Venting Trying to NOT buy SN

[Lavínia]

I recently got a new job that pays quite well, just received my first salary and really trying don't buy and stock up on SN. i am... getting better? With my therapist, i think, managing to do well and everything, but... the fear doesn't stop. This agony. feel like i will have more comfort if i buy and have this escape ready at any time. But maybe it will only make things worse and i will be even more desperate.
The job is good, but my mind, me, is a so fuckin big mess that hurt, and then i imagine a free road. Would be cheap, and I can hide easily. Just don't know

 

[lacrimosa]

I recently got a new job that pays quite well, just received my first salary and really trying don't buy and stock up on SN. i am... getting better? With my therapist, i think, managing to do well and everything, but... the fear doesn't stop. This agony. feel like i will have more comfort if i buy and have this escape ready at any time. But maybe it will only make things worse and i will be even more desperate.
The job is good, but my mind, me, is a so fuckin big mess that hurt, and then i imagine a free road. Would be cheap, and I can hide easily. Just don't know

I am glad things are going well with your therapist.

I know exactly how you feel. The fear that if having SN in my house will make me worse off... I was researching sources the other night and have the money to buy it but I don't want to commit. Not yet. Not until I exhaust every resource trying to get better and I will either get better or the cards fall down where they may and I end up absolutely hopeless. Whatever comes first. I'm stuck in a state of such crippling cognitive dissonance and wish I could get better but I've been mentally ill since I was 15 years old. So, it's basically all I know...

Is killing myself worth it right now? I don't know... but if I have SN, I might just decide that it is and it's permanent with no chance of undoing it. Unless I call paramedics to reverse the effects.. So, here we are again, on the merry-go-round.

But, despite where I am, I am glad you didn't buy SN and therapy is working for you. Keep up the progress!

 

[dinosavr]

I'm glad you can see some progress and hope! And I know exactly how it feels to go through the battle between life and death and it's no picnic. I ended up buying SN out of fear that it might get restricted by the government where I live. But I don't think it was a good idea while I still had some hope left. It definitely made it way harder to give up on suicide. Having the possibility to do it, makes you want to do it, because why not? I guess if SN was one of the impulsive-friendly methods, I'd be long gone. And if it's good that I'm not? I'm not sure, I'm not the happiest about it, but I guess when you still feel hope, to me, it's definitely worth a try. If you can, try holding on to the hope that you have and if things go wrong, suicide will always remain an option.