Venting TW ed, pa/sa, and feeling hopeless

[BustOrBust]

I have an eating disorder that's very much related to my partner's porn use (he was an addict) and betrayal trauma surrounding it. He especially liked thin women with very large breasts. He's gone to therapy and made a lot of improvements but the damage to my self image is done.

I've restricted and exercise-purged enough to lose about 20lbs now and while the weight loss does improve my appearance, now stretch marks and a loss of firmness seperate me from looking like the porn stars. One problem fixed is a new problem created.

"It's an unrealistic goal, beauty fades, you should find peace with how you are" I cannot express to you how much I actually don't care and how useless words like that are. I don't WANT to find peace in being less desirable to the only one who matters to me. No, it's not graceful to accept defeat like that, it's sad. And even if it fades, he would remember having what he wants, and that I was the one who could be that. That I was capable of it. It would always be me in his mind like that, not them.

But I actually am defeated. Even with estrogenic and anti-androgenic supplements, projesterone cream, sulfur tablets for collagen, lifting exercises, retinols, hyaluronic acid, etc. my chest is shrinking and sagging. By the time I could save for a surgical option, my collagen and marks and ageing would be even worse. I'll never feel perfect like that in his hands.

"This is so shallow, some of us have real problems" bite a greasy turd. Anyone with an ED, dysmorphia, and/or betrayal trauma knows how all-consuming it is. Sure, this early in, I'm still hoping for a miracle. But if I can't change and reach my goals, I can't imagine how I'll go on 40-60 more years knowing I was ~almost~ as good as porn.

 

[iwannaenditfinally]

I totally get ur situation, exept the porn part. My father fell for my mum when she was the skinniest (she was bulimic) and ever since she recovered he loved her less and less. Until it was that hard even to have sex with her. after a year of being discusted of her body he finally decided they will get divorced and in that time i was 9. And hearing my own mum sayin 'daddy does not like mum that much bcs she gained weight' it manifested into my anorexia that i have til now. my brain rn is like 'the more skinny and myb someone would finally love me, right?' also hearing my single mum saying almost every day 'i need to lose some more weight' is just ridiculous.
if u need to im always here if u need someone to talk about it ok? <3
-R

 

[hellispink]

Someone has to say it, it doesn't matter if you look like a model with the most skinny beautiful breast and shiny beautiful skin, he won't love you or care enough not to hurt you. People who don't respect themselves or love themselves , you cannot expect them to give it to you. You are just killing yourself to be perfect when no one will ever get to that and even if you do it wont ever be enough. The only person who decides if its enough is you, not other people. Yeah it may sound like oh i have heard this before. But its the truth. Doesnt matter how much it bother us to hear it .its up to you if you wanna live a life like a slave trying to be perfect for others and just being miserable in the process. Only you can change it no one else. As long as you keep it you will continue to be very unhappy. Sad but its how lt works

 

[BustOrBust]

Someone has to say it, it doesn't matter if you look like a model with the most skinny beautiful breast and shiny beautiful skin, he won't love you or care enough not to hurt you. People who don't respect themselves or love themselves , you cannot expect them to give it to you. You are just killing yourself to be perfect when no one will ever get to that and even if you do it wont ever be enough. The only person who decides if its enough is you, not other people. Yeah it may sound like oh i have heard this before. But its the truth. Doesnt matter how much it bother us to hear it .its up to you if you wanna live a life like a slave trying to be perfect for others and just being miserable in the process. Only you can change it no one else. As long as you keep it you will continue to be very unhappy. Sad but its how lt works

Honestly if I didn't have this goal I think I would've already ctb. All of this was the catalyst for many realizations about just how deeply saturated with misogyny our society is amongst other things. Makes it feel like a place not worth staying in

 

[Yuta32]

I understand you, it's mentally difficult and complicated. I suffer from erectile dysfunction, my partner left me, and I have traumas. Even now, I don't like myself physically. I loathe myself. Phew, I think that feeling is something no one understands, not even oneself. I make an effort, put in work, exercise, go to therapy, find new hobbies, but I think I'm going through the same thing as you. We do it all for a person who left us, who betrayed us. Doesn't that make you feel even worse? Why is it that way for me But you're unable to do it for yourself because you detest yourself, and it's an endless cycle without a happy ending.