Venting Ugh being honest about suicidality SUCKS.

[Livingvsdying25]

I responded to my freind bc she messaged me again and was all worried and such and not aware if I'm alive or not so I thought well whatever right? Might as well.

Cue the emotional dump of the truth I've been keeping in. Just long story short told her I'm done and just better to think of me as dead. Plus some likeeee I dunno inclinations into my deterioration... shit like that. How im doing the struggles whatever.

UGH. Just was depressing and frustrating bc whats the fucking point of sharing anything thats going on and why the fuck can't I just be short with words I feel embarrassed and it was text not another app where I could delete it. But whatever. This should be the final nail in my coffin. I'm beyond any help or saving. Hopefully this gets her to just abandon me and see I'm beyond anyones help and like more trouble than I'm ever worth.



Urghh I HATE MYSELF RN. More than I've ever tbh.


But I can't im so triggered rn got one drink I'm about to chug and some more on the way. I can't handle this shit and on the verge of either cutting or dissociating. So instead of those... tho the dissociation isn't the worst of the bunch and will probs happen anyway... I'm just gonna drink & read. And dissociate but not heavily.



Hopefully this is the last of my connections to this earth. Honestly I'm a fucking piece of trash and everyone needs to dump me. So much shame rn but also I'm numb so it's minimal even tho it's also deep. Whatever.... ugh I can't wait to die. September the latest is my goal.

 

[neardeath]

I dont have much to say but I feel the same. i realized theres no point in telling friends too much about it because ive exhausted all the options and at this point im just spreading pain. i try my best to keep to myself, i realize i need to be high or i will be impulsive and embarrass myself

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I responded to my freind bc she messaged me again and was all worried and such and not aware if I'm alive or not so I thought well whatever right? Might as well.

Cue the emotional dump of the truth I've been keeping in. Just long story short told her I'm done and just better to think of me as dead. Plus some likeeee I dunno inclinations into my deterioration... shit like that. How im doing the struggles whatever.

UGH. Just was depressing and frustrating bc whats the fucking point of sharing anything thats going on and why the fuck can't I just be short with words I feel embarrassed and it was text not another app where I could delete it. But whatever. This should be the final nail in my coffin. I'm beyond any help or saving. Hopefully this gets her to just abandon me and see I'm beyond anyones help and like more trouble than I'm ever worth.



Urghh I HATE MYSELF RN. More than I've ever tbh.


But I can't im so triggered rn got one drink I'm about to chug and some more on the way. I can't handle this shit and on the verge of either cutting or dissociating. So instead of those... tho the dissociation isn't the worst of the bunch and will probs happen anyway... I'm just gonna drink & read. And dissociate but not heavily.



Hopefully this is the last of my connections to this earth. Honestly I'm a fucking piece of trash and everyone needs to dump me. So much shame rn but also I'm numb so it's minimal even tho it's also deep. Whatever.... ugh I can't wait to die. September the latest is my goal.

Yeah it's been about an hour and yeahh I did write a lot of heavy shit but I think it's safe to say I officially chased off my biggest friend. No response. as she should. Im worthless in every sense of the word anyway and I stressed how much I'm not wanting or needing help or support from anyone anyway.


Today I MIGHT order a poutine and ice cream. Then starve until Saturday for the rest of the week. But we shall see. There's no particular point in eating today. Or starving today so it's really just up to me.


I hate bodily functions & needs and have since I was younger. So denying them feels good to me. I don't expect anyone to understand.


anyway with my last connection done this dying process should be a lil easier. Maybe? Whatever I'm already dead and it's best if everyone around me comes to that revelation. And just leaves me to die. Not sad like im the past just ok with it.

 

[peelingbananas]

I responded to my freind bc she messaged me again and was all worried and such and not aware if I'm alive or not so I thought well whatever right? Might as well.

Cue the emotional dump of the truth I've been keeping in. Just long story short told her I'm done and just better to think of me as dead. Plus some likeeee I dunno inclinations into my deterioration... shit like that. How im doing the struggles whatever.

UGH. Just was depressing and frustrating bc whats the fucking point of sharing anything thats going on and why the fuck can't I just be short with words I feel embarrassed and it was text not another app where I could delete it. But whatever. This should be the final nail in my coffin. I'm beyond any help or saving. Hopefully this gets her to just abandon me and see I'm beyond anyones help and like more trouble than I'm ever worth.



Urghh I HATE MYSELF RN. More than I've ever tbh.


But I can't im so triggered rn got one drink I'm about to chug and some more on the way. I can't handle this shit and on the verge of either cutting or dissociating. So instead of those... tho the dissociation isn't the worst of the bunch and will probs happen anyway... I'm just gonna drink & read. And dissociate but not heavily.



Hopefully this is the last of my connections to this earth. Honestly I'm a fucking piece of trash and everyone needs to dump me. So much shame rn but also I'm numb so it's minimal even tho it's also deep. Whatever.... ugh I can't wait to die. September the latest is my goal.

how long ago was this? could there be a chance they're still just processing it possibly?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Yeah it's been about an hour and yeahh I did write a lot of heavy shit but I think it's safe to say I officially chased off my biggest friend. No response. as she should. Im worthless in every sense of the word anyway and I stressed how much I'm not wanting or needing help or support from anyone anyway.


Today I MIGHT order a poutine and ice cream. Then starve until Saturday for the rest of the week. But we shall see. There's no particular point in eating today. Or starving today so it's really just up to me.


I hate bodily functions & needs and have since I was younger. So denying them feels good to me. I don't expect anyone to understand.


anyway with my last connection done this dying process should be a lil easier. Maybe? Whatever I'm already dead and it's best if everyone around me comes to that revelation. And just leaves me to die. Not sad like im the past just ok with it.

She replied with some shit about acknowledging my pain and that im alone and that she's here for me in whatever way that means. And that it helps her to kno where im at / how im doing.

It just pissed me off tbh. So I replied saying whats the point? How does it help me for u to kno how im doing or where im at? Im still alone anyway.

Then just said some shit about me going out without a bang or much enjoyment so I don't want anyone to check in with me. Like wtf is the point if im just still alone. Wtf is the point if it just makes me feel that level of alone deep in my chest in this painful fucking feeling.


Fuck I don't want this life anymore or any fucking part of it. I haven't had any sexual encounter in 3 yrs and romantic even longer. Not saying its the end all be all of living but im going out gorging on take out and watching anime & podcasts for laughs. It's already pathetic & lonely enough I don't need anyone's pity to remind me of that.


Im so annoyed bc prior to checking these messages I just felt the like depth of my lonely heart within this. I don't need anyone's care to be a reminder of that. Even if someone cares im still alone and will be till the day I die.

Then again the last fucking nail in the coffin that I NEED. I said I don't need reminders of the life im leaving behind & the people in it and reminder of how alone I am in this..I said to let me go and leave me be.

I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore. I feel like crying rn. But what's the point.

how long ago was this? could there be a chance they're still just processing it possibly?

See above. Im letting them go/ sending them away. I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore.

She replied with some shit about acknowledging my pain and that im alone and that she's here for me in whatever way that means. And that it helps her to kno where im at / how im doing.

It just pissed me off tbh. So I replied saying whats the point? How does it help me for u to kno how im doing or where im at? Im still alone anyway.

Then just said some shit about me going out without a bang or much enjoyment so I don't want anyone to check in with me. Like wtf is the point if im just still alone. Wtf is the point if it just makes me feel that level of alone deep in my chest in this painful fucking feeling.


Fuck I don't want this life anymore or any fucking part of it. I haven't had any sexual encounter in 3 yrs and romantic even longer. Not saying its the end all be all of living but im going out gorging on take out and watching anime & podcasts for laughs. It's already pathetic & lonely enough I don't need anyone's pity to remind me of that.


Im so annoyed bc prior to checking these messages I just felt the like depth of my lonely heart within this. I don't need anyone's care to be a reminder of that. Even if someone cares im still alone and will be till the day I die.

Then again the last fucking nail in the coffin that I NEED. I said I don't need reminders of the life im leaving behind & the people in it and reminder of how alone I am in this..I said to let me go and leave me be.

I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore. I feel like crying rn. But what's the point.

See above. Im letting them go/ sending them away. I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore.

Thnx to the horrible adrenaline surges/dumps(google POTS- adrenaline dumps/surges) I've had to get my meds early and had some left over so took more of clonidine and gabapentin. Was reading a book that was a dark romance about a girl that selfharms. Gad to stop in real life romance and even friendships while at my level of mentally fucked up is just asking for abusers and I don't have capacity anyway or want anyone.

It's just upsetting im near tears but if I start I will never stop or the emptiness will eat at me so severely. I can't handle that tonight or at all. That's why I need her to let me go.

Who knew ending my life would be so fucking depressing but here we are. I thought maybe some relief would come within this but nah.


I'm done & that's fine. It's lonely and alienating but that's just how it is. Now god I just hope I can fucking get to sleep soon. The misery is mounting and I can't handle feelings much anymore.


I won't be eating tonight so I can get some good sleep and sleep the rest of this week. Tmrw will needa maybe do laundry we shall see. Otherwise im sleeping this week on no food. That's just how I want it.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So sorry for your pain. If you have a method I wouldn't disclose it. If you tell her she might let law enforcement know.

 

[neardeath]

She replied with some shit about acknowledging my pain and that im alone and that she's here for me in whatever way that means. And that it helps her to kno where im at / how im doing.

It just pissed me off tbh. So I replied saying whats the point? How does it help me for u to kno how im doing or where im at? Im still alone anyway.

Then just said some shit about me going out without a bang or much enjoyment so I don't want anyone to check in with me. Like wtf is the point if im just still alone. Wtf is the point if it just makes me feel that level of alone deep in my chest in this painful fucking feeling.


Fuck I don't want this life anymore or any fucking part of it. I haven't had any sexual encounter in 3 yrs and romantic even longer. Not saying its the end all be all of living but im going out gorging on take out and watching anime & podcasts for laughs. It's already pathetic & lonely enough I don't need anyone's pity to remind me of that.


Im so annoyed bc prior to checking these messages I just felt the like depth of my lonely heart within this. I don't need anyone's care to be a reminder of that. Even if someone cares im still alone and will be till the day I die.

Then again the last fucking nail in the coffin that I NEED. I said I don't need reminders of the life im leaving behind & the people in it and reminder of how alone I am in this..I said to let me go and leave me be.

I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore. I feel like crying rn. But what's the point.

See above. Im letting them go/ sending them away. I can't do this interpersonal shit anymore.

Thnx to the horrible adrenaline surges/dumps(google POTS- adrenaline dumps/surges) I've had to get my meds early and had some left over so took more of clonidine and gabapentin. Was reading a book that was a dark romance about a girl that selfharms. Gad to stop in real life romance and even friendships while at my level of mentally fucked up is just asking for abusers and I don't have capacity anyway or want anyone.

It's just upsetting im near tears but if I start I will never stop or the emptiness will eat at me so severely. I can't handle that tonight or at all. That's why I need her to let me go.

Who knew ending my life would be so fucking depressing but here we are. I thought maybe some relief would come within this but nah.


I'm done & that's fine. It's lonely and alienating but that's just how it is. Now god I just hope I can fucking get to sleep soon. The misery is mounting and I can't handle feelings much anymore.


I won't be eating tonight so I can get some good sleep and sleep the rest of this week. Tmrw will needa maybe do laundry we shall see. Otherwise im sleeping this week on no food. That's just how I want it.

This is also super relatable. I've never had a romantic or sexual relationship in my life. I feel alienated from everyone and every conversation because I'm trans and autistic. I feel extremely alone and wish someone could just love me. I just wanted to say I know you're hurting. I dont know if theres any way out. I hope you find some distraction from the hell that is life. I support your anime binges and takeout.