Trying to make myself do it

[Willow]

I want to ctb tomorrow but I'm afraid I won't be able to go through with it. I have tried before but couldn't finish it. I got a gun and couldn't make myself pull the trigger. I worry that it will just be the same again.
How do you get over si?

 

[Ark]

This may not be the most popular answer, nor the one you want to hear. But, I personally feel that if your SI is that strong you should take the time to reevaluate everything. Really consider why you want to CTB. Really consider If the reasons are truly hopeless. I know for a long time my SI was hope. And with that hope, possibilities. It was only when I realized all hope was gone in all aspects that my SI diminished.

I support you no matter what, and maybe what applies to me will not apply to you. I just know that when I had hope, I would hold on to that and have not regretted that I did. There is no way I could have known one day I would lose all hope. So while I had hope, I fought for it.

That's just my two cents. I hope you find the peace you deserve no matter how you decide to.

 

[Willow]

Well, I took my first step. I cancelled plans with a friend for tomorrow evening so I will be free to do it. And I looked at the hours of the gun store. They are open until 8 tomorrow.
I feel like my plan is coming together.
I can go to work, and then buy the gun in the evening. My husband works in the evening so he will not miss me. I will go to a hotel after I buy the gun and do it there.
No one will miss me until my husband gets home from work, which is around 11 pm.
I wonder if I should leave a note at home for my husband with where to find me. I would hate for him to be worried and looking for me.
This may seem hasty to others, but I have thought about it for years.

 

[Jean4]

Well, I took my first step. I cancelled plans with a friend for tomorrow evening so I will be free to do it. And I looked at the hours of the gun store. They are open until 8 tomorrow.
I feel like my plan is coming together.
I can go to work, and then buy the gun in the evening. My husband works in the evening so he will not miss me. I will go to a hotel after I buy the gun and do it there.
No one will miss me until my husband gets home from work, which is around 11 pm.
I wonder if I should leave a note at home for my husband with where to find me. I would hate for him to be worried and looking for me.
This may seem hasty to others, but I have thought about it for years.

I'm not telling you what to do, but is there a reason why you are moving so quickly?

Personally, I failed when I didn't plan.

 

[Willow]

This may not be the most popular answer, nor the one you want to hear. But, I personally feel that if your SI is that strong you should take the time to reevaluate everything. Really consider why you want to CTB. Really consider If the reasons are truly hopeless. I know for a long time my SI was hope. And with that hope, possibilities. It was only when I realized all hope was gone in all aspects that my SI diminished.

I support you no matter what, and maybe what applies to me will not apply to you. I just know that when I had hope, I would hold on to that and have not regretted that I did. There is no way I could have known one day I would lose all hope. So while I had hope, I fought for it.

I appreciate your input. Thank you for your reply. I have been depressed from bipolar disorder for about 4 years, and although I take medication it doesn't work. I go to therapy and that only helps a little.
I'm going back to school to learns to teach students with visual impairments and I have a Braille proficiency test on Tuesday. There is no way I am going to pass it. This may seem minor or temporary to some people, but I just don't want to be around to deal with failing.
I have a job working with blind students, and I was given 2 years to finish this degree if I want to keep my job. So if I fail the test, I will lose my job in a year and a half. This is only the immediate cause.
I have wanted to kill myself for years. I have PTSD and that is part of it too.

It may seem like I am moving quickly, but I have thought about it for years.
I have a test I am going to fail on Tuesday, and I don't want to be around for that. But that is only the immediate cause. I have bipolar disorder and meds and therapy don't really help. Also PTSD.

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Screw the test. You are more important than that. I'm so sorry you're going through this

I absolutely will not tell you what you can and can't do, and I don't wish to invalidate your feelings, but it sounds like you aren't really sure. I know you've felt suicidal for a long time, but acting on impulse might not be the best thing to do right now.

You can always CTB another day.

And seriously, heck that test. I know its easy for me to say but try not to worry about it. It doesn't always seem like it, but you absolutely do not *have to* do anything you don't want to. They can't physically force you to do it - you can just skip it if thats what you want. These things matter less than you might think. You could fail the test and still be happy, and similarly you could ace it and still be miserable. Theres SO MUCH more to life.

 

[Willow]

Thank you for your answer, TotallyIsolated. I know it sounds impulsive, but this has been going on for years. It feels like impulsive is the only way to get it done.

 

[Read123456788]

Totally agree with Ark. SI for me also slowly moved to the back once I really worked out that this is what needs to be done. I don't think anyone can just remove SI but at some point maybe to will to die becomes stronger than the will to live.

X

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Thank you for your answer, TotallyIsolated. I know it sounds impulsive, but this has been going on for years. It feels like impulsive is the only way to get it done.

I understand. I drove 100 miles to get to a cliff I could jump off after I had an argument. It was like the last straw, you know. I feel embarassed now, because I could barely even get close to the edge without getting scared. I just sat there until the sun had gone down.

It worries me that you might not be able to change you mind with a more lethal method like the one you have chosen. I shalln't tell you not to - its your decision. Please keep talking to us though.

Again, I'm so very sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

 

[Willow]

Just talking about this helps. I worry that I won't be able to go through with it. Makes me feel weak and cowardly.
I've thought about trying to wait until September. I have a life insurance policy and there is a suicide exclusion, but that expires in August. After that my husband would be able to collect the money. That is a great incentive to wait.

 

[Lotus1818]

Just talking about this helps. I worry that I won't be able to go through with it. Makes me feel weak and cowardly.
I've thought about trying to wait until September. I have a life insurance policy and there is a suicide exclusion, but that expires in August. After that my husband would be able to collect the money. That is a great incentive to wait.

I'm kinda doing the same for my fiance. I have to marry her so she can get my house

 

[WallsClosingInn]

I want to ctb tomorrow but I'm afraid I won't be able to go through with it. I have tried before but couldn't finish it. I got a gun and couldn't make myself pull the trigger. I worry that it will just be the same again.
How do you get over si?

i tried jumping from a building cound do it got paralized,tried partial hanging muliple times to no avail.so im canda stuck.understand what you must be feeling now

 

[Meant2Die]

I think you should buy a gun and become comfortable with it. Practice holding it, placing it to your head or open mouth (whatever your choice of placement is). Preferably, you should go to a gun range to shoot it to understand the force of the kickback, which if you are not used to could sway your aim. Or just go to a gun range and see how holding a gun feels imagining using it on yourself. Just holding it might bring you enough SI that you will know you can't do it again. I feel like doing all the things you wrote about in one night is overwhelming.

Why not look into the SN method. Taking tablets for 2 days and drinking salty water may be more comfortable for you.

 

[mathieu]

I imagine pulling a trigger, jumping, stepping off the chair etc. to be very difficult wrt SI. Poisoning yourself, as I plan to do, I think is easier.

 

[Return2Dust]

I think you should buy a gun and become comfortable with it. Practice holding it, placing it to your head or open mouth (whatever your choice of placement is). Preferably, you should go to a gun range to shoot it to understand the force of the kickback, which if you are not used to could sway your aim. Or just go to a gun range and see how holding a gun feels imagining using it on yourself. Just holding it might bring you enough SI that you will know you can't do it again. I feel like doing all the things you wrote about in one night is overwhelming.

Why not look into the SN method. Taking tablets for 2 days and drinking salty water may be more comfortable for you.

Great advice. Def need experience with a new gun before using it to ctb.

 

[realjunes]

Just talking about this helps. I worry that I won't be able to go through with it. Makes me feel weak and cowardly.
I've thought about trying to wait until September. I have a life insurance policy and there is a suicide exclusion, but that expires in August. After that my husband would be able to collect the money. That is a great incentive to wait.

Hi Willow. Welcome to the forum. I have been reading your thread and here you say you feel weak and cowardly. I think just the fact you thought of your husband and his welfare enough to endure life longer tells me you are not weak and the fact you talked it over with us here, and that you are deliberating on methods and on extending your life, despite the feelings you have felt for years, definitely tells me you are no coward. It takes strength and bravery for you to maintain. Thank you for your story, and your willingness to consider what path you will take. We are glad you are with us.

 

[TAW122]

I concur with what others have said here. If there is any doubt or uncertainty, then you are not "truly" ready to go through yet. I also don't want to tell you what you should/shouldn't do, it's up to you. However, with that said and after reading your additional posts, I think it is a nice thing to consider your husband and anything that you can do to mitigate the loss. Furthermore, in regards to SI, I don't think there is ever a true instance of completing overriding it such that it would never be there, but there is an emotional state of mind and frame of mind where like @Read123456788 said that the will to die becomes stronger than the will to live. I have been in that state of mind before, but due to lacking an effective method to end things, I didn't quite do it then (I didn't have firearm in the past, only about a year ago).

 

[Willow]

So, I didn't buy a gun. I changed my mind. I started to feel more and more afraid. I told my husband and my friend what was going on, and they convinced me to give my credit and debit cards to my husband until I feel better so I can't buy it. Honestly I feel relieved. Maybe I don't belong in this forum, because other people here and do it without looking back. But it really offers me comfort to read and share here.

 

[Ark]

You do belong here. This is not a forum just for people that are going to absolutely CTB. This is a forum for choice, advice, support, and so much more. Feeling suicidal and talking to others here then realizing it is not right for you to do it? Is as big a win as any here. I am happy this forum and it's members are able to help you no matter what. And I guarantee many others here feel the same.

 

[jgm63]

If something in you is not 100% sure that you want to go through with it and you are ready, then there's a good chance that you won't go through with it.
And you can't really "force" yourself to reach that state of readiness.
So only time will tell if and when that state will occur....

 

[Shaqxbb]

@Willow keep in mind if you're buying a handgun there's a several day waiting period between purchase and delivery.