kane
Student
- Jun 26, 2020
- 171
I feel like there are some situations where death seems clearly preferable for me. For example, if I was trapped in relentless pain for a prolonged period, with no plausible hope of relief. There are circumstances that I've told myself I'll check out rather than endure. I'm not close to that level of suffering yet, though I could end up there eventually. Right now I'm rarely in severe pain - it's more chronic low level discomfort. In the times where I can keep my mind occupied, I often don't even notice it. It becomes a bigger issue when I try to relax or sleep, or when I'm too tired to focus my mind elsewhere. It's draining rather than agonizing.
Probably more suffering is caused by my mind than my body. There's a huge amount of conflict between key parts of me, and I can't see that ever going away. I've been through a lot of therapy over the years, but nothing has really changed. It kind of means that whatever I choose to do in life, a part of my mind will torture me over the alternative. What seems incredibly important and essential to one part is completely intolerable to another. I find it very hard not to get caught up in the cycle - all it takes is one little reminder of whatever the alternative was, and the longing/regret/frustration/guilt kick in. It leads to a kind of despair.
It also limits me in terms of the positives I can get from life. Any connections or relationships I might form are inhibited/sabotaged by the fact that large parts of me find it meaningless and want out. I can't see a situation where I feel at peace/content/fulfilled with any circumstance. It's just a question of what choice causes the least conflict within me.
On the other hand, I know others have it a lot harder mentally. I'm not psychotic, and I don't really have traumatic flashbacks (just a fair few bad dreams.) Though most of the time I feel tired and foggy, and I get caught up in emotional spirals, I'm usually pretty lucid. I can't exactly say I'm in a state of excruciating mental torment.
So it feels kind of like I'm somewhere in between. It's not so bad (yet) that I feel clearly justified in ending it, but I also don't see any prospect of a meaningful or genuinely worthwhile life in the future. So why bother enduring this? Because I'm scared of death? That doesn't seem like a good reason, when I'll have to face it eventually. Because it would hurt my family? But my long-term inability to function is already hurting them. And it's not like I talk to them more than once a week anyway. I don't think I care enough to keep pretending until they're all dead. The older I get, the harder it becomes. My life is so hollow and empty, and I'm the one who has to live it.
I don't know - any perspectives welcome.
Probably more suffering is caused by my mind than my body. There's a huge amount of conflict between key parts of me, and I can't see that ever going away. I've been through a lot of therapy over the years, but nothing has really changed. It kind of means that whatever I choose to do in life, a part of my mind will torture me over the alternative. What seems incredibly important and essential to one part is completely intolerable to another. I find it very hard not to get caught up in the cycle - all it takes is one little reminder of whatever the alternative was, and the longing/regret/frustration/guilt kick in. It leads to a kind of despair.
It also limits me in terms of the positives I can get from life. Any connections or relationships I might form are inhibited/sabotaged by the fact that large parts of me find it meaningless and want out. I can't see a situation where I feel at peace/content/fulfilled with any circumstance. It's just a question of what choice causes the least conflict within me.
On the other hand, I know others have it a lot harder mentally. I'm not psychotic, and I don't really have traumatic flashbacks (just a fair few bad dreams.) Though most of the time I feel tired and foggy, and I get caught up in emotional spirals, I'm usually pretty lucid. I can't exactly say I'm in a state of excruciating mental torment.
So it feels kind of like I'm somewhere in between. It's not so bad (yet) that I feel clearly justified in ending it, but I also don't see any prospect of a meaningful or genuinely worthwhile life in the future. So why bother enduring this? Because I'm scared of death? That doesn't seem like a good reason, when I'll have to face it eventually. Because it would hurt my family? But my long-term inability to function is already hurting them. And it's not like I talk to them more than once a week anyway. I don't think I care enough to keep pretending until they're all dead. The older I get, the harder it becomes. My life is so hollow and empty, and I'm the one who has to live it.
I don't know - any perspectives welcome.
