jenny6391bubbles
a hikikomori waiting to catch the bus
- Mar 1, 2021
- 104
If you look at my post history, I got assaulted some time last year in April after being extremely self-destructive. It was a mistake I'll never do again for sure, but very few people reacted in a comforting manner when I opened up about it. The first person I really opened up to was extremely comforting and if he were not the first person I talked to, I probably would've killed myself last year and I would've missed out on all the wonderful people I've met in the past two years. His words and presence were enough to counter all the things I disliked hearing and all the negative thoughts I had about myself. Many people victim blamed me, but I think and I knew that I victim blamed myself the most.
One of these people I opened up to was a professor I had back in high school and me being somewhat of an outcast in high school, I ended up being close to several teachers. Most of them good, except for this professor I'll tell you about. I opened up to him about what happened and he basically victim blamed me, saying I should've been MORE CAREFUL in all caps. His words gave me so much anxiety, self-hatred, and depression to the point I needed additional therapy and counseling on top of what I already had. For more than a year, I hated myself so much. I saw myself as damaged and I feared that people I loved and cared about that didn't know that part of my lore or whatever would see me as damaged. A fucked-up girl who hated herself and would compensate by trying to achieve as many things as possible so that people would overlook that fact she's made stupid mistakes in the past and that her brain is all fucked-up.
I don't see myself as self-destructive and fucked up anymore, but I definitely did last year and earlier this year.
Recently, a friend told me in exchange for disclosing something personal that there was a professor who confessed to one of my friends back in high school (he confessed to her WHILE she was still in high school). When they described what that specific professor looked like, I realized that was the professor who heavily victim blamed me. I am filled with so much anger and frustration because I had been hating myself especially because of what that professor told me, only to find out he's like the men I so heavily disliked. Someone who's supposedly a devout Christian and he's like this? I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. And I'm so sad that the past me hated herself so much over a man's words -- a man who was a creep and has no right to tell me I wasn't careful enough when he was a creep to my friend.
I wish we lived in a better world.
One of these people I opened up to was a professor I had back in high school and me being somewhat of an outcast in high school, I ended up being close to several teachers. Most of them good, except for this professor I'll tell you about. I opened up to him about what happened and he basically victim blamed me, saying I should've been MORE CAREFUL in all caps. His words gave me so much anxiety, self-hatred, and depression to the point I needed additional therapy and counseling on top of what I already had. For more than a year, I hated myself so much. I saw myself as damaged and I feared that people I loved and cared about that didn't know that part of my lore or whatever would see me as damaged. A fucked-up girl who hated herself and would compensate by trying to achieve as many things as possible so that people would overlook that fact she's made stupid mistakes in the past and that her brain is all fucked-up.
I don't see myself as self-destructive and fucked up anymore, but I definitely did last year and earlier this year.
Recently, a friend told me in exchange for disclosing something personal that there was a professor who confessed to one of my friends back in high school (he confessed to her WHILE she was still in high school). When they described what that specific professor looked like, I realized that was the professor who heavily victim blamed me. I am filled with so much anger and frustration because I had been hating myself especially because of what that professor told me, only to find out he's like the men I so heavily disliked. Someone who's supposedly a devout Christian and he's like this? I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. And I'm so sad that the past me hated herself so much over a man's words -- a man who was a creep and has no right to tell me I wasn't careful enough when he was a creep to my friend.
I wish we lived in a better world.
