Lou_Charthethird
A lifeless husk
- Dec 19, 2025
- 29
This wont make sense so you can just ignore it its long and pointless.
I came from a extremely religious spot. I kinda was really connected to god before this happened. I would cry in dark rooms and beg for mercy. I appreciated the fact that whether god was real or not, the thought alone that someone was helping me was solace. This sect of religion also led to a regime that all kids followed. They all acted the same and were all part of the same one friend group, if you werent, you were considered a r*tard(sorry for the language i dont mean to offend anyone but that word specifically was used ao often i need to bring it up). I wasnt cool enough and arround corona time i started getting more rejected from everyone else and the depression started to manifest
All i ever wanted was to be happy as everyone else was. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me, like i was broken. I would write into my notebook every day of 8th grade, all these ruminations over how worthless i was, over how i shoulf just kill my useless self and how i wasnt worth everyones time. I couldnt take my mind off of it. Like my worthlessness was constant and it shielded me from getting hurt. My inhumanity, my awful, inadequate attempt to fit into this world. I hated myself so fucking much. I eventually found something online that said i had AVPD(avoidant personality disorder). Now we all know how innaccurate these things can be but in my mind, it was so comforting to be able to put all these thoughts and feelings into a diagnosis, and know i wasnt alone in my struggles. You can shit on me for self diagnosing if youd like, but the comfort it brought was real.
I would love to watch the celtics, like religiously. I dont know why but my emotions were so fixated on this stupid sports team. Like if they lost i would have a bad day and id they won i would have a good day. It dictated my life more than i would know.
My mom would breach my privacy a lot. So would my whole family. They werent very accommodating and were just ignorant. But my mom specifically would try to find out what i was writing in my notebooks and sneak into my room when i was sleeping or when i wasnt there. It was childish of her. Like she couldnt act her age with her own child. She felt a right to my privacy, and invaded it.
Thats the last thing i can remember before this happened. Those were the trends that were going on. Maybe this can tell a story that i cant quite put together because why the fuck did i lose myself. I cant feel anything towards any of the things ive said. I cant even understand them from a first person perspective, as if they didnt happen to me.
I lost all my emotional memory of these trends. They dont mean anything to me. All the pain i went through and i cant truly remember it, only recount that it happened.
Theres no chance i come back. I wish i could make peace with that and die already
I came from a extremely religious spot. I kinda was really connected to god before this happened. I would cry in dark rooms and beg for mercy. I appreciated the fact that whether god was real or not, the thought alone that someone was helping me was solace. This sect of religion also led to a regime that all kids followed. They all acted the same and were all part of the same one friend group, if you werent, you were considered a r*tard(sorry for the language i dont mean to offend anyone but that word specifically was used ao often i need to bring it up). I wasnt cool enough and arround corona time i started getting more rejected from everyone else and the depression started to manifest
All i ever wanted was to be happy as everyone else was. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me, like i was broken. I would write into my notebook every day of 8th grade, all these ruminations over how worthless i was, over how i shoulf just kill my useless self and how i wasnt worth everyones time. I couldnt take my mind off of it. Like my worthlessness was constant and it shielded me from getting hurt. My inhumanity, my awful, inadequate attempt to fit into this world. I hated myself so fucking much. I eventually found something online that said i had AVPD(avoidant personality disorder). Now we all know how innaccurate these things can be but in my mind, it was so comforting to be able to put all these thoughts and feelings into a diagnosis, and know i wasnt alone in my struggles. You can shit on me for self diagnosing if youd like, but the comfort it brought was real.
I would love to watch the celtics, like religiously. I dont know why but my emotions were so fixated on this stupid sports team. Like if they lost i would have a bad day and id they won i would have a good day. It dictated my life more than i would know.
My mom would breach my privacy a lot. So would my whole family. They werent very accommodating and were just ignorant. But my mom specifically would try to find out what i was writing in my notebooks and sneak into my room when i was sleeping or when i wasnt there. It was childish of her. Like she couldnt act her age with her own child. She felt a right to my privacy, and invaded it.
Thats the last thing i can remember before this happened. Those were the trends that were going on. Maybe this can tell a story that i cant quite put together because why the fuck did i lose myself. I cant feel anything towards any of the things ive said. I cant even understand them from a first person perspective, as if they didnt happen to me.
I lost all my emotional memory of these trends. They dont mean anything to me. All the pain i went through and i cant truly remember it, only recount that it happened.
Theres no chance i come back. I wish i could make peace with that and die already
