monetpompo
don't tell me to dm you (> <)
- Apr 21, 2025
- 733
i can't sleep most nights and usually stare at my phone. last night i was thinking about how i need to say all my goodbyes to the people i know and i can't break down when i do. they won't understand why i'm acting so sad when we're supposed to be having fun and getting together. but it's going to be the "last" time i do it and the last impression i ever make on them. i'll never see any of them again.
i wish i was allowed to tell people, but i know i can't. no one wants me to tell them i'm committing suicide because people intrinsically believe no one deserves to die. it's meant to be a secret up until the very last moment. i used to want to tell everyone in my life so that they would see that i was suffering, but now i know it only causes people distress. what i hate the most is the idea that i'll do all this mental prep and then i'll still be alive in january because i backed out or failed. at least no one will know i was planning to kill myself in the first place if i don't tell them. every morning i work through the same grief of knowing that i'm going to die. sometimes it gives me more relief than anxiety that i have some plans to occupy my time with, when i was spending most of it in isolation. it's nice that my friends still want to hang out with me, even if i think i'm a replaceable person.
the urge to die overrides all my desire to have a good life. suicidal ideation kind of stops me from being able to live my life at all, since i'm constantly stuck in between choosing to live or die. it can make a person feel incredibly lonely, but it's nice to know that a lot of people on sasu are dealing with the same thing. no one drops dead the moment they don't want to live anymore, because dying is very hard. people that want to live don't understand just how hard it is to die. i'm trying to avoid blowing up on my friends and self isolating, but it feels hard when i have to make myself act happy in order to save face. every day i'm just slumped over in bed looking sad because i have no real purpose. that's the real version of me, not the version that showers and puts on clean clothes to go somewhere. i feel like i'm braindead sometimes. the brain fog is good for forgetting things, though. i think that i want to lay in bed so long that i start decomposing and rotting away like fruit. my family can pick me up and put me in a human sized trash bag.
i wish i was allowed to tell people, but i know i can't. no one wants me to tell them i'm committing suicide because people intrinsically believe no one deserves to die. it's meant to be a secret up until the very last moment. i used to want to tell everyone in my life so that they would see that i was suffering, but now i know it only causes people distress. what i hate the most is the idea that i'll do all this mental prep and then i'll still be alive in january because i backed out or failed. at least no one will know i was planning to kill myself in the first place if i don't tell them. every morning i work through the same grief of knowing that i'm going to die. sometimes it gives me more relief than anxiety that i have some plans to occupy my time with, when i was spending most of it in isolation. it's nice that my friends still want to hang out with me, even if i think i'm a replaceable person.
the urge to die overrides all my desire to have a good life. suicidal ideation kind of stops me from being able to live my life at all, since i'm constantly stuck in between choosing to live or die. it can make a person feel incredibly lonely, but it's nice to know that a lot of people on sasu are dealing with the same thing. no one drops dead the moment they don't want to live anymore, because dying is very hard. people that want to live don't understand just how hard it is to die. i'm trying to avoid blowing up on my friends and self isolating, but it feels hard when i have to make myself act happy in order to save face. every day i'm just slumped over in bed looking sad because i have no real purpose. that's the real version of me, not the version that showers and puts on clean clothes to go somewhere. i feel like i'm braindead sometimes. the brain fog is good for forgetting things, though. i think that i want to lay in bed so long that i start decomposing and rotting away like fruit. my family can pick me up and put me in a human sized trash bag.
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