Currently I am struggling. Soon I will have my exams and usually my suicidality becomes worse at that time. The inhuman pressure I do to myself gets even way worse. The only reason why I probably not relapse is my addictive medication. I am scared that when my psychiatrist retires noone will trust me enough for it. I think her retirement is not that far in the future. I am already anxious as always.
So this was all negative so far. As I said now after vacation I face all the heavy pressure. I feel angry at my family for abusing me. It is hard to suppress it because the pain is so acute.
This is why I wanted to share some things I tell to myself to comfort me.
It is true I was severely abused as a child and I cannot change that. Though it is not that unlikely that I would have become mentally ill anyway. In my family all men are mentally ill (depression). So even without the abuse my life could have been horrible anyway.
I often hate myself. Sometimes for minor things. But there are things I clearly like about me. Especially when I compare myself to the ignorant morons which are called my family. None of them is self-aware. They live in their naive dream world and are ignorant as fuck. I hate it how my dad always scapegoats vulnerable people for his faults. I am not sure but I have the feeling my mind has become sharper since the illness started. Of course the suffering increased a lot. But my cognitive skills got way way better. It is not unlikely that I would have ended like my relatives without the abuse. Morons who are ignorant as fuck ruining other people's lives and procreate on top of that. Moreover ruining also the lives of their children. My family looks down at vulnerable people. They have not learned anything of our situation. My dad does not feel at any point responsible for that shit. At least this is my feeling.
Honestly if I really became like them without the abuse yes this would be a very positive side effect. I would hate to become like my dad. And I have to say when I was a kid I was somewhat similar to him. I was lazy, ate very unhealthy, were not reflective at all and my congnition was horrible. As a child I watched trash TV shows for hours on a daily basis.
I have to say you can get so much more from life when you find a passion. And I have found passions. Politics, philosophy and some literature. This can give a human so much more than the shallow entertainment that I followed as a kid.
Moreover I am glad I put an end to procreation in my family. I hope very much my sister will do the same. As a kid I wanted to procreate so that my kids can achieve the goals I never reached. So I would have basically done the same horrible shit my mom did to me. So I would have probably ruined more lives.
I like to be self-aware and reflective. As I said as a kid I was horrible at that. I try to reach my full potential concerning my cognitive skills and thnigs I leave behind when I die. I try to accumulate information which feels meaningful for me and I had debates which I enjoyed a lot. I like the threads that I post here and many people gave me very positive feedback. I like that I have found friends with whom I can share everything. My illness clearly strengthened our friendship we shared our deepest secrets since. I think without my illness I would have lost my friends. (Complicated story). So the two psychosis had some good time points. They let me feel unimaginable pain without a doubt. But without my first psychosis at exactly this time point I might have lost my friends. And the second psychosis helped me to end studying a subject at college that I hated. I think without a breakdown I would have never quit voluntarily.
I have met many interesting people in my life due to the fact my life followed an unusual path. I was in so many clinics and had so much time to reflect on my values and what I really want in life. Psychotherapy and literature have helped me to understand myself better. The mental crises helped me to correct my path. It forced me to treat myself better. It forced me to give me more freetime.
I see often this NPC meme in political contexts and I have to say it captures a certain notion which I have perfectly. If I never became ill I would clearly have become such a NPC. Prior to my first breakdown I was a careerist through and through. I followed the rules of capitalism without questioning anything. My psychotic breakdowns were clearly a game changer in that relation. I rethought my goals and values in life because of it.
I think in psychiatry they often say one should give a mental health crisis a meaning. It is hard to find that. And if I could have chosen I would have prefered to learn my lesson in a less painful way. But I have learned from it to a certain extent. I don't say in any form that I liked it. I would have prefered to never exist after all the nightmarish that I have been through. But these existential crises made me more mature and analytical. When I see nightmarish shit on the news I can cope better with that than my friends. Maybe this is not necessarily a good thing maybe I am too numb. But I have seen hell a couple of times in my life and it helps to put things into perspective. Okay I wrote because it sounds cool not because it is true for me personally. I mean I am close to an anxiety attack when I write a usual exam. Lol. Though it is true that I might be more empathic since my breakdowns. I know how it feels to be vulnerable and fragile. And I think this experience made me a better person.
So does this make sense? Of course on a scale the negative is WAY WAY more than the positive. But I am very glad I have made a different development compared to my relatives. I am not really thankful for all of this agony but some points of this thread really comfort me.
So this was all negative so far. As I said now after vacation I face all the heavy pressure. I feel angry at my family for abusing me. It is hard to suppress it because the pain is so acute.
This is why I wanted to share some things I tell to myself to comfort me.
It is true I was severely abused as a child and I cannot change that. Though it is not that unlikely that I would have become mentally ill anyway. In my family all men are mentally ill (depression). So even without the abuse my life could have been horrible anyway.
I often hate myself. Sometimes for minor things. But there are things I clearly like about me. Especially when I compare myself to the ignorant morons which are called my family. None of them is self-aware. They live in their naive dream world and are ignorant as fuck. I hate it how my dad always scapegoats vulnerable people for his faults. I am not sure but I have the feeling my mind has become sharper since the illness started. Of course the suffering increased a lot. But my cognitive skills got way way better. It is not unlikely that I would have ended like my relatives without the abuse. Morons who are ignorant as fuck ruining other people's lives and procreate on top of that. Moreover ruining also the lives of their children. My family looks down at vulnerable people. They have not learned anything of our situation. My dad does not feel at any point responsible for that shit. At least this is my feeling.
Honestly if I really became like them without the abuse yes this would be a very positive side effect. I would hate to become like my dad. And I have to say when I was a kid I was somewhat similar to him. I was lazy, ate very unhealthy, were not reflective at all and my congnition was horrible. As a child I watched trash TV shows for hours on a daily basis.
I have to say you can get so much more from life when you find a passion. And I have found passions. Politics, philosophy and some literature. This can give a human so much more than the shallow entertainment that I followed as a kid.
Moreover I am glad I put an end to procreation in my family. I hope very much my sister will do the same. As a kid I wanted to procreate so that my kids can achieve the goals I never reached. So I would have basically done the same horrible shit my mom did to me. So I would have probably ruined more lives.
I like to be self-aware and reflective. As I said as a kid I was horrible at that. I try to reach my full potential concerning my cognitive skills and thnigs I leave behind when I die. I try to accumulate information which feels meaningful for me and I had debates which I enjoyed a lot. I like the threads that I post here and many people gave me very positive feedback. I like that I have found friends with whom I can share everything. My illness clearly strengthened our friendship we shared our deepest secrets since. I think without my illness I would have lost my friends. (Complicated story). So the two psychosis had some good time points. They let me feel unimaginable pain without a doubt. But without my first psychosis at exactly this time point I might have lost my friends. And the second psychosis helped me to end studying a subject at college that I hated. I think without a breakdown I would have never quit voluntarily.
I have met many interesting people in my life due to the fact my life followed an unusual path. I was in so many clinics and had so much time to reflect on my values and what I really want in life. Psychotherapy and literature have helped me to understand myself better. The mental crises helped me to correct my path. It forced me to treat myself better. It forced me to give me more freetime.
I see often this NPC meme in political contexts and I have to say it captures a certain notion which I have perfectly. If I never became ill I would clearly have become such a NPC. Prior to my first breakdown I was a careerist through and through. I followed the rules of capitalism without questioning anything. My psychotic breakdowns were clearly a game changer in that relation. I rethought my goals and values in life because of it.
I think in psychiatry they often say one should give a mental health crisis a meaning. It is hard to find that. And if I could have chosen I would have prefered to learn my lesson in a less painful way. But I have learned from it to a certain extent. I don't say in any form that I liked it. I would have prefered to never exist after all the nightmarish that I have been through. But these existential crises made me more mature and analytical. When I see nightmarish shit on the news I can cope better with that than my friends. Maybe this is not necessarily a good thing maybe I am too numb. But I have seen hell a couple of times in my life and it helps to put things into perspective. Okay I wrote because it sounds cool not because it is true for me personally. I mean I am close to an anxiety attack when I write a usual exam. Lol. Though it is true that I might be more empathic since my breakdowns. I know how it feels to be vulnerable and fragile. And I think this experience made me a better person.
So does this make sense? Of course on a scale the negative is WAY WAY more than the positive. But I am very glad I have made a different development compared to my relatives. I am not really thankful for all of this agony but some points of this thread really comfort me.
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