** TW: Abuse, I'm truly sorry if this is upsetting, it isn't my intention**
Growing up he'd been impatient, never really physical (He'd grab the back of my neck like the scruff of a dog when I'd act out of line, that's literally the only thing I can think of), but he'd always been manipulative and used to gaslight me by using my autism as a tool to convince me I didn't know what I was talking about.
Now, I see the red flag there, it is clear, but I'd been on and off considering forgetting it since my autism does in fact impede my social abilities. So *Shrug*
But I wondered why I couldn't just move on, so I texted my mother. She'd shared some stories about how he'd stepped over the line a few times, but nothing clear cut, even she was skeptical. The only thing I can think of though, is he'd been in the navy while they were married, he'd been under the impression (The dumbass he is, I do say that lovingly) that they couldn't divorce unless he and a chaplain signed off, and he wouldn't do that unless she cheated..
*The gang cheats on dad*
He divorces her, takes me, I grow up with him, and for the most part it's a great childhood. Except he blew a socket every chance he got. At several points in my life I'd tried to discuss it with him, but for one reason or another he'd brush me aside, or use the autism again.
I asked my mother tonight, if he'd been abusive, from all the things I'd shared. How during a period of 6 months where I'd refused to speak to him, I felt absolutely clear minded and wanted that again. And she confirmed he was, now, I am sure I'm not very subtle here, but keep in mind over 29 years I have maybe about 5 years of memories that stand out for sure, so this is an abridged version of my life story.
She confirmed that he was absolutely abusive, and she realized it when during a trip I took with him to Arizona, I shared a story about how I was writing a short film using something from my past trauma as a narrative tool. He felt it was a personal attack, which it wasn't at all, and shouted "Oh waaaahhh my dad made fun of me once, 20 years ago and I can't let it go!" Well I didn't really let it go, that was 4 years ago, I still think of that as the moment I knew I couldn't actually trust him.
I tried convincing myself I was making it up, that it was just me, that I could in fact move on from this without anything really changing and could 'right the ship.' so to speak. So her answer came as both a shock and welcome revelation. I feel vindicated almost, i hope this helps the depression.
So TL;DR, asked my mother if my father was abusive through my upbringing, she surprised me by saying yes, and I feel pretty ok about this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know you're a stranger, but in this brief moment of euphoria I'd like to say I love you guys
Growing up he'd been impatient, never really physical (He'd grab the back of my neck like the scruff of a dog when I'd act out of line, that's literally the only thing I can think of), but he'd always been manipulative and used to gaslight me by using my autism as a tool to convince me I didn't know what I was talking about.
Now, I see the red flag there, it is clear, but I'd been on and off considering forgetting it since my autism does in fact impede my social abilities. So *Shrug*
But I wondered why I couldn't just move on, so I texted my mother. She'd shared some stories about how he'd stepped over the line a few times, but nothing clear cut, even she was skeptical. The only thing I can think of though, is he'd been in the navy while they were married, he'd been under the impression (The dumbass he is, I do say that lovingly) that they couldn't divorce unless he and a chaplain signed off, and he wouldn't do that unless she cheated..
*The gang cheats on dad*
He divorces her, takes me, I grow up with him, and for the most part it's a great childhood. Except he blew a socket every chance he got. At several points in my life I'd tried to discuss it with him, but for one reason or another he'd brush me aside, or use the autism again.
I asked my mother tonight, if he'd been abusive, from all the things I'd shared. How during a period of 6 months where I'd refused to speak to him, I felt absolutely clear minded and wanted that again. And she confirmed he was, now, I am sure I'm not very subtle here, but keep in mind over 29 years I have maybe about 5 years of memories that stand out for sure, so this is an abridged version of my life story.
She confirmed that he was absolutely abusive, and she realized it when during a trip I took with him to Arizona, I shared a story about how I was writing a short film using something from my past trauma as a narrative tool. He felt it was a personal attack, which it wasn't at all, and shouted "Oh waaaahhh my dad made fun of me once, 20 years ago and I can't let it go!" Well I didn't really let it go, that was 4 years ago, I still think of that as the moment I knew I couldn't actually trust him.
I tried convincing myself I was making it up, that it was just me, that I could in fact move on from this without anything really changing and could 'right the ship.' so to speak. So her answer came as both a shock and welcome revelation. I feel vindicated almost, i hope this helps the depression.
So TL;DR, asked my mother if my father was abusive through my upbringing, she surprised me by saying yes, and I feel pretty ok about this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know you're a stranger, but in this brief moment of euphoria I'd like to say I love you guys
