Trying to recover but mother is suffocating me

[etherealdemise]

I'm 18 as of a few months ago so I can finally join this site, but I've been suicidal since i was 10. I grew up in a shitty muslim country in a hyper religious family, so of course suicide was considered sa terrible sin. Even as a kid I would talk about dying a lot and I would get hit or yelled at. My mother moved me and my sister to the US last year and I feel suffocated living with her. I'm autistic and useless so I can't leave, but she screams at me for everything, tells me I'm a burden and that I behave like a toddler (i don't - I help her around the house as much as I can, but I'm physically weak and have a low immune system + gastointestinal issues so I get very sick often and can't help.) for example, I have an infection at the moment in my throat, but she doesn't even want to excuse me from school because she says it takes too much time and i'm sick too often. she refuses to help with it at all. i used to be a very good student, but since I've been sick so often ( i was homeschooled most of my life so it didnt matter before) my absences have been unexcused (she isnt excusing them) and I'm failing...

if i fail and cant even go to college, ill be stuck with her even longer. i wanted to go to college this year as I'm 18 but because of her screwing up homeschooling i had to repeat a year. she tells me its my fauly for not teaching myself when i was a kid. I started catching up on my own when i was 15 and not before that. despite her unhelpfullness she behaves like all my achievments are because of her. I got straight As on my gcses and she says its because of her, even though before i gave them she yelled at me for not being involved and studying and told me i would fail. then she said the same thing about the ACT on which I got a 31 so now she's taking credit for that, too. If i have to stay with her any more my life will be hopeless. she tells me every day that I'm too autistic and undisciplined to live and survive on my own so I'm scared. I haven't learnt to drive yet either, she told me it was too complicated. now she says im useless and should know how to drive...

If I could buy a firearm easily and had money/was 21, i wouldn't be here trust me. But I have no access to any of that so how do I survive this situation.

 

[Mirrory Me]

So you want to go to college so you can move away from home? That sounds like a good option. Your mother might be a narcissist based on what you said. It must have been a tough experience growing up in a family where you weren't validated properly. I feel sorry for you, I hope you can hold on. I read that honey helps with throat infection. Get well soon!

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[UsagiDrop]

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience with your family. I can relate to being yelled at or hit when I tried to open up to my family and talk about the way that I was feeling. You deserved and still do deserve someone who is willing to hear you out without shutting you down. I really hope you can find relief from your situation at some point. Btw, nothing she is saying about you is true. I'm sure that you are very intelligent and the furthest thing from a useless burden. You are more valuable to her than she seems to want to see or know, and that's truly a shame. Nothing you've accomplished is to her credit— it's not easy to try to pull yourself out of a dark place and catch up to your peers, especially when you don't even want to be alive. I commend you for those efforts and I hope that you can be proud of them, you achieved those things thanks to you.

Straight A's on your GCSEs is nothing to sneeze at! And a score of 31 on your ACT is also impressive. Congratulations for those. It seems to me that you've already shown your discipline. It's certainly a very scary thing to do, especially in a different country, but I think that if you prepare and plan you can definitely be okay on your own. Please don't let her perception of you become your reality. What she says about you sounds like it couldn't be any more untrue. It sounds like she wants you to fail, but those predictions of hers haven't been right yet. And they never will be.

I know that you said staying with her for any longer will make your life hopeless, and I can understand that feeling. I'm sorry if it turns out that you do have to stay with her for longer than you intend to. Even if you fail there are other options, it may just take a while to get to where you want. Going to college sounds like a wonderful idea. I would assume you would be interested in a scholarship, so it's less about getting accepted into one and more about the logistics of how you're going to move away and pay for it all. It sounds like you're already very studious, so you can still go to college, but maybe you'll have to stay home and start off with a community college first. Community colleges are still good, and you can get a jump start in your area of study. When you've gained some credits and have some transcripts with consistent and good grades, you can try transferring to other colleges that are in other cities or states and apply for scholarships using your good grades. You could also just get your GED and try with those test results, you're still fresh out of high school so the GCSEs and ACTs and SATs and stuff will count more for you. There are scholarships for a lot of things including immigrant status and disability, so you can look out for those as well.

Is there also any chance you can get driving lessons? That's if you're not too scared of driving. I think in the meantime, while you're stuck at home, it could be good to do things that establish your independence despite what your mom says about you. Not only will it build self-esteem but it will help you prepare for being on your own, because I believe you can get out of this situation soon. Driving doesn't have to be complicated, but it does take time to learn. She doesn't have to be the one to teach you. Plus, the lessons can be a way to get away from her if even for a few moments. Do you have friends that drive? Maybe they can teach you, or help.

I wish you luck and I hope you can recover from what she's put you through, or find peace in any way that you can. I also hope that you feel better soon, too.