The purpose of this post/thread is to try to make sure I've thought through everything that needs thinking through.I'm going to be as accurate as I can. As succinctness and accuracy tend to be antonyms in this kind of situation, that means this is going to be a bit of a wall of text. I apologize in advance and appreciate anyone taking the time to actually read through this. Please note that none of this is put in here to elicit pity, it's simply the state of my life.
There are a number of factors bringing me to the conclusion that I'd like to CTB; I'm clinically depressed, diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD(none medicated), trans without the means or funds to do anything about it, in constant pain for over 16 years, and generally find life purposeless. I don't really have any friends to speak of, and most of those that would call me a friend I honestly see more as prolonged acquaintances. The only people in my life I've actually been close to moved out of state(I'm in the US) and I have had no contact with any of them in over 4 years. Also, not close to any family except two of my brothers, and only one of them have I talked about this stuff with.
I will now go into greater detail on the points that warrant expansion/greater discussion.
-Depression; I've been on depression medication before(don't remember which ones if I'm honest) but I felt like an unfeeling and unthinking zombie while on them and if the choice is between that and being depressed, I'll take being depressed. I've had suicidal ideation going on nearly daily for 14 years now. I've never made an attempt, but that was mostly because I decided years ago that "Do or do not, there is no try" applies here, and I've never been confident I could get it right.
-Anxiety; I used to be medicated for the anxiety but can no longer afford the psychiatrist and haven't been able to for years, though I can say I genuinely felt better on the meds.
-ADHD; Was never medicated. I don't even know if the medication would help the way I feel or if it's just the ADHD combined with the other two that makes it even worth considering.
-Trans/Gender dysphoria; I've not been "officially" diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and honestly it may just be body dismorphia. I have spoken with a psichologist about this in the past but they never gave an official "Yes you have X" or "No, you do not have X" they always steered the conversation toward some other topic.
-Constant pain;Constant migraines, I often just describe it as a 16 year long migraine. I've seen 8 separate and unaffiliated neurologists none of which could give any kind of answer to what was going on. I've had at least one CAT scan and MRI at each one and they were never able to turn up anything. The 8th one decided to diagnose me with "Chronic Pain Syndrome"(basically "You're in pain and we don't know why.") and I was ultimately referred to pain management. In my area at least, Pain Management was basically extortion. I've been charged no less than $350 for an 20 minute appointment where they ask a couple questions and then refill whatever narcotics you currently are presceibed which is another $80+. Eventually the state changed some laws and they were required to get me off of all narcotics within 6 months. That was a year ago, and no non-narcotics they prescribed that I could afford did a damned thing. There was one they tried to prescribe that my insurance wouldn't cover and was over $4,000, never got that one
-Purposelessness; I suppose it depends on what perspective you take when examining the question. As I see it, the purpose of life(generally speaking) is to propagate(i.e. to have children) and pass on your genes to the next generation. I have no plans on ever doing this. I try to joke about it, but I basically lost the genetic lottery with my family. I've inherited every psychological problem on both sides of my family, I've genetically got bad teeth and nothing I do stops them from decaying. I've got weak knees and elbows not to mention the aforementioned pain. I'm unsure how much of it all this is tied to the DNA contained within germ-line cells and am unwilling to play that kind of genetic lottery for any potential offspring. Also, I wouldn't want to subject a potential partner to the absolute mess that is me. So no children.
You could look at it from the perspective that the purpose of life is what you decide it is or make of it. With children no longer in consideration, and a partner unlikely, The only options left that I can think of are either taking the hedonism route or the cause route. I do not think hedonism would be a viable option for me. Being depressed constantly forces one to use any possible method of distraction available to be able to enjoy any of it, and when apathy hits none of that works anyway. The cause route suffers from similar setbacks. The Anxiety mixed with depression and ADHD bring to bear a perfectionist mindset(at least in myself) where nothing I do is ever good enough, no matter how good/well done it is or isn't.
I see little point in expanding on how I don't really have friends or I'm not close with my family, but if someone wishes to go into it I'm not against the idea.
I'm sure there are likely angles on this I haven't considered as it's difficult for one to consider all angles without feedback from an outside source to provide criticism to the arguments from an outside perspective.
Thank you for your time.
There are a number of factors bringing me to the conclusion that I'd like to CTB; I'm clinically depressed, diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD(none medicated), trans without the means or funds to do anything about it, in constant pain for over 16 years, and generally find life purposeless. I don't really have any friends to speak of, and most of those that would call me a friend I honestly see more as prolonged acquaintances. The only people in my life I've actually been close to moved out of state(I'm in the US) and I have had no contact with any of them in over 4 years. Also, not close to any family except two of my brothers, and only one of them have I talked about this stuff with.
I will now go into greater detail on the points that warrant expansion/greater discussion.
-Depression; I've been on depression medication before(don't remember which ones if I'm honest) but I felt like an unfeeling and unthinking zombie while on them and if the choice is between that and being depressed, I'll take being depressed. I've had suicidal ideation going on nearly daily for 14 years now. I've never made an attempt, but that was mostly because I decided years ago that "Do or do not, there is no try" applies here, and I've never been confident I could get it right.
-Anxiety; I used to be medicated for the anxiety but can no longer afford the psychiatrist and haven't been able to for years, though I can say I genuinely felt better on the meds.
-ADHD; Was never medicated. I don't even know if the medication would help the way I feel or if it's just the ADHD combined with the other two that makes it even worth considering.
-Trans/Gender dysphoria; I've not been "officially" diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and honestly it may just be body dismorphia. I have spoken with a psichologist about this in the past but they never gave an official "Yes you have X" or "No, you do not have X" they always steered the conversation toward some other topic.
-Constant pain;Constant migraines, I often just describe it as a 16 year long migraine. I've seen 8 separate and unaffiliated neurologists none of which could give any kind of answer to what was going on. I've had at least one CAT scan and MRI at each one and they were never able to turn up anything. The 8th one decided to diagnose me with "Chronic Pain Syndrome"(basically "You're in pain and we don't know why.") and I was ultimately referred to pain management. In my area at least, Pain Management was basically extortion. I've been charged no less than $350 for an 20 minute appointment where they ask a couple questions and then refill whatever narcotics you currently are presceibed which is another $80+. Eventually the state changed some laws and they were required to get me off of all narcotics within 6 months. That was a year ago, and no non-narcotics they prescribed that I could afford did a damned thing. There was one they tried to prescribe that my insurance wouldn't cover and was over $4,000, never got that one
-Purposelessness; I suppose it depends on what perspective you take when examining the question. As I see it, the purpose of life(generally speaking) is to propagate(i.e. to have children) and pass on your genes to the next generation. I have no plans on ever doing this. I try to joke about it, but I basically lost the genetic lottery with my family. I've inherited every psychological problem on both sides of my family, I've genetically got bad teeth and nothing I do stops them from decaying. I've got weak knees and elbows not to mention the aforementioned pain. I'm unsure how much of it all this is tied to the DNA contained within germ-line cells and am unwilling to play that kind of genetic lottery for any potential offspring. Also, I wouldn't want to subject a potential partner to the absolute mess that is me. So no children.
You could look at it from the perspective that the purpose of life is what you decide it is or make of it. With children no longer in consideration, and a partner unlikely, The only options left that I can think of are either taking the hedonism route or the cause route. I do not think hedonism would be a viable option for me. Being depressed constantly forces one to use any possible method of distraction available to be able to enjoy any of it, and when apathy hits none of that works anyway. The cause route suffers from similar setbacks. The Anxiety mixed with depression and ADHD bring to bear a perfectionist mindset(at least in myself) where nothing I do is ever good enough, no matter how good/well done it is or isn't.
I see little point in expanding on how I don't really have friends or I'm not close with my family, but if someone wishes to go into it I'm not against the idea.
I'm sure there are likely angles on this I haven't considered as it's difficult for one to consider all angles without feedback from an outside source to provide criticism to the arguments from an outside perspective.
Thank you for your time.
