the thoughts when I'm unable to sleep it's like to drive me insane.

I wish I could trust the professionals to not poison me but I can't, so refuse any meds. And I can't even go to the shop to get over the counter which I could pick myself as I reckon I'd potentially take them if I could pick a packet from the middle or something.. but I can't leave the house on my own and definitely don't want to be going to get tablets with my mum after I took an OD that she knows about. So I'm stuck with the thoughts and voices and everything that goes with it.. I hate it! Glad you've found a way to make it easier for you though

Ambien and propranolol are my go tos, nights are horrible for me too. I used to just guzzle bourbon and take a bunch of benzos and double dose of ambien every night, but now I can only get the regular 10mg per night and no benzos.

Wish I could get over my fear of taking meds. I know it sounds stupid that I'm scared of the drs poisoning me when I am going to ctb anyway.. but I want to ctb on my terms in my own way..

 

[faust]

I always have to pretend everything is alright, because most of the people won't simply understand me.
I have one question to you, maybe a little bit silly, but have you tried olanzapine?
It won't make a big difference in the long run, but can be good during your hallucinations.
Sorry, you have to live with this...

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Wow. I relate to this post on a spiritual level. Yes, it's so hard to fall asleep because all I will think about is the craziness in my head. And yes again, it is so draining trying to act okay in front of friends and family. I'm at a dinner right now and it is so hard just to seem okay. I just want to run out of here and never come back. I can't move I feel like shit and I resonate with this post so much. Ugh, I'm so tired...

 

[TheLastHumanRight]

I wish I could trust the professionals to not poison me but I can't, so refuse any meds. And I can't even go to the shop to get over the counter which I could pick myself as I reckon I'd potentially take them if I could pick a packet from the middle or something.. but I can't leave the house on my own and definitely don't want to be going to get tablets with my mum after I took an OD that she knows about. So I'm stuck with the thoughts and voices and everything that goes with it.. I hate it! Glad you've found a way to make it easier for you though

Wish I could get over my fear of taking meds. I know it sounds stupid that I'm scared of the drs poisoning me when I am going to ctb anyway.. but I want to ctb on my terms in my own way..

Could it be possible for your mom to handle the medicine, that way she doesn't have to worry that you OD, and then you can still try to combat your sleeplessness.

I believe you can be honest about your sleep problems without causing them to smoother you.

Though it sounds like you suffer from a bit of paranoia, so I hope this solution is within your reach.

 

[Anon2662]

I always have to pretend everything is alright, because most of the people won't simply understand me.
I have one question to you, maybe a little bit silly, but have you tried olanzapine?
It won't make a big difference in the long run, but can be good during your hallucinations.
Sorry, you have to live with this...

Exactly! or they won't believe me. I had one vile MH worker who after freaking out that I was so ill and failing to get me sectioned, did a complete 360 and tried to say I was making symptoms up. Not too long after this I ended up back under the crisis team where I have 2 nurses I trust and like and they took me seriously and tried to help. Problem is crisis team are only temporary.. I poured boiling kettle water over me when my self harming was escalating but was discharged 2 weeks later to the recovery team where that very same vile person works. Saw their psychologist who was really worried and wanted me in for an assessment the next day, I missed a phone call and next time I had an appointment I saw said vile woman and shock, they discharged me without ever having the assessment. 15 months later I'm worse than I was then, now pretty much housebound and living in constant fear of the stuff going on in my head and the voices I can hear. But later found out she was actually involved in the plot against me. Professionals can't be trusted for me. The only way out is to ctb.
Im pretty sure I've had olanzapine in the past.. I've had a fair few meds but haven't taken anything in over a year because I don't trust them not to poison it. (Sorry for the further rant)

Wow. I relate to this post on a spiritual level. Yes, it's so hard to fall asleep because all I will think about is the craziness in my head. And yes again, it is so draining trying to act okay in front of friends and family. I'm at a dinner right now and it is so hard just to seem okay. I just want to run out of here and never come back. I can't move I feel like shit and I resonate with this post so much. Ugh, I'm so tired...

I've cut all contact with all but 4 friends (2 of which we maybe text every 3/4 months so not in regular contact) because I have no interest in seeing them anymore and the effort it takes is just too much.. I know what you mean about feeling so tired though!

Could it be possible for your mom to handle the medicine, that way she doesn't have to worry that you OD, and then you can still try to combat your sleeplessness.

I believe you can be honest about your sleep problems without causing them to smoother you.

Though it sounds like you suffer from a bit of paranoia, so I hope this solution is within your reach.

I don't trust mum to get the meds. Not that I think she'd harm me, but she doesn't know about their plot against me and so would be naive to what they gave her. :( Thanks for the suggestion though. I appreciate it

 

[squirtsoda]

Also for the OP, melatonin as @MysticPerception mentioned is a natural remedy and it is not a drug if that makes you feel better about taking it. Would be exceedingly difficult to OD or be poisoned by that. Have you tried it?

 

[faust]

@Anon2662 I think if doctors are not supposed to help you, then you have to change doctors as soon as possible, otherwise this may put you even in deeper trouble. I am glad they did not manage to ruin your health and did not make you dependent on some serious medication. I don't take anything too, I just don't want to experience something severe. I want to find peace. Even if I am extremely depressed and other aspects of my mental health are in a deep hole, this is still better than having horrific side effects which may lead to impulsive CTB.

 

[Anon2662]

I apologise. I know I'm messed up.. just needed to vent a bit which also seems to be distracting me from the voices I'm currently hearing so win win I suppose! @squirtsoda no I haven't tried it.. will look into it! If I can get it online I may consider it. Thanks @MysticPerception :)

@Anon2662 I think if doctors are not supposed to help you, then you have to change doctors as soon as possible, otherwise this may put you even in deeper trouble. I am glad they did not manage to ruin your health and did not make you dependent on some serious medication. I don't take anything too, I just don't want to experience something severe. I want to find peace. Even if I am extremely depressed and other aspects of my mental health are in a deep hole, this is still better than having horrific side effects which may lead to impulsive CTB.

I haven't seen a doctor now since April when she called the police on me, then was under the crisis team until end of May and since then, nothing. Which is for the best as they can't be trusted. One less thing to stress about. I just want peace too. For me that will only come when I ctb which I'm looking forward to greatly!

 

[MysticPerception]

I apologise. I know I'm messed up.. just needed to vent a bit which also seems to be distracting me from the voices I'm currently hearing so win win I suppose! @squirtsoda no I haven't tried it.. will look into it! If I can get it online I may consider it. Thanks @MysticPerception :)

I haven't seen a doctor now since April when she called the police on me, then was under the crisis team until end of May and since then, nothing. Which is for the best as they can't be trusted. One less thing to stress about. I just want peace too. For me that will only come when I ctb which I'm looking forward to greatly!

Glad I can help if I did. They really help me sleep and I don't even take a full pill I just take about 1/4th of a pill and I'm ready for bed an hour later. It's not perfect but it's infinitely better than being stuck awake.

 

[mesohappy]

Sorry about all you are dealing with..It may sound trivial but can I ask,how is your activity level?Do you get much exercise during the day? It sound simple and stupid but since I have been forcing myself to be more active and get out of the house/isolation during the day,my nights have been a bit better,sleep and restfulness wise.

 

[Anon2662]

@mesohappy most days it's a struggle to get out of bed. I did buy an exercise bike because I can go over 6 weeks at a time without going outside and if I do it's just straight to my friends house in their car. I went through a phase of doing an hour a day on the bike to distract me if nothing else, but simply don't have the energy recently. :(

 

[mesohappy]

@mesohappy most days it's a struggle to get out of bed. I did buy an exercise bike because I can go over 6 weeks at a time without going outside and if I do it's just straight to my friends house in their car. I went through a phase of doing an hour a day on the bike to distract me if nothing else, but simply don't have the energy recently. :(

Yeah I didn't at first either,I felt like I was just going to stay curled up in a ball and refuse food and drink till I died..Or end it some other way quiker.But I started back little by little and it has been like a snowball effect.Im still struggling with my "issues" but forcing myself to get out in the fresh air/sunlight and do a little activity everyday has been helping and taking some of the edge off..I hope you can find the will to get back to it.Wish you peace friend.

This place is good and therapuetic/distracting as well.It can be mentally stimulating in a good way.Even provoking positive thoughts,which is totally the opposite of what I expected/came for.Hope you'll hang around for awhile.

 

[Anon2662]

Yeah I didn't at first either,I felt like I was just going to stay curled up in a ball and refuse food and drink till I died..Or end it some other way quiker.But I started back little by little and it has been like a snowball effect.Im still struggling with my "issues" but forcing myself to get out in the fresh air/sunlight and do a little activity everyday has been helping and taking some of the edge off..I hope you can find the will to get back to it.Wish you peace friend.

This place is good and therapuetic/distracting as well.It can be mentally stimulating in a good way.Even provoking positive thoughts,which is totally the opposite of what I expected/came for.Hope you'll hang around for awhile.

Yeah I've not been out of the house on my own for many months now. The thought of it can set off a panic attack.. it's vile! I'm happy to just stay indoors where it's safer until I can get the stuff i need to ctb. Just generally struggle more at night times in the meantime which sucks! Glad to hear things are slowly getting better for you! Hope it all continues to improve Definitely glad I found this place! Very informative but also distracting. And full of lovely, caring people

 

[littlelady774]

Man I hate night times! The voices and rushing, bad, jumbled thoughts always seem so much louder/worse. I reckon it's because everyone else is sleeping and peaceful but I can't sleep and it's soooo frustrating! I find my paranoia gets massively worse too for some strange reason.. that feeling of being watched and spied on increases so much and I'm not sure why.. and I can't even take sleeping tablets to just knock me out because I don't trust the drs not to poison me. I reckon it's also because I'm trying to put on a front to my family that I'm okay. (After they found out about a failed attempt they were very concerned and almost smothering and I don't want that again!) but pretending to be 'okay' is sooo draining and then when I'm on my own all the pent up emotions seem to come flooding out. I mean, they know I'm not well as I rarely leave the house and never do on my own.. but they have no clue I don't think that I'm soon to ctb. Anyone else feel like they have to pretend to be okay to family members or find it difficult at night?
I apologise for the rant just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere..

Yes. I feel the exact same way right now. I just had to take a walk around my building because I feel all jittery and anxious. I just want ctb so bad :( I feel trapped and like it's long overdue

 

[Epsilon0]

Nights are terrible for me as well.

I can never sleep with curtains because I need to see a star, or a cloud, or just the dark sky. Otherwise the loneliness and feeling of dread drown me completely.

Looking out the window while laying in bed is the one thing that makes my nights bearable.

 

[Lady Lazarus 2020]

Yes. I feel the exact same way right now. I just had to take a walk around my building because I feel all jittery and anxious. I just want ctb so bad :( I feel trapped and like it's long overdue

I feel SO TRAPPED too.

Nights are terrible for me as well.

I can never sleep with curtains because I need to see a star, or a cloud, or just the dark sky. Otherwise the loneliness and feeling of dread drown me completely.

Looking out the window while laying in bed is the one thing that makes my nights bearable.

WYD?

 

[issyishere]

I feel you man, im currently up vomiting my guts out cause of my condition, praying for something in the universe to kill me. So used to pain it's 2nd nature. Hope you all are sleeping well, maybe sleep in a little more for me pretty please?

 

[Anon2662]

@littlelady856 i feel trapped too and it's an awful feeling! :(
@Epsilon0 i can't even have my curtains and blinds open because of being spied on.. I really am in a prison in my own home :( Glad to hear you've found something that helps you though :)
@issyishere oh no! That's sounds horrid! Know what you mean about something in the universe killing you. That would solve all my problems as then it would be out of my hands so my family wouldn't blame themselves..

 

[SettOne1994]

that feeling of being watched and spied

i thought i was the only one

 

[Anon2662]

that feeling of being watched and spied

i thought i was the only one

Nope! The problem is if it were randomers doing it I could go to the police but they're part of the people doing it. just don't know what I did to make them plot against me although I have my theories

 

[Sensei]

I wish I could trust the professionals to not poison me but I can't, so refuse any meds.

You can always try herbs. A tea on white sage knocks me out. Passion flower isn't bad either. They are stronger than one might think.

 

[SettOne1994]

Nope! The problem is if it were randomers doing it I could go to the police but they're part of the people doing it. just don't know what I did to make them plot against me although I have my theories

i have this theory we are multidimensional beings in the sense of , when we say something we can talk about many beliefs we have at the same time including the enviroment or other people. This is where you hear others speak about you and understand what you are about that moment. Dont leave it to the supernatural ,human beings are poetic too

 

[dlee]

Man I hate night times! The voices and rushing, bad, jumbled thoughts always seem so much louder/worse. I reckon it's because everyone else is sleeping and peaceful but I can't sleep and it's soooo frustrating! I find my paranoia gets massively worse too for some strange reason.. that feeling of being watched and spied on increases so much and I'm not sure why.. and I can't even take sleeping tablets to just knock me out because I don't trust the drs not to poison me. I reckon it's also because I'm trying to put on a front to my family that I'm okay. (After they found out about a failed attempt they were very concerned and almost smothering and I don't want that again!) but pretending to be 'okay' is sooo draining and then when I'm on my own all the pent up emotions seem to come flooding out. I mean, they know I'm not well as I rarely leave the house and never do on my own.. but they have no clue I don't think that I'm soon to ctb. Anyone else feel like they have to pretend to be okay to family members or find it difficult at night?
I apologise for the rant just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere..

yes i know exactly how you feel, laying alone in the dark, paranoya and depression seem to really hit hard in the quietness of it... and i have nightmares wich seem to perfectly taunt me and know how to make me feel the most pain when i finally do get to sleep... then i wake up to what has become the living hell of my life, ive lost my family... most important thing that brought me so much happiness wants nothing to do with me.. god i cant wait to CTB

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Anyone else feel like they have to pretend to be okay to family members or find it difficult at night?

My family can no longer deal with my issues, I'm mostly put aside and ignored. I barely sleep due to medical reasons and the exhaustion is taking cumulative toll. Night should be a time of peace and recuperation. Instead its a time of anguish and fear. This can break even the strongest of people.

 

[Anon2662]

My family can no longer deal with my issues, I'm mostly put aside and ignored. I barely sleep due to medical reasons and the exhaustion is taking cumulative toll. Night should be a time of peace and recuperation. Instead its a time of anguish and fear. This can break even the strongest of people.

I find night time a time of anguish and fear too and it's horrible :(

yes i know exactly how you feel, laying alone in the dark, paranoya and depression seem to really hit hard in the quietness of it... and i have nightmares wich seem to perfectly taunt me and know how to make me feel the most pain when i finally do get to sleep... then i wake up to what has become the living hell of my life, ive lost my family... most important thing that brought me so much happiness wants nothing to do with me.. god i cant wait to CTB

Oh don't get me started on the nightmares! Luckily I don't have them every time I sleep, but when I do... I get them bad! And then that really sets the 'mood' for when I wake up! I can't wait either. It's soothing researching knowing it won't be much longer..

i have this theory we are multidimensional beings in the sense of , when we say something we can talk about many beliefs we have at the same time including the enviroment or other people. This is where you hear others speak about you and understand what you are about that moment. Dont leave it to the supernatural ,human beings are poetic too

I don't know about poetic, but human beings can certainly be taunting and horrible. (Disclaimer: not all!)

 

[highlyvolatile]

Man I hate night times! The voices and rushing, bad, jumbled thoughts always seem so much louder/worse. I reckon it's because everyone else is sleeping and peaceful but I can't sleep and it's soooo frustrating! I find my paranoia gets massively worse too for some strange reason.. that feeling of being watched and spied on increases so much and I'm not sure why.. and I can't even take sleeping tablets to just knock me out because I don't trust the drs not to poison me. I reckon it's also because I'm trying to put on a front to my family that I'm okay. (After they found out about a failed attempt they were very concerned and almost smothering and I don't want that again!) but pretending to be 'okay' is sooo draining and then when I'm on my own all the pent up emotions seem to come flooding out. I mean, they know I'm not well as I rarely leave the house and never do on my own.. but they have no clue I don't think that I'm soon to ctb. Anyone else feel like they have to pretend to be okay to family members or find it difficult at night?
I apologise for the rant just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere..

I definitely relate to this a lot. Having to pretend to be ok and it being more difficult at night. I usually stay up until 3 or 4 am and wake up multiple times throughout. But when I am sleep, im happy. If I could sleep for months or weeks I would. i only just struggle getting to sleep. And its a definite struggle trying to maintain a face or a look after youve attempted or told people youre suicidal. I told two close friends and I can tell they care, but maybe I shouldve kept quiet. I'm still going before the years end. Idk if sleeping tablets work. Ive tried sleepytime tea too. Idk i find tjat my mind keeps me up thinking and overthinking things. Wondering about thingd I shouldnt be thinking up weird scenarios. But i usually dont do anything during tthat time either.

 

[Anon2662]

@highlyvolatile exactly! I really struggle having to pretend I'm okay, some days more than others. I'm grateful I have my mum and sister, but there's a warped part of me that wishes I had no family because things would be much easier (in terms of ctb) Having said that I'd be on the streets if it weren't for my mum, so I know how lucky I am and do feel for people who have absolutely no one in that sense! But yeah night times I always seem to struggle with wayyyy more. My emotions seem even more heightened, get stronger urges to do myself harm, even the voices I hear seem more intense/louder but then that's because I've made a deal with them to not speak to me as much in the day so that my mum doesn't realise and then I'll listen to them at night.. sorry to hear you're struggling so much at night too! I'm always up till at least 3/4am UK time, so if you're ever struggling or just want a distracting chat, you can always message me :)