T
Trans Magus
Member
- Mar 8, 2021
- 49
Here's what I wrote the day I got out of the psych ward.
Since then, I've felt like total shit about alienating the enby, (60-80% gotten over it, though). I've felt suicidal a lot since then. Keep wavering between starting a fast for SN and breaking it because a friend says something nice. It's really hard just trying to survive when none of the reasons, the poverty, the being transgender, the social isolation, have been alleviated since then. Sometimes I think I'd be better off just living in an institution for the rest of my life.
What about you guys? What were your experiences with the psych ward like?
Got back from a psych ward. Thought I'd type up my entire experience and see what other people have to say.
So I broke down and was planning on killing myself. I figured I'd try something I haven't done before to change things and decided to check myself into a psych ward. I E-mailed my case manager at my mental health clinic and asked what the procedure was. (This was at 3 AM.) Around five or six hours later, she called me, told me about a crisis center and, when I said I don't have transportation beyond my bike or Uber, straight up drove me there.
I packed my things, she drove me. We arrived, they asked me a bunch of questions about what I was there and my mental health history. I had a lot of trouble giving a urine sample (I have a nervous bladder and the noises and unfamiliar environment made it difficult) but I managed a little bit the third time around. Surprisingly, they also asked about my gender identity and I said "Closeted transgender." They used she/her, as per my request, too. After that, they took my phone and wallet, had me dress in some scrubs (they asked me if I'd be more comfortable with a male or female staff member observing, I said male since I still present that way day to day) I was taken to what's essentially a giant living room.
There were two sections, one for men, one for women. I was put in the one for men, likely because of the aforementioned presentation. I sat there for around eight hours. I was told I was allowed to walk around in a certain area, they'd feed me, et cetera, but there was limited time to use the bathroom before they'd knock on the door. I met two cool people around my age and we talked about video games, primarily. One of them was pretty religious and later on, some people were brought bibles. He was asking the staff about the meanings of certain words. So I ended up explaining certain things, like who the Pharisees and Sadducees were (I wasn't familiar with the latter, but based on the context, I correctly guessed that they were a sect of Jews that adhered to the written word above all else whom Jesus rebuked). A question I found rather striking was, "Why do you know so much about the bible if you don't believe in it?" My reply was "I don't believe in the bible because I know so much about it." I explained how I thought humans made it all up, there's so much cultural context to it, there's the same concepts found in different mythologies, et cetera.
That room was a bit chaotic. Various people came and went. One guy was an asshole who dropped the r-slur, was talking about conspiracy theories and was obviously pretty paranoid. Another was detoxing from fentanyl and I felt so bad for him, having seen what that's like. Definitely never touching opiates, ever. A third was likely schizophrenic, quoting bible scripture, praying, that sort of thing. At one point, he removed his shirt and talked about how he was a hero for fighting off three methheads to save a seven year old. Staff got pissed at him, he leaned against a wall and made lewd gestures at a woman staff member which got him put in a room alone. (I heard her yell something at him in Spanish but I have no idea what.)
One of the women staff members who checked me in asked me to turn off my phone since it kept going off and it asked for a pin when they tried to do it. They also offered to grab one of the paperbacks I brought since the hardcover I brought (Ready Player Two by Ernest Cline) wasn't allowed. They could be used as weapons, apparently. So I asked for Saga of Tanya the Evil 8.
There was also a time when someone started getting belligerant. "What do you need?" a staff member asked. "What I need is for you to STOP FUCKING WITH ME." Three guys grabbed him, they injected him with something, then put him back in his chair around 10 minutes later. He was super out of it so I assume it was a sedative of some kind.
After what I'd say was around eight hours, they told me to get in a wheelchair so they could take me upstairs. I talked with the guy who did it, he was the one who distributed the bibles. We discussed religion a bit, he said that he was raised Catholic but abandoned them after they began condemning homosexuality. I told him I respected him a lot for that, since it's not easy to break away from what you've been taught to do what's right.
But anyway, I went upstairs and it was a lot more peaceful. Mostly women were there of varying ages, but some men, as well. We were given individual rooms and mine was at the end of the hall. I tried not to rubberneck (prison term for looking into rooms as you walk down a hallway) since I figured that it was their own private space and not really my business. Since I had been up for around 25 hours at that point, after everything was sorted, I just crashed. I woke up around four hours later, and for lack of anything else to do, stared out the window, stretched and read my book. Eventually, I felt tired again so I crashed and woke up pretty early.
They took our vitals every day at 7:30, AM and PM, probably to avoid legal liability if one of us was about to have a heart attack. There really wasn't much to do - hang out in the main room and watch shitty TV (Family Guy, the Cleveland Show and Friends were most of what played), chat and occasionally eat. The food sucked. It had meat, which I usually don't eat but given the situation I was in I thought it best not to make a fuss about it. Occasionally, a patient advocate (a name for a previous patient who later got a job at the hospital trying to advocate for the needs of patients) would lead us out to a heavily secured, fenced in patio area.
We listened to music and got some fresh air. At one point I started talking with someone there and learned they were genderfluid and preferred they/them pronouns. They wanted to become a writer and write an LGBT focused book. We chatted about that for a while. They were 19 and just graduated high school. We basically just talked the whole day since we had a lot in common. I got their E-mail address and hid it in my book since I wasn't sure if that was allowed and wasn't about to risk being caught.
Eventually, another 19 year old joined us. And holeeeee shit, he was exhausting. He went on and on and on about Destiny lore, Bionicle lore, D&D lore, cryptocurrencies, Vaush, trying to deradicalize Nazis, LARPing and joking around about making an insurrectionist organization, et cetera. He was alright, though really better in small doses. I ran out of mental energy and got a headache from it.
The enby really liked him, though. Eventually the conversation turned pretty NSFW. About roleplaying, kinks and all that. I tried to go along (my rule is I can't bring that sort of thing up, but I can go along with it, since I always fuck it up if I do). They were laughing and blushing, so I assumed it went well.
The next day, I noticed they were intentionally avoiding me. Using different chairs, going to their room when I was around, et cetera. I was like, fuck, I fucked it all up. So I just gave them their space since I figured pestering them would just make things worse. I talked with the other guy a bit, eventually I dragged it out of him that what I said made them uncomfortable. It fucking sucks because I didn't notice any signals to stop and I didn't really bring anything up first.
I wasn't sure how long I was going to stay but I was informed that I was leaving that day (today, Wednesday, as of this post). I was a bit upset to have left on such a sour note, but there was nothing to be done and I was eager to get the fuck out of there. It was incredibly boring. So, they gave me my shit, I changed and they called a Veyo for me. I went home, went through the 30 messages and other things I missed and tried to contact both of the people I hung out with. The guy, I added on Discord. The enby, I sent them an E-mail saying I'm sorry I made them uncomfortable, I'd like to talk and I enjoyed my time with them but if they wanted to ignore me or tell me to fuck off, I'd understand.
So yeah. Here I am today, with fucking nothing to show for my experience but a Prozac prescription and a follow up appointment with my mental health clinic. I fucked up my opportunity to make cool friends somehow, so here I am, miserable, friendless and posting on Reddit. I figured I'd make this thread to talk about my experience (since I've been bitching to my friends enough, I'd say) and see if anyone has any thoughts or experiences to share. I will say one thing, though - I didn't expect to see today since my sodium nitrite arrived yesterday. I poured it down the drain in front of my mother since I figured she'd prefer I did that.
Can always order more.
Since then, I've felt like total shit about alienating the enby, (60-80% gotten over it, though). I've felt suicidal a lot since then. Keep wavering between starting a fast for SN and breaking it because a friend says something nice. It's really hard just trying to survive when none of the reasons, the poverty, the being transgender, the social isolation, have been alleviated since then. Sometimes I think I'd be better off just living in an institution for the rest of my life.
What about you guys? What were your experiences with the psych ward like?
